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BDSM/vanilla? kinky-bitch?

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QUESTION: Dear Aramock,
You state that you don't do vanilla 1:1, but I do have the feeling you know quite a lot about ppl - so that's why I state the question to you. Hope you can have some insights.

I am a woman in my 50's (oops ! but feel no older than 18, which might explain lot's of things).
I get exited from the worst forms of porn - I keep remembering and "using" them. I have experimented a bit. and then a bit more. Nothing too spectacular. I am sub-oriented. I do get excited from the sensations, and from the humiliation - but then my affections and longing turns into contempt. I am always the stronger partner.
(what that might be ??)
Actually, even "simple" vanilla penetration I experience as degrading and humiliating, not to speak of "normal" couple/married life (yes, taking care of the children, house chores, being responsible for everything).

After few years of no relationship at all (also no sex) I came across this guy who has hefty bdsm - sadistic needs, but not much experience.
I loved being with him; got into the sub-space; which makes me fall in love and lose my reason. I come asking on four for more, and hate myself for it. Not because any moral- misconceptions.
As if being penetrated/pained etc. makes me submissive, which I dont feel I am.
I feel it also gives the partner the idea he his or can be dominant in other moments.
I experienced Very intense intern orgasms when I felt "belonged" or "owned" by my partner, but it was with someone I really loved.
On the other hand, my most memorized orgasm is when I was raped once, very long ago, I came and afterwards just pushed the man away not letting him come.

Thanks for your time and insights,
Sarah

ANSWER: Sarah

You have given quite a specific detail, but I don't see any real questions in the text. So I assume you are asking if you are vanilla or a kinky-bitch.  Well my dear it is quite clear while you lived a vanilla life, you are a kinkster at heart, the excitement and ecstasy you feel from the actions of others dominating you... so you are and more importantly unapologetically so a kinky-bitch.  Rejoice in your discovery, rejoice in your ability to set aside the moral constrains of a lifetime and relax. A relaxed spirit rewards you with opportunities to explore those sides of yourself which society never truly finds acceptable.

As a dom, watch some one go into subspace is many times better than creaming all over their face. Rather than a momentary release it sets an emotional high of know you done it right, and respondent reacted just as you desired for as long as you desire. It sustains and drives the dominant in a way that no other activity does. I would suggest you received then the rewards of his rock-solid response to your transitioning... and it apparently was great.

I will leave the rape because that is a very complex and sensitive area to step into; while I have had many talk about those experiences all of my references are inferred rather than fact based.  I will not mislead you in areas where a professional has difficulty.

On the whole enjoy your discovery, and the freedom your submission gives you to enjoy and experiment.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Aramock,
Thank you for your swift reaction and sorry for being unclear:
I read in one of your answers that situation like that might be a result of bonding-difficulties. I think this might be the case with me.

I dont LIKE being submissive. Being a woman is "bad enough" ;)
I dont like the emotional dependency that comes with that.
AND it makes me feel contempt for myself and my partner.
So, it is kind of lose-or-lose situation for me.
Any ideas ?

Thnx again
Sarah

Answer
sarah

These are very heavy comments, and the underlying leaps of direction takes me are disconcerting.

"I don't like being submissive." is a strong statement given what you wrote above. It is clear there are challenges you are facing in reconciling your needs and response, to the cultural imperatives of being a modern woman. But when you added 'Being a woman is "bad enough"', shivers raced up and down my spine. Clearly you are woman who is unsatisfied in the her own place in the world, and how it is viewed in the world. Possibly you feel kept down or repressed for being a woman, conversely perhaps you feel you have not achieved what ever society has set as a modern woman should be. Certainly something is at play which is causing you to assess and analyse your actions in the light of others expectations which in part you have taken on yourself. When I add the "I dont like the emotional dependency that comes with that." I truly feel it is a mix of both and somehow you think you are lesser for it.

You need to explore from what basis these comparisons and examinations are coming. Know if you are doing so because you have a compelling desire to be more or simply to adopt others views of what you should be. Remember self deception believing other think in a certain way even though they may not know in what you are engaged. This clearly is the source of the "contempt" you feel, and mostly likely your contempt for yourself is significantly larger than that of your partner. Resulting your feeling it is a lose-lose.

This sort of mind set grows over time, it feeds on itself reinforcing the self disgust, and eats away at the soul. In the end your contempt forces you to seek ever increasingly situations which you can prove to yourself how worthless you are and what a piece of shit your partner (who ever at the time it is) is for taking advantage of it. In the end depressions and self defeat set in and become almost a burden to heavy to release.

