You are here:

BDSM/Turning a dom into a sub part 2

Advertisement


Question
QUESTION: I had my second encounter today with Marie. You are dead on. She knew about sub-space and asked, no begged me to learn about it. She is seeking behavior modification. She sees things about herself that she wants to change and wants me to help her change them through total bondage and severe punishment. She is seeking an authority figure. She has a boyfriend that she lives with and is seeing me on the side. I knew this from the start. She shows no inclination of wanting to change that arrangement. However, today at the end of our time I brought up the scenario of me finding a girlfriend as a primary relationship. She stipulated that she would want my GF to know about her and for the three of us to play together. Later she texted me to ask if she was being selfish by wanting me for herself. She then snuck out to call me while her boyfriend was home (which she has never ever done). She seemed almost panicked of losing me. She said I could do anything with anyone I wanted as long as I kept her as my slave. What could possibly be driving this behavior?

ANSWER: Hmmm.  I'd written quite bit to you, went into a meeting and, upon returning, found it had gone away.  So, I'll start over.

I, personally, selected a dominant female to be my Master specifically asking her to correct certain personal attitudes/behaviors that I disliked in myself. She agreed. She had 18 years of experience running a non-consensual D/s structure: she controlled her husband and he did not know it.

It was a very difficult two years and I rebelled a number of times, leaving for the night or even a few weeks to go back and live with my former slave.

Change can't come from her outside -- her wish to be bound and punished. Change is internal. You have to really, really want to change. If she is, in fact, in that position, I'd highly recommend that she have many sessions with a clinically certified hypnotherapist -- as in PhD, state licensed and such. I felt it did me a world of good and the changes, though a bit gradual, have been remarkable. I am much more calm in my heart as a result both of the hypnotherapy and of Jen's consistent ethical stand with regard to rightness and wrongness.

If she is really interested in changing herself and if she is truly looking to you to precipitate that change, then I have a few suggestions for you to consider. First, I'd have her read and report back to you in detail, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People." The issue: she will need to change from "personality ethic" to "character ethic."

Second, I'd require her to go through "Pathway to Happiness" (.com).  The first four lessons are free and the whole 10-session set is only $100. Again, this is foundational to effecting change that will last.

If you wish to go down such a serious path, write back to me and I'll send you a more complete list of resources. Much of what you're fighting with her is the current "culture of youth." She may not react too well to the culture of adulthood.

Concerning her seeing you without letting her boyfriend know. That's a character flaw called lying and deceit. I wouldn't encourage it.

In terms of creating a threesome where everyone plays together -- I'm all for polyamory. However, I'd question whether she could pull it off with an open heart.

Oh, and while I understand that you are using precise words, if you really mean that she is "stipulating" terms and conditions to you, then she's running the relationship. It might help if you required her to use such phrases as: "Sir, meaning no disrespect, might you consider..."

Back to you.

Bob




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Bob,

  I am grateful for your insights and have expanded my level of understanding into my slave's motivations as a result. I have some serious choices to make. Our initial agreement specified certain parameters that will have to be modified if I choose to continue. I specifically enunciated that there would be two states of interaction: In Character (IC) and Out of Character (OOC). While OOC we are human beings of equal worth and full equality, and IC I am master and she is property. She stated that I had fulfilled her desires exactly. My motivation for this relationship is entirely for sexual gratification though my nature as a caring human being influences my choices as well. She likes what she is getting and I do too. There is mutual gratification. However, I see a conflict in the offing that could cause problems. I am actively seeking a primary relationship which is vanilla on the outside and D/s in an intense and flirtatious way sexually. I'm a corporate human resource director for crying out loud. I have life goals and aspirations. I like her and care for her, and I see possibilities to explore some fantasies such as D/S/s with her girl sub she already has. However, it would require a high degree of compartmentalization on my part to pull this off and maintain the necessary focus to achieve my primary goals. Simply put can I play with these two hot chicks and snag a freaky trophy wife and a VP title all at once? That's a question for me to answer in the end, but any comments you have to offer would be much appreciated.

Answer
Hmmmm....

I was right along with you with the M/S/s and agreeing that with your HR skills you can probably pull it off.

Then you came to the vanilla trophy wife and the VP slot.

Ummmmm.  Your vanilla wife-candidate will probably not look kindly on your BDSM activities with other ladies on the grounds that she won't want to share that level of intimacy with the HCs (Hot Chicks). Secretes, of course, are out the question. First, they display a lack of integrity; second, you'll get caught at it. So... I suspect that you'll have to go through the Hot BDSM Chick phase an then work on a HOT BDSM Lady who can be presented to your colleagues on a Saturday night get-together as they assess your VP qualifications.

Now: so far as maintaining a visible BDSM Chick while trying to climb the corporate ladder doesn't sound lake a well-traveled path. It sounds more like a path where your CEO calls a meeting of his secret advisers to discuss how to handle you with your (recently discovered) secret BDSM life.

On the other hand, says my 5'7" blond Master who is 20 years younger than I: "Anything is possible. He can find a Trophy Wife who is BDSM-friendly and understanding, and he can be working in a company that believes that your private life is private and of no concern to them. We make our own realities."

My take on this is that you're in a good position and I'd ride it for a while to see if the S/s combination will hold. You might also consider attending some weekend BDSM conferences not only to pick up some skills, but also to get to know the mind-set of other like you. If you tell me some large cities you're near, I'll offer some recommendations.

There is one conference in this country where ALL the classes are focused on relationship issues. It's called the Master/slave Conference and it's in DC over Labor Day. I have attended the last ten of their eleven conferences. I encourage you to consider attending.  It would be an eye-opening experience.

Back to you.  

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.