Hey! Thanks for taking the time to read and answer this.
I recently started dating this guy and once we started sleeping together it was apparent that we're both submissive people. I'm not totally immersed in BDSM culture--I've only been in a long term Master/slave relationship twice, and one was long distance--and I kind of mentally separate relationships I've had into ones with 'vanilla' sex and ones where we always had a D/s relationship in the bedroom. So far we haven't engaged in any dominant/submissive play and the sex is physically satisfying but I can tell neither of us are getting that emotional (?) need filled. He's really into fem Dom stuff and i know I can't provide that for him. I guess I'm asking for any advice you have on if we can have a fulfilling sexual relationship and how to go about this. I assume we'll both have to learn to be switches, but do you think that'll feel disgenuine if he knows I have no desire to be dominant ? I feel really out of my depth here since in the past my partners have come up with the rules and all I had to do was agree or disagree. I really don't want to end up with a sexual relationship where we just ignore this and have boring (to us) sex, especially since we've talked about it and know how much better it is when these needs are getting met.
Ah sorry for the long rambling question! Had a hard time putting this into words. I'm new to a lot of this and would appreciate any help. Thank you so so much for your time!
Hi Joy - fascinating question!
My first (rather flippant, sorry :) ) response would be "rock, paper, scissors" to see who's on top? :D Once when I was speaking I said I wasn't a switch and a voice came from the audience, "You're missing half the fun!"
The best advice is - talk, openly. If he wants a femdom but when you try the best you can do is giggle then there is a fundamental incompatibility. If you want the Commanding Voice but that part of him would come from someplace that perhaps he doesn't want to go, there is a fundamental incompatibility. But this can be an opportunity to take communication to a level neither of you have thought about. Sharing fantasies takes strength, and lots of trust, and respect. These all make a really wonderful foundation for a relationship as well.
Here might be an approach - If you are both readers, each pick a BDSM themed book and read it, exchange the books and then discuss the characters. Try and guess who the other identified with, who they liked, and who they well, hated. The advantage of this approach, I think, is that the characters are not you, not him; but through the characters you can each learn something about the other. A favorite author of mine now for BDSM fiction is Celcia Tan; good stories and an author who really understands BDSM.
There is also another possibility. Opening your relationship to include someone who "can rule rule you all". This might be a a good solution if both decide that you (1) really cannot meet all the needs of the other and (2) are willing to share.
I know a couple who are similar to you. One is a heavy bottom and the other a submissive. They are struggling and I think that the struggle has changed the way they interact. Not being able to either meet the needs of their partner and also not having their needs met they have, I think, stepped back from intimacy. Good friends, respecting their relationship and their marriage by putting their erotic needs away. They haven't found a way to make BDSM work for them so they, turned away from that part of their lives.
But I also think they didn't make communicating a priority, or if they tried couldn't find the way.
Can it work, two submissives? What are each of you willing to bring to the table? And what are each of you willing to give to the other? Only you two can find answers.
I would recommend approaching this not from a M/s relationship perspective. The leadership I bring to my M/s relationship is as natural to me as riding my motorcycle. Difficult at first, but once learned second nature. The submission my girl brings to me is as natural as breathing, I just facilitate it. M/s would be a discussion about who is leading your relationship both in and out of the bedroom - and I don't think this is a discussion you want to have; at least at this moment. I read your question about "Who will bring creativity and control to our erotic
... sorry for the long rambling ... Me too! :) Please, no apology is needed. It takes strength to reach out, and these are not easy conversations to have.
Something I've found to be useful is to use one of the numerous BDSM questionnaires which are available. Ranai (https://ranai.wordpress.com/kink-resources/en/topics/checklists/) has a good list to choose from. You fill out one, he files out one, then you exchange. It's a good exercise in establishing "intimate honesty" (not easy to do!!) Even after an 8-year relationship with my submissive I decided it was time to do this - and the results were both surprising and illuminating.
If I can be useful please feel free to get back with me. I'm also on Fetlife as BrianR.