I personally think you have to evaluate a few things for yourself or with the help of some one you trust completely. These are:

"What is the basis of my measurements?" Just understanding the basis of the measure will give you insight into its validity and how harsh or soft you need to apply those rules.

"Am I adopting a view of my own, or one I believe society expects of me?"  Assuming that society's expectations are right or even valid in all cases if a flawed argument. Clearly if you are measuring yourself by your own measure it will be harsher than society's. Regardless of if they are your expectations why have you formed these views?

"Are you a modern woman?" There is no shame is saying 'No' any more than say 'Yes'.  But it is likely to reinforce the above being a societal view which many (even your closest friends) would not have knowing you.

Once you understand this basis... for judging yourself then look at what you judge.

Why do NEED (and I mean NEED) to be dominated?
What is/was the effect of a relationship where you are/were the dominant one?
How was your sense of sexual and emotional fulfilment when either dominated or dominating?
Is discovering this need somehow going to affect how others see you especially if they do NOT know what is happening behind closed doors in your private life?
Would your grandmother ask you "Does it make you happy?" and how would you answer her?
 Clearly you are not happy with the situation but when it occurring do you feel true joy and excitement?

There is lots more I could say on this but I also think you should talk to a very dear friend you trust, or your master or some professional who is unbiased. Not because I think you need clinical help, but sometimes hearing ourselves say things and frame the position we are in, the feelings we have, and in our own words describe its meaning to us just adds clarity.

In the end if all else fails ask yourself this...  Are you happier serving, submitting, being dominated than doing without? If you can not do without and find the same measure of happiness then why deny yourself. If you are happier then put it aside, emancipate yourself.  Only after that decide if you would be happier being the one in charge? Maybe you will find you are, maybe not. Maybe a mix of the two is what you need. But in the end rather than emotionally flogging and judging yourself as contemptible, fine joy, and release in in your discovery of who you truly are and what gives you true happiness and meaning to your your inner self.

Again if this prompts more discussion I will pay attention and give you my views. But please bear in mind I am no professional, and my views are biased by a lifetime of this lifestyle. However, I can truly say I have always tried to help people find their own centre without judgement.  

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Aramock Nanuck

Expertise

I will answer any questions concern the lifestyle and may annoy a few because I do dive into the history and psychology of this lifestyle in many of my answers. I have a partner a Femdom Mistress who shares my experiences and assets, as I hers. Also belonging to a couple groups in Europa and Asia. Traveling frequently between the continents. We tend to share information and discuss many of the topics frequently. I will focus on the core items around, training and relationship management for those that are interested.

Experience

I have been involved in the lifestyle since being introduced to it by my father at the age of 13. He was a master in the 50's to 80's but predated the popularity of Gor, and was Pharaonic in nature. I owned my own slaves since my early 20's. I have usually been part of a poly household. For about 6 years three of us ran a BDSM club in Prague until it was "acquired" by the Russian "businessmen". I do not hold any moral taboos about this lifestyle and at one time or another have experience or seen everything imaginable. It is in this absence of mrals that principles, protocols and personal honour must determine the worth of an individual. It is their clear and unwavering adherence to these ethics that make for stauncher things than those which some observance by mere lip service to common morals. When men/women of honour lead, then they do so without malice, without negativity and without thought of personal gain. It only then that they truly attain Dominon over others. Therefore in mastery comes a devotion to duty, and the existence, needs and desires of others that exceeds the submission mere slaves give to the Dominant. A Dominant one must lead, govern, educate and enrich the lives of subjects beign ruled... for otherwise they are but a sycophant and a tyrant. Hedonism and narcissism plays no part in this, it is an apparition that forms from acts done at much higher levels of meaning that mere morally bound persons can not see.

Organizations
I belong to a number of local clubs, and a loose association (not formal) of about 25 masters and mistresses here in Western Europe and Asia who share experiences, training and some exchange trade assets.

Publications
I have not published on BDSM under my name, but contribute frequently to forums. I am consolidating my writings slowly on DarkCastleSin.org for any that are interested in reading.

Education/Credentials
Not relevant although I do have a DCS and DT but I am not Christian so have no moral dilemmas with this lifestyle.

Awards and Honors
Not applicable here, come on in our lifestyle these do not exist but should. When was the last time we had public awards for Worlds Darkest Sadist, World's Most Gifted Shibaru Artist, Worlds Most Diligent Mentor, World's Most Gifted Enthusiast,

Past/Present Clients
Not relevant; private consults remain so.

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