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I've known my wife for 15 years, married five.  We have two kids.  One day out of nowhere she comes to me with a big leather tassel and wants me to hit her.  I thought she meant the children, who are a little young and corporal punishment doesn't work. Then she points to these sites that are ridiculous, I mean really ridiculous.  All this from 50 shades of grey!  How much are those models being paid!?  I really have no clue where this is coming from.  I've never been in a fight before, though I've always wanted to take a bat to the printer.  I'm really at a loss, this is something she should have figured out 15 years ago.  Can I go to jail?   This is I unfathomable.  Even if it were legal, how does one do it.  I don't even know if I could do it to someone who rapes my child.  By the way, if its hereditary, what do I tell my kids. I have to remain open minded, but can they be taken advantage of?  There has to be a safe haven for them.  Nope, I still can't think rationally about this. I'm literally blabbing right now. Complete gibberish.

By the way, can I say that my wife usually makes the decisions about things like food, clothing, education. She even prefers to drive.  I'm usually focused on work and work.  She didn't want to whip me, did she?  Now that I think of it, maybe this was a possibility. She should know I have a low pain tolerance. This makes absolutely no sense. Do people really want to be him for pleasure?  Is this just a way for ugly women to get paid for porn?  Come to think of it, one of the videos seemed like it was a man.  I couldn't bring myself to click any of them. It seems like a significant violation.

Answer
Hi Frank - interesting question.

Sometime back, when I had been married about 15 years, my (now ex but that is not important) wife came to me with some scarves and asked me to tie her up. No warm up just "Would you." My reaction was, in looking back, almost phobic. I think my words were along the lines of "I'm not a pervert." So I can understand your feelings.

We have been taught, and believe, that anytime a man hits a women, for any reason, that is abuse.And in many, but not all, cases that is the case. Fast forward to about 10 years ago when my wife and I entered into the world of BDSM where the difference between abuse and pleasure is - consent. I hit my wife. What you saw was called a flogger and is used for "impact play." When the body is subjected to trauma, such as repeated strikes with a flogger, the response is to release endorphin's - the same chemicals that are responsible for "runner high". I also stike her with my hands (open, no fists for me so it's more heavy slapping). I watch her reactions carefully, I listen to her, carefully. From practice I know when too much is enough, and I will whisper in her ear "I am going to stop now" and with that I will stroke her skin, wrap her in a blanket, and snuggle with her on the table. For us, it is as intimate as sex.

My intent is to see her smile, to her her sighs, to watch her toes curl, to see her respond to the energy I am giving to her. When we go to bed she will snuggle and ask "when can we do that again?"  

50 Shade Vol I is not a bad book, James gets some things right, but she totally doesn't get the feelings behind this.

Two other friends have been married for about 18 years, have two lovely boys approaching their teens, and they also will play like this when they know the boys will not be around.

Neither her desire, or your reaction are bad. What could have been better is if she had prepared you better, or perhaps you were like I and didn't get the "clues" which might have been left for us.

What your wife did is courageous. Your reaction, like mine was disrespectful. Understandable but when you think about how far out of her comfort zone she went to try and pull you too her, that deserves respect. You have some damage control to do my friend. This is an opportunity to sit down and have a good talk - with no interruptions, perhaps with a glass of wine (or two) if you both are so inclined.

The difference between BDSM and abuse is informed consent. James touches on this in Vol I but because she does not really know what she is talking she brushes it off. But your wife never considered whether you would give your consent. And when it was sprung on you, you had no context to understand what had changed.  

BDSM is a way to achieve a degree of intimacy I have never experienced in two previous marriages. That is what your wife is looking for, to break away from the everyday into the world of erotic energy created by the strange, the different.

I would recommend "Mating in Captivity" (http://www.amazon.com/Mating-Captivity-Unlocking-Erotic-Intelligence/dp/00607536 ) by Dr. Ester Perel (she has several TED talks if you are familiar with TED). Her specialty is patching relationships up after an affair but her approach in her book has several themes. Why will we (men) do to strangers what we will not do with our wives? (also called the Madona/whore syndrome). Men think they have a corner on the erotic desires, but isn't part of allowing our women to be fully developed people is to not only allow but celebrate their eroticism? There is a video going around the internet called "You are Right, Hotel Sex Is Better" (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/hotel-sex-better-than-regular-sex-ian-kerner)

Does she want to hit you? Well that's a whole different conversation (and one I encourage you to have by the way).

