BDSM/Lost

Advertisement


Question
Good day to you Sir,

hope that this would not bore you, as it would take a bit to describe my dilemma and situation.

I have a problem that had been plaguing my thoughts and emotions ever since being in a serious D/s relationship for the first time ever, as wonderful as it is, I have turned into someone that I do not recognize. I have strong submissive urges with periodic streaks of wanting to Dominate another, however rare. I came into the relationship knowing full well that my Dominant has always preferred being polygamous, and have always thought that I have a tad of poly blood in me as well. Time went past and it seems that I have strong objections in regards to living a full polygamous relationship, and it is starting to seem that it is impeding his 'true'self. Kink is getting sporadically less and non-existent, and I find myself constantly paranoid and always needy for some form of assurance that I am still His sub, wanting to please Him at the foremost of my mind. Self unsupervised masturbation used to be a great joy, but has turned extremely depressing and often ends up with bouts of tears, BDSM stories has lost its splendor, all happened a couple of months before. I feel lost and adrift as a submissive, and do not even know what precisely that i am missing or why i'm even wallowing in constant self-pity for being such a failure of a sub.

Any advice would be wholly appreciated, i'm not a spiritual person by any means, but feeling this lost as a submissive is almost akin to having a lobotomy.

Answer
nora

Knowing the extras I know now how would I change this answer.  I am not sure much would change but understand that your dom has a deep and unfiltered affection for you. It is clear if he truly need an extension to his relationship he would seek it out. There are a great number of things going through his head, emotions and self doubts.  

It is clear your relationship is cross boundaries for both of you, and as such things are changing. Your relationship largely is evolving into something else and it is becoming a challenge to put it into context within the lifestyle. The new factors in your home have probably added to the complications and finding those moments of peace where you can just be yourselves experience the kink you sorely miss are becoming rarer.

As more spirits (human and otherwise) enter into your private household it becomes harder and hard for you two to find the needed time for just yourselves. The pressure mounts and the discomfort grows... hence the spontaneity you once had is large removed. It is this lack of time, or the ability to align time which contributes. Finding peace after all in any relationship is difficult, in one full of turmoil, interruption and lack of privacy means it is even more difficult in a kink sense.

I hope things change for the better, but it is less about finding times to make it happen than grabbing those moments as difficult or complicated as they are to make it real that is important. Grab on to them and see what happens. Open up to possibilities of more interactions with other kinksters... make it a part of your reality and things will likely get back on an even keel.

If things do not improve well the choice to make a radical change is always there for you. It will likely be heart wrenching and full of other issues but in the end focus on your happiness. Because you deserve to be happy. So be kind to yourself first. Your dom will adjust; we all do and in the end no one should be sole reason of another's happiness. So no, I wont change the answer below... simply add this with the extra information provided me.

............................

This echoes loudly in my ears.  So I can answer this but it will be from my perspective and that from a dominant who is into poly. I would suggest you contact others and particularly submissives to get a balanced view. So let's begin...

Poly, is something that is at times rewarding and other times challenging.  The fundamental difference is permanence, unlike orgies and parties which have a finite period of time a poly household is ongoing. The dynamic of having someone come and "play" and then go is far different from having someone in the house on a regular basis.  Jealousy rears its head in many cases and starts to work against the dynamic of a poly household. Much of this is fear drive, the fear someone may replace your position or the affections someone may have for you. It is actually easier for dominants than submissives, because the challenge to authority in a poly household is always at the level you are. And since dominants are at the top (excuse the pun)  it is hard to be challenged. Many poly households are insular which further arrests the relationship. It is okay for the DOM to have multiple partners, and even have subs play with each other but few DOMs allow other dominants into their private homes.  The thing is again jealousy and a fear of being challenged. A few dominants will share their assets with others, even fewer will do so without having to be involved.  Subs on the other hand seem more reluctant to move outside this relationship as they are afraid of losing something as a tangible grasp on their partner.

From your perspective it appears to have been spiralling inward for you.  You probably started off thinking it was fun and kinky, then began to compare yourself with others. This is likely when the insecurity began to set in. Poly is different to orgies or gang bangs, orgies and gang bangs are finite and limited in the depth of emotional interactions. So safe and comfortable as there is no obligations, no ties, no long term changes as a result. Whereas poly is an on-going relationship where the interactions are constant, bonds form and evolve, emotional attachments occur and the group dynamic changes. Subs compete for the affection of the dom, while the dom has to share themselves among many.

