BDSM/should i tell my Master what is happening?
QUESTION: A little history to put the question into context.
I met my current Master in January 2010 and we had a 14 month long distance Ds relationship.
We parted and I met another "dominant". After attempting to establish a dominant and submissive relationship we decided that we would be friends who met and played. We met twice a year for 3 years . He as a top for who I bottomed for.
In early 2014 I knew I missed and wanted the D/s dynamic. But it didn't work that way between us. He was a very jealous man and could be very possive.
My previous Master contacted me. His circumstances had changed and we discussed establishing our relationship. Which we did in February 2014. I explained my needs and my reasons to the man who had been my top and he appeared to accept it.
In the past 3 weeks my previous top has been sending me abusive messages on a bdsm site I visit. He has texted me and he has e mailed me. They are all in the same vein. That I am selfish. That I betrayed him. And are often abusive and derogatory.
I told my Master about the first one. And he said he was showing his own insecurity. That I should not reply. That any response would make the situation worse.
He e mailed me at the weekend pleading with me to explain again what went wrong and why I left him.
I crumbled and responded. He sounded so unhappy. I wanted to try and make him feel better by saying that what happened between us was unique to us and that I would not share the events with anyone else.
It fuelled his fire. And he has persisted in e mailing me. Asking multiple questions about my Master and insulting me.
In don't want it to end in a confrontation between the two of them.
Should I just ignore it and wait for him to go away? Or should I tell my Master what's happening?
ANSWER: Hi, kim, thanks for writing...
First, to clarify, I am a slave. So - in addition to writing a great deal about Master/slave relations, I live it.
However -- I don't know how YOU live your M/s with your Master, so my answer may miss the mark (in which case, please write back with more detail and I'll take another run at it).
In my version of Master/slave, there are a few basic rules:
1) Master must know all;
2) Once you turn the situation over to Master, it's up to him/her to resolve the situation
3) Any attempt to hide what's going on is going to come out in the end, and Master will then be in the unfortunate position to question YOUR honesty and integrity and commitment to your relationship
4) You have no obligation to explain to a former partner why that relationship didn't work out other than to say that for various personal reasons of your own, it did not.
4a) It's fairly useless to try to explain with logic why/how a relationship (that is mostly based on emotion) didn't succeed.
So: I wouldn't ignore it, I'd fully inform Master and request that Master deals with it, including asking that Master communicate with the prior partner that he (Master) has instructed you to ignore/block further messages (thus shifting the "bad-guy" onus from you).
Now: My Master, Jen, has just read through this and we've discussed it a bit more.
It seems to me that there is a HUGE difference between the responsibilities/reactions of a submissive and those of a slave. If you are in an M/s situation, my personal view is that you are your Master's property: you belong to him. You did NOT belong to your dominant. In my personal view -- and in my writings -- the cutting line between D/s and M/s is that the slave (unlike the submissive) is owned. slave has transferred authority over itself to Master, who has pledged total care/protection of slave.
In that light, you don't even have the authority to interact with someone of either gender without your Master's knowledge and permission.
Hard line, I suppose, but that's the way I see it.
Not only do you have no obligation to interact with your prior Dominant, but to do so without your Owner's knowledge and strategic input violates your relationship with him/her.
Hope this helps,
Bob (and Jen).
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you both for your response.
We are Dominant and submissive. We don't live together. I think you would call us long distance.
I suppose my motivation for not telling him was to protect him against the stress and agrivationn of it all.
I guess it feels like my problem as I made it. I feel a responsibility to sort it out myself and not bring trouble to his door
However as you say I have disobeyed him. He did tell me not to correspond with him.
I feel guilty that I did. It's like keeping secrets from him. He may not appreciate my reasons. Just see it as disobedience.
I'm very worried about his reaction. As the former top has also verbally attacked Master in his e mails as well as myself.
I don't know if I'm doing more harm than good by telling him or showing him the messages. But the guilt at not doing so is eating me up :(
Hi, kim --
I've been there.
Thing of it is, he'll find out eventually and it's worse that he finds out (as opposed to you telling him).
In my own case, my Owner would view anything less than full disclosure as a dishonesty and a character flaw. She separates "not liking what you did" from "not telling me you did it".
It's difficult for an outsider to comment on anyone else's specific case. That said, you're telling me that NOT fully informing him is really bothering you... that seems to me to answer your own question about telling him: you have to in order to maintain your close and trusted relationship with him.
Your prior Master is not respecting your current relationship: frankly, as your former Master -- who was responsible for your mental and emotional wellbeing -- once you informed him that you had determined that it was in your own best interest as a slave to leave him and seek another (whom you have found) your Master was obliged to support you. Among other things, you made a willful decision to leave that Master, and such an act of willfulness terminates the M/s dynamic: he really has nothing more to do or say with you. More than that, by speaking poorly (or at all, for that matter) about you or your current Dom displays his lack of self-mastery, the basis for mastering another.
Now: the problem with all this is that not only is it M/s theory, but it's a certain kind of M/s theory and I recognize that you may not be in that same book. As I write: there are as many ways of "doing M/s" as there are people doing it.
Ultimately, it's what you can live with in the context of your current relationship -- and your own mental and emotional health.
Again, you're welcome to write back. It is now 9:30am and both Jen and I are at our respective jobs. I can't get her input to what you're writing until 5pm tonight. I fully recognize the difference between male and female approaches to issues such as this, and if you wish Jen's input, you're welcome to frame a question for her. If you're on Fet, she's M_Jen and you can write her there. (I'm Dr_Bob and you're welcome to send me a friend request.