James gets the motivations of Christian Grey all wrong. The movie makes it even "wronger". I'm not a sadist (one who like to give pain simply because they like to give pain) nor is my wife very much of a masochist (one who likes to receive pain simply because they do.) I know how to build the endorphin flow from slow, to heavy. That is what she likes - the floating feeling of an endorphin high brought about with love from her husband. For us, we play "gentle".

For example, ask your wfie to bare her back, and gently slap (open handed) her shoulder. Enough to make some noise, but not enough to intentionally cause pain. Watch her face, carefully. See how her skin get a bit read. Stroke her skin where you hit her, feel the heat from the increased blood flow. Feel the impact her skin made on your hand. Kiss her skin where you stuck her, and ask if you could do that again.

This is what she is asking for. The connection which comes from the stepping outside of being husband and wife to being - lovers, again. You cannot do this if work is on your mind. It requires 100% of your attention on what you are doing, what you are going to do, and how you want her to react.

This is what she wants. You. Your 100% attention. She want you back. Not at work, not worried about the kids, or anything else, she wants you, 100%. And BDSM, done YOUR way, is A way of getting this connection.

She is asking you join her in a new journey, where she can be the erotic creature she feels like. Where she can trust you enough that she can talk intimately and candidly about her secrets. She has had this secret for some time, finally worked up the courage to share it with you. Be worthy of hearing her secret by saying "I need more information, more time, more conversation. This is new, I'm scared of how I will feel if I every hit you like this, I'm scared of what family or friends will think/say if they know I do this. I'm scared of the police." She has shared your fantasy with you, you have an opportunity to restore her trust if you talk about your fears.

OK, Fears
(1) I'm an abuser if I hit her. No - not if she has given consent and your motive is not to hurt but to bring pleasure
(2) She is a pervert. I was just at a convention with two hundred people all doing this (and more)
(3) You are a pervert for even thinking about this. Again, consent. Perversion is when there is no consent, or the person is to young, or you want to do this only when you are destabilized by drugs or alcohol. Wrong reasons.
(4) It will make you a swinger. My wife an I are monogamous and only play with each other.
(5) It's against the law. Well, technically yes, falls under assault and/or battery. If you get to "vigorous" and the neighbors call the cops, if it's not handled delicately (by both of you), then the police may see it as domestic violence and will arrest you even though she protests.Moral of the story, don't draw attention, don't give an excuse for the police to come to your door. 50 Shades did the world a favor because it did give us a common vocabulary. "I apologize officer, my wife read 50 shades of Grey and we were giving it a try. We will be quieter so that we don't disturb our neighbors." (That has actually worked by the way). The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF https://www.ncsfreedom.org/) is working to include "consent" as a viable defense under certain conditions.

But you have to talk. Look at it as her breaking this wall into another room. She broke the wall but wants you to come in with her. It is scary, it is fun, it is very erotic.

I hope I have put your mind somewhat at ease, and if there is anything I can help with, any more questions you would like to ask, please give me a follow-up.

Regards, and my very best to you both
Brian

P.S. Oh, my wife is actually very cute :)
Oh, and please don't confuse porn with real life. They are actors and it's a performance.

Brian

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BrianR

Expertise

I will answer questions related to long term Master/slave relationships.

Experience

We have been married since 2007, and I collared her on November 1, 2008. My slave and I are married, monogamous, and committed to each other. My relationship with my slave is based on mutual love, respect, and frankly fun. Race Bannon has said "if you are not having fun then you are doing it wrong." We are having lots of fun so we must be doing something right! My slave is an intelligent (BS in Mathematics actually), and strong women who chooses to put her power into my service and, perhaps seemingly paradoxically as she is my submissive, my equal. She is my slave, my wife, my best friend, and my only lover. I respect her for her ability to submit and truly believe that it takes more strength to submit then to dominate. She follows, but not blindly.

Organizations
Masters and Slaves Together - Marysville (Washington) (founding director) MAsT International - Assistant Northwest Regional Representative 2015, Regional Representtive 2016 BDSM Writers Workshop (April 2016) http://bdsmwriterscon.com/

Publications
My essays are on Fetlife under BrianR (https://fetlife.com/users/9389/posts)

Education/Credentials
Engineer (however this probably should be under the category "barriers your slave has overcome")

Awards and Honors
With my lovely slave we were Northwest Master and slave 2013

Past/Present Clients
With my slave I have presented at national and international events since 2013. While we enjoy presenting at national events, we find more satisfaction in talking with small groups from Boise ID to Singapore and Hong Kong. Our list of classes is available at

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