As relationships grow something outward and physical, either their height, their weight, skin colour, size or proportions gave you pause. You probably do not realize that you DOM likes poly for variety but also does not rate individual on physical nature but rather on other aspects.  Devotion, services, kink, being (or not being) a maso are all things which fuels the dominant's desires. This is no different than normal vanilla relationships just the qualifiers are different...

The acts of self masturbation ceasing to be regarding is clearly an aspect of this. Being unsupervised equates subconsciously with "sneaking in to dimly light rooms behind your Master's back, and enjoy the pleasures of another (yourself)" or simply cheating. Emotionally you see this as no different than being with someone else, and it becomes harder justify your acceptance of poly this is all intertwined into a complex emotional web where if you tug on a string one place, some dark fear awakens somewhere else.

As to the stories, I believe again it is related, somehow they set up scenarios or situations which become increasingly more difficult for you merge with your perception.  The world around you is slowly shrinking in, depression the eventual outcome. You are losing a part of yourself and apart of what you need to feel fulfilled. Possible your position has changed, possibly the relationship with your dom has become stressed through any number of channels, but all of this makes you feel you are becoming an inconsequential element in an equation, a rounding error on a financial statement... You need to be honest to yourself first and those around you second.

Not everyone is actually built for poly. Coming to grips with this is going to require you to either accept you place in a poly situation or look for something monogamous.  But without the honesty then nothing valuable will occur in your relationship. So talk sincerely with your dominant, give them a chance to hear your concerns. It may be difficult, it may even put a strain on the relationship but it will be clear to you after that if your concerns can be addressed and if you can continue in a poly situation.

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Aramock Nanuck

Expertise

I will answer any questions concern the lifestyle and may annoy a few because I do dive into the history and psychology of this lifestyle in many of my answers. I have a partner a Femdom Mistress who shares my experiences and assets, as I hers. Also belonging to a couple groups in Europa and Asia. Traveling frequently between the continents. We tend to share information and discuss many of the topics frequently. I will focus on the core items around, training and relationship management for those that are interested.

Experience

I have been involved in the lifestyle since being introduced to it by my father at the age of 13. He was a master in the 50's to 80's but predated the popularity of Gor, and was Pharaonic in nature. I owned my own slaves since my early 20's. I have usually been part of a poly household. For about 6 years three of us ran a BDSM club in Prague until it was "acquired" by the Russian "businessmen". I do not hold any moral taboos about this lifestyle and at one time or another have experience or seen everything imaginable. It is in this absence of mrals that principles, protocols and personal honour must determine the worth of an individual. It is their clear and unwavering adherence to these ethics that make for stauncher things than those which some observance by mere lip service to common morals. When men/women of honour lead, then they do so without malice, without negativity and without thought of personal gain. It only then that they truly attain Dominon over others. Therefore in mastery comes a devotion to duty, and the existence, needs and desires of others that exceeds the submission mere slaves give to the Dominant. A Dominant one must lead, govern, educate and enrich the lives of subjects beign ruled... for otherwise they are but a sycophant and a tyrant. Hedonism and narcissism plays no part in this, it is an apparition that forms from acts done at much higher levels of meaning that mere morally bound persons can not see.

Organizations
I belong to a number of local clubs, and a loose association (not formal) of about 25 masters and mistresses here in Western Europe and Asia who share experiences, training and some exchange trade assets.

Publications
I have not published on BDSM under my name, but contribute frequently to forums. I am consolidating my writings slowly on DarkCastleSin.org for any that are interested in reading.

Education/Credentials
Not relevant although I do have a DCS and DT but I am not Christian so have no moral dilemmas with this lifestyle.

Awards and Honors
Not applicable here, come on in our lifestyle these do not exist but should. When was the last time we had public awards for Worlds Darkest Sadist, World's Most Gifted Shibaru Artist, Worlds Most Diligent Mentor, World's Most Gifted Enthusiast,

Past/Present Clients
Not relevant; private consults remain so.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.