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BDSM/Curious and a personal problem

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Question
Mr. Ben Martin,

I took myself out of the lifestyle last year when my former Mistress really hurt me. She stole from me, violated my trust and crossed several other highly Un necessary lines. Recently an old friend made themselves and their personal interest known to me. Needless to say I'm very flattered.

The problem is large groups of people make me uncomfortable. Large groups of men or when larger men outnumber the ladies in a ginormous way intimidates me. My new Lady friend is a social Lady and I'm not sure if maybe I should just leave her alone because I don't care to be in bars or in high population clubs and she does.

How do you advise me to proceed in a respectful manner but also in a way that will be demonstrating my interest is in her but not her social activities? Also I wanted to mention that I am poly inclined and very comfortable with her acquiring an escort and a different girl to enjoy her other interests with her.

Also I'm not sure how to explain to her why I walked away from my previous relationship or the lifestyle.  She had seen me at some small gatherings directed towards bisexual and lesbian women but wants to know why I stopped going. So far I told her that I had some issues with a past relationship but I don't know what to say when she asks again. I know I should be more open but it's hard for me to discuss hurtful topics.

Please help this masochistic girl to make a good submissive.

Also should I mention to her that I have a phobia of birds? Seriously.  She doesn't have a pet bird or anything like that but she sent me a questionaire and I have filled it out but after looking at some of my kinks it seems silly and I've never had anyone care about my personal phobias or problems that may be outside of the scene. Would you consider it necessary information?

Thank you for your help
Me

Answer
The bottom line is that it's a relationship - or could be a relationship if you're both compatible. And the only way to discover your compatibility is by talking.

So rather than presuming that your distaste for crowds (or anything else) is or isn't a problem - or how it can be resolved - just talk. Sit down and find out what she would like the relationship to look like and what her expectations of you would be. Then share with her what are your needs, interests and boundaries. With all that information on the table you can both see if there is a configuration that works for both of you.

By not prejudging the problem or solution you allow all more territory to see if a mutually satisfying relationship is possible.

As part of that, I'd encourage you to talk about your past relationship as much as possible. Not to dish dirt. But so you're both aware of triggers and issues to avoid.

It may or may not work out. But the only way to find out is by talking

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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