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QUESTION: Hello, my name is Mahogany and when I was 14 I met my first Master. Yes I was young, no I don't regret it. Long story. Anyway...I was a virgin and didn't know much of anything about sex other than basics.He introduced me to the BDSM lifestyle. He trained me for a year then took, yes...took, my virginity. My problem is, now I need that level of discipline. I have not been able to come into contact with someone that can give me the same thing or anywhere near it or understand that its not just sex for me, its a lifestyle that is required 24/7. Its asking a lot I know, but its the only way to my prolonged happiness. He was very strict, very stern and very serious about our lifestyle and so was I after training and me studying so much. Now..im married. My husband is amazing. I mean, one of the best relationships I've ever been in but he is not dominant enough at all. He's afraid to hurt me even when I explain to him its not necessarily hurting me, I enjoy it. He doesn't feel comfortable with doing 89 percent of the things I like. And barely does the basic things that can hold me over until I can try and handle it myself. I love him but its becoming a struggle. We're at a point now where we don't have sex at all. I spoke with my old Master (not good idea, I know) and He was upset because He felt like He gave me permission to be with a man that had no idea as to what to do with me...im frustrated and angry at myself. I have no idea of what to do and I crave my old Master. I crave Him so badly it physically bothers me. I think about Him all the time, I caught myself touching myself to the thought of Him two days ago. I'm so frustrated and its affecting the way I interact with my husband. I love him but my respect level is not what, in my mind, it should be. I respect him because he's my husband not for any other reason at all. He's so sweet and caters to my every need even when he doesn't want to. A vanilla woman would be beyond happy with him. But its not how I was trained and groomed and I don't want anything else. I even tried giving him books, documentaries, even making him watch something simple like Secretary. He just wont... he wont do anything and my focus is shifting. I even find myself thinking about other men but ultimately my old Master. I need Him and He knows it. He could fix it, He could handle me and I truly need Him to. But I wont cheat on my husband (been down that road, for thee exact same thing I'm typing about). I'm struggling. What should I do?

ANSWER: Hi, Mahogany: thanks for writing.

We're having company for dinner in 35 minutes, so I clearly don't have time to reply. I'm just writing to let you know that I've read your letter and will respond tomorrow. With letters such as this, I like my partner (and Master) to help, so please hang in there until we can get you a thorough answer. if you're on Fetlife, I'm Dr_Bob and you're welcome to send a friend request. If you're NOT on www.FetLife.com, I'd suggest that you join that free site as it will give you ways of finding others in our community who may have other suggestions.

Bob

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Yes I've been on fetlife and I probably won't get on there again.

Answer
Hi there Mahogany,

I've read your letter and have several thoughts to share.

1) first experiences:  I've developed a phrase called "The Invisible Collar" that describes the hold first experiences have on our lives.  Basically, the first experience is what all future experiences are compared to.  If the experience was wonderful and a one-of-a-kind type experience, such as we experience in BDSM and power-imbalanced relationships, then we mostly experience dissatisfaction in our future relationships.  (Since all BDSM experiences are unique then they ALL have the possibility of being a "first experience" and providing us with that Invisible Collar connection.)  

None of this is helpful until you look into the recommended ways of ending relationships and even further into psychological retraining from intense experiences such as PTSD. You are correct, if you are moving away from your former Master and into a new relationship, you should not have contact with him - especially when your emotions are involved as you say your feeling a pull to be with him.  

If we leave a relationship there was typically a reason and going back is just that - a backward step.

2) there is a reason you're no longer with your former Master:  Remember why you've moved forward without this man along with remembering the wonderful things you two created together.  Take these memories into your chosen relationship with your husband.

3) there is a reason you chose this man to marry:  You experienced kinky sex, you experienced power imbalanced relationships, yet you married this vanilla man.  Remember the reason you made this choice.  There is something about him that fed you, find it and feed it again.  Bob and I teach that relationships flounder when the forward movement appears to stop.  The relationship hits a plateau and the people in the relationship become bored and dissatisfied with what once was what drew them together.  Find something that causes you two to have new shared experiences and that will help you recapture what you feel is lost.

4) Now if you thought you'd be able to "change the man" after you were married....that could happen, but probably won't.  People and relationships grow and change at their own pace.  If he, at some time in the future, finds rougher sex sexually interesting, he will morph to that.  Until it is fulfilling to him he would only be offering you a service and you'd feel that.

5) sexual fulfillment is an important aspect to all relationships:  Ultimately, you're going to have to speak with your husband about your needs and your growing dissatisfaction if you intend this relationship to survive.  He will need to hear you.  We recommend the use of talking sticks as a way to speak, and be heard, without the added worry of emotion.  Bob will explain how to use talking sticks.

As with all of our writings, I put the basics down and Bob fills in the meat.  I hope our joint response will be helpful to you.  Please write any follow-on questions and we will do our best to help.

+++

You can look "talking sticks" up on the Internet: in a general sense, they take the emotions out of discussions. One person picks up the stick (pen?) and says their piece. The other person can't interrupt. When you put the talking stick down, the other person must summarize what you said and get your agreement that they understood you. You may have to go back and forth many times before you're satisfied that your husband has really understood what you're saying. Only after the other person understood your first statement may they reply. Then it's up to you to repeat what he said to his satisfaction, etc.

At a really, really basic level, you need to match a bunch of areas up in a relationship for it to last. My OWN list includes these points: The other person must problem-solve the same way I do; they must have about the same level of English mastery and vocabulary; our sexual preferences must match, our KINK preferences must match, and they must be height-and-weight appropriate. But your list will not be the same as my list.

When we write about starting a relationship with someone we ask them to work through some questions...

1) Why are you together? What is the purpose of your union? What are you intending to do as a couple that is unique to you both, that you couldn't do with someone else.

2) What do you bring to the table for him; what does he bring to the table for you?  How will your relationship stand out from most relationships that represent rather unsatisfying compromises?

Concerning your husband: you're not going to be able to get him to become a more dominate person. I've been through this with myself. While I'm generally dominant in the sense that I'm not afraid to make decisions, I'm not dominant enough to impose my will on another person. When I owned a slave for eight years, I relied on her wanting to play the slave role. I didn't do a good job leading. That's why I am currently slave to my Master: Jen is a good and compassionate leader.

Back to your own case: I've read what you've said -- you love your husband, you won't cheat on him, you're in real trouble because you so miss your prior Master's guidance and SM play.

First, you get what you resist, so the more you resist living this way the more you will live this way: focusing on something fixes it in place, draws it to you. You're going to have to do something.  The most obvious is to inform (not ask) your husband that to survive with him you're going to need to find and spend substantial time with a Master.  Whether this is your former Master is a matter between the three of you.

If that is not an option, then you're down to: staying in your current situation or divorcing and finding a Master with whom you can live in harmony.

That's it from our end.  As Master said, feel free to write back. If you need to call us to discuss this in more detail, my phone number is 512-850-7780. It's now 1:20 on Sunday and we're editing one of our upcoming books. We have a club meeting to go to tonight that will require us to leave around 6. We are in Austin... Central Time Zone.

Bob and Master  

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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