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BDSM/Rejecting a Dom

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Question
Hello sir. I am new to the lifestyle in that i am only now searching for a Dom though i have known of and learned about BDSM for some time now. I met a great guy on Fetlife who has a sub and a pet already which doesn't bother me. But then he said he was married. I have met couples who are into this and are happy as well as couples where one or the other is not involved and does not care about what the other does as long as they are clean and don't bring it home. My potential master is in neither of these situations. He keeps a separate life and regards this as the best way to do things. He feels that she doesn't need to know anything. I fell very uncomfortable with that. I love everything else about him. His rules, his plans for me, everything. But the entire time i was with him when we met, whenever he texts or calls, i can't forget that she doesn't know. How do i tell him this? How do i say that i can't be with a Dom who is lying to someone who i feel he should be open with? I am not about to tell her or anything like that, but the very idea is preventing me from being able to serve him.

Answer
You have good instincts. If he lies to her, he lies to you -- or certainly has the potential to do so.

The guy sounds as though he has an awful lot going on in his emotional life. Hard to imagine that he can give you the kind of emotional fulfillment that you'd want in a D/s structure.  

In a general sense, what your Dom is doing by keeping the relationships separate is called "compartmentalization."  It's my preferred way of living, but I have Asperger Syndrome. However, I'd never try to keep an entire relationship hidden -- that never works. The wife will find out, it's just a matter of time.

You have asked how you can tell him: how about this (in your own words, of course -- I write rather stiffly)...

Tell him that you've been doing research into the core values of D/s and Master/slave relationships and have come to realize that successful relationships are built on a foundation of honesty, integrity, loyalty and trust (HILT). You have also read a number of lists of the "characteristics of a Dominant" and "characteristics of a Master" and all of these stress honesty and integrity. Furthermore, when reading about the risks of being the submissive partner, you've discovered that knowingly aligning oneself with a dishonest Dom threatens your own personal values of honesty and integrity. In light of all this, you're withdrawing from the relationship. You wish him well and request that he does not contact you again. (Note: decisive endings will serve both of you better than drawing out the ending. Part of the "trick" of ending a relationship is to be clear with your partner that there is not an option to continue if he/she does X or Y.  Relationships are built on trust -- particularly relationships in BDSM where the SM portion of the equation requires complete trust on the bottom's part in order to release mentally into the play -- and to subspace.

If you don't have HILT, you can't build a stable relationship.

Hope this helps. Feel free to ask a follow-on question.

On Fet, I'm Dr_Bob.  Feel free to send a friend request.

Bob

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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