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Question
I am in my first D/s relationship with a Dominate that already has a slave. She is also a dominate to me. So far the relationship has been very good but I am now confused as to when I should be willing to do something that I know my D 's enjoy but makes me unhappy.

Before we began we talked about limits, one of mine was verbal humiliation but now both my D's like to use terms that make me uncomfortable. I've tried to talk with both together and separately and both feel that I should just get over it. What they don't understand is that nothing kills my enjoyment at being with them as hearing them call me slut. While they need and enjoy it that term and others like it are just like throwing a bucket of cold water on me and send me into a very negative thought pattern. I've worked very hard in other areas of my life to always stay in a positive place.

I'm not sure how to make them understand or if it is just time to call it off with them.

Answer
Hi, Mary, thanks for writing.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Let me see whether I can help.

Your question actually raises a VERY important point of BDSM theory: the Dominant's relations to a submissive is different than a Master's relationship with their slave. Now: I notice that you refer to your Dominant (DominANT not DominATE, by the way: one is a noun and the other is a verb) as having a slave. The way I use these terms, a Master has a slave and a Dominant has a submissive. There is an important distinction: a submissive is a voluntary position: if the Dom/me doesn't behave as the submissive really wants (if it's really not a great fit), the submissive has the personal authority to tell him/her that they're not happy and are leaving.

That is not quite the same with a slave. A slave has exchanged his/her personal authority over him or herself to say "no." In exchange for total protection (emotional protection, physical, financial, etc), slave now has pledged absolute commitment to Master's authority. That is: if Master wants to call the slave by a name the slave doesn't want, then Master may do so ONLY TO THE EXTENT THAT MASTER BELIEVES THAT IT IS FOR THE SLAVE'S WELLBEING TO GET OVER BEING UPSET BY BEING CALLED THAT NAME. The governing rule in M/s relationships is: "Master's wants can not trump slave's needs."

Even in a Master/slave setting, it is utterly unethical and a basic breach of trust for Master to behave in a way that negatively affects slave's sense of self-worth or self-esteem. Also, these actions fall under the definition of "verbal abuse."

Now: back to you. Even if your Domme thinks "slut" is a harmless word, YOU don't. And that's really all that matters.

In a D/s structure, if the submissive has put a word/name/action into the "hard-limit" list (such as you have with verbal humiliation in general and the word "slut" in particular) and the Dominant violates your "red," that is certainly an indication of the Dominant's ethics and values and I would leave. They are demonstrating lack of empathy and caring and are willfully hurting you. Not acceptable.

D/s relationships -- BDSM relationships in general -- are supposed to be fantasy fulling; they're supposed to be FUN.  If you're not having fun, why do it?

Hope this helps, and if you have follow-on issues/questions, feel free to write.

I wish you the best...

Bob

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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