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BDSM/insight into emotional world of submission

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Question
Dear Ben,
I read through your answers and found them straight, honest and full of common sense. I think they are quite useful trough out other sorts of relationships as well.

My questions:
1. Will the top/master get less emotionally attached than the bottom/maso/slave?
2. You mentioned few times the "emptiness" a slave/bottom suffers when there are no instructions or when the relationship is over;
How can this be compared to the experience of the top/master ?
3. I am clearly bottom a kink, with hunger to sensual explorations. I feel I could go very deep, laughing, but afterwards I pay the bill.
I must say I'd rather stay of it all together, because mmm "being submissive is so humiliating" ;-)
I just do not accept this side of me and I feel it endangers me.
At the end I also feel resentment,disgust and contempt also towards my partner. For having such "low" needs.
So - I am quite in a crossroad, as I "accidentally" ran into this guy I like, and who is quite top/sado himself.
I have the feeling that i might suffer from bonding problem which might be the source of "trouble".
In my day to day life I am caring and supportive, like it when everybody around me gets what he needs en does as much as he can.
Being a single mom made those characteristics more prominent.
At the same time - everybody is happier when Mom is happy ;-)

Waiting for your insights,
Thanks
Sarah

ps. left a similar question to another expert; would like to have yours too to have more input and because I appreciate your writing.

Answer
sarah -

You aren't alone:  a lot of people struggle with their interest in BDSM.  the fact that it conflicts with social norms can be a big hurdle to cross (and for some is also a big part of the attraction).  For what it's worth, the psychological diagnostic manual no longer defines BDSM as an illness.  Put differently:  there is nothing inherently wrong with you (or a potential partner) simply because they have an interest in exerting/relinguishing authority in a relationship or giving/receiving pain in a consensual context.  That doesn't mean there aren't creeps or people that use the Lifestyle as a fertile ground for abusive victim hunting.  Working on yourself -- getting to the point where you see that you aren't "flawed" or "sick" for having these interests seems like the most important step you could do.  attending social functions and classes where you can meet others that share your interests and are "normal" and "successful" might be a worthwhile effort for you (FetLife.com is a kink version of Facebook, and it has listing of events -- including, I'm sure, ones near you).

Now to address some of your specific questions:

1. Will the top/master get less emotionally attached than the bottom/maso/slave?

People are people.  Just as there are emotionally invested and emotionally detached husbands, teachers, lawyers, etc., there are emotionally invested and detached people in the world of BDSM.  Some feel that a Master needs emotional distance, others do not.  I'm deeply in love with my slave, and I don't find that my love inhibits my position, decisions, or actions.  What that means is you want to have as one of your filters a desire for an emotionally available partner.

2. You mentioned few times the "emptiness" a slave/bottom suffers when there are no instructions or when the relationship is over;
How can this be compared to the experience of the top/master ?

I would discourage you from approaching a relationship with the focus on how it will go when it ends.  Doesn't seem like a recipe for success.  With that having been said, Bt the answer to your question is similar to #1:  Masters/Dominants/Tops are people.  Some handle breakups hard; others move on easily.

3. I am clearly bottom a kink, with hunger to sensual explorations. I feel I could go very deep, laughing, but afterwards I pay the bill.
I must say I'd rather stay of it all together, because mmm "being submissive is so humiliating" ;-)

There is nothing inherently humiliating in submission.  Sure, there are those that enjoy humiliation play ("you're such a dirty little cunt").  And there are some with low self-esteem (and those that seek to exploit that).  but submission is simply a choice of how to interact in the bedroom, or how to run a relationship.  I know numerous slaves and submissives that are intelligent, successful, strong, competent, assertive individuals.  Those traits don't disappear because they like to be spanked or choose to negotiate a relationship where they have unequal decision-making authority.

4.  At the end I also feel resentment,disgust and contempt also towards my partner. For having such "low" needs.

If you consensually decide to submit -- and take the time to find a partner that meets your needs and makes you feel fulfilled -- why would you feel "contempt" towards someone who:  makes you feel good about yourself; you respect and admire; makes good decisions for you and your relationship; rings you pleasure; and is a good person that is good to be around?

5  So - I am quite in a crossroad, as I "accidentally" ran into this guy I like, and who is quite top/sado himself.
I have the feeling that i might suffer from bonding problem which might be the source of "trouble".
In my day to day life I am caring and supportive, like it when everybody around me gets what he needs en does as much as he can.
Being a single mom made those characteristics more prominent.

you get to decide who you have relationship with and what you are willing to do within that relationship.  You can "interview" this guy and determine if he meets your criteria or not.  You can negotiate when, what and where you relinquish control.  You can decide what BDSM activities are off the table.

It's good to be cautious.  I would encourage you to continue self-evaluation to see what's behind both your interest in BDSM and your reluctance.  I'd also encourage you to educate yourself more on BDSM relationships and the myriad ways in which they can be structured and operated.

Enjoy your journey.

Ben

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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