Me and my fiancée started looking into a dom/sub relationship. This is a very new experience for the both of us. What advice would you give a couple just starting out? I'm going to be the dom and she wants to take up the role of my sub. I've been reading through a few articles trying to clarify the process and any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
New to BDSM
It’s hard to know where to start.
Let me try a few ideas…
First, the “Facebook” for our community is called www.FetLife.com I’d urge you to join: it’s free. Once you do, I’m Dr_Bob – you’re welcome to send me a friend request. On Fet (as it’s called) you’ll find “groups” that address all kinds of questions that come up for people both new and established in our culture. Also, when you ask a question on one of those groups, you’ll get a HUGE cross-section of replies, not just one person’s opinion (which is the risk in having me answer specific question).
Next, you’ll want some books for beginners…
• Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon (The classic guide to sadomasochism that is intended to strip away myth, shame, and fear, about BDSM to reveal truths about this intense form of eroticism.)
• When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt (VERY helpful for explaining your interest and involvement in BDSM to non-kinky family and friends.)
• Sensuous Magic, 2 Edition: Your guide to S/M for Adventurous Couples by Patrick Califia (Califia mixes erotic vignettes with practical advice and personal insights to produce a very creative guide to sadomasochism for couples.)
• Playing Well with Others by Lee Harrington and Mollena Williams (Interestingly, this book is a marvelous companion to this book that you’ve been reading. We cover very little ground in common and their material really picks up where this book has left off. And both authors are friends of mine.)
• When Someone you Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton
• The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton
• The New Bottoming Book by Janet Hardy
• The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton
• The Loving Dominant by John Warren
These are Internet links that should help:
• Of practically every kink known to man – just in case you thought you’d heard it all: everything2.com/title/Submissive+BDSM+Play+Partner+Check+List
• Glossary of BDSM terms: www.xeromag.com/fvbdglossary.html
Major general information resource sites:
• www.FetLife.com: “Fet”, as it is called, is THE go-to source for just about anything these days. It is the “Facebook” for kinksters. There are discussion groups for just about any topic you can think of. It’s my first stop for anything I’m researching. (Thanks, John Baku, for creating this website.)
• bannon.com: the site that is both 100% authoritative and responsible. Race Bannon, author of Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun BDSM Lovemaking not only sends you to responsible sites but also provides some guidance about what to be looking for and avoiding when it comes to Internet searches concerning BDSM and Leather.
• HUGE and extremely useful site for all things submissive: www.submissiveguide.com and www.dominantguide.com
• High quality information: www.the-iron-gate.com
• One of the most comprehensive and sophisticated sites I can recommend – particularly for types of play and the psychology of play – belongs to Peter Masters (Sydney, AU). Clever guy. www.peter-masters.com/wiki/index.php/The_Control_Book
Calendar of events – weekend conferences
Online BDSM education
• sexedforadults.org Disclaimer: I’m a member of the faculty for this site. This is a very professional site that offers both fee-based and free classes and webinars, extensive courses, and one-on-one coaching. The faculty are seasoned authors or recognized educators. My partner and I host a live Webinar on the second and fourth Tuesdays of each month. It is called: “An Evening with Jen and Dr. Bob”.
o The overall website is: sexedforadults.org
o Here’s a link to the page with recordings of the prior webinars: http://sexedforadults.org/free-events/master-slave-online-dinner-discourse#watch
o This link will enable you to sign up to receive notices of upcoming webinars: http://sexedforadults.us6.list-manage1.com/subscribe?u=861ab4e94699cd7a3f7a1fc44
In the most general way, I suggest that you…
• Find a BDSM club in your city and start showing up. They’ll welcome you as a like-minded person. They can guide you to local education programs. You can type the name of your city into the search window on Fetlife.com and find clubs (and people) in your area.
• Read some of the books I listed. I’m about to come out with a series of BDSM basics books – one just on Dominant/submissive BDSM relationships and the other is a basic guide for discovering BDSM without getting.
o If you wish me to send you an announcement whenever I publish a new book, please send me an email to: PowerExchangeEditor@yahoo.com
• Do enough Internet research to realize that the world of BDSM is a culture. We have our own rule-set and in many ways it’s far stricter (and in many ways far worse) than majority society. (I’m an educational sociologist: BDSM is my specialty.)
• Do NOT lose sight of the overall goal of playing in the BDSM world: have fun
o “The first person who stops having fun needs to leave.”
Good luck and feel free to write back to me with a follow-up question.
Dr_Bob and Fet