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BDSM/Could BDSM be for me or am I barking up the wrong tree?

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Question
I've had a fantasy to be forced into sex for a long time, but I've been raped twice (not by choice), which makes it kind of complicated for me. To make it clear, I want to be forced or coerced into being pleasured sexually, but not raped. I am wondering if BDSM is the venue to explore this fantasy in a real setting.

Understandably, I've been reluctant to explore this to the extreme. I had this fantasy before I was raped, but having that happen to me made me feel so conflicted about this fantasy. Because of the rapes I suffered from PTSD and had recurring flashbacks every single time I had sex until I sought therapy. It's been ten years since. My emotional triggers are humiliation. I can't take humiliation.  No way. I like dirty talk and rough sex and all that, but not being called a slut or a whore or anything like that. I've lightly touched on the subject with previous partners and they were either too inexperienced, too vanilla, not skilled enough, not quite getting it or just too selfish.

I've watched a few Japanese movies where a girl is forced on a bus and it turns me on like no tomorrow. What I like is that the guy (or guys) is touching her against her will and turning her on. She seems unwilling but doesn't say anything and gets soaking wet from being touched and fingered. Everyone just ignores it like they don't notice and it's more like it's the setting where the sexual act takes place (public) she doesn't like rather than the sex itself. She seems a embarrassed about it but she never says no or tries to go away. She is forced to orgasm over and over again. She is not forced to do anything to the guy for a long time. When she's had a few orgasm finally then she is forced to bj/fuck with the assailant (or assailants).

I like the thought of a guy having complete control over my sexual arousal. The rapes I endured were all about the men's desire, both their sexual and my humiliation. They didn't give a shit about me.

Here are a few scenarios I might like:

For example, I fantasize about minding my own business, cleaning or something, and being grabbed from behind and fucked without "permission" (having agreed upon the scenario and allowed time period some time before, of course).

I want to wake up from being fucked in my sleep.

I want to be blindfolded and bound and stroked with a feather, an egg and other objects over my body... and teased... never touching my vagina, until I'm about to climax from anticipation.

I want to go to a bdsm/swing party/club by myself and party and find someone (or someones) to flirt with and then him/them touching me without permission, giving me "unwanted" pleasure (it could be roleplay with a dom I already knew). I would even love it if others came and watched (embarrassment, not humiliation), even masturbated over it or joined in.

I wouldn't mind being "punished" for being aroused or naughty as long as it didn't hurt too much. A little spanking, slapping or hair pulling would be ok. Sex toys and scourges would even be ok, but no nipple clips or weird latex costumes or anything like that.

I'd be a willing (temporary) slave to a man who established the sexual power over me to make me come multiple times.

I wonder, because I'm not into humiliation, latex or pain, if BDSM would be the right thing for me or not. I wouldn't want to disappoint a dom by being too restrictive or too controlling over the scenario. They would have to get something out of it too. What do you think?

Am I a sub or a freak?

Answer
Luna -

Let's start with your last question first: I hope you don't negatively label yourself for wanting to explore your sexuality, including activities that have some surface-level similarity to past abuse. It might interest you to know there are a fair number of people (in various roles) that have been abused at some point in their life. I'm not in a position to say it is or isn't something you should pursue. But for some people, it is a way to take back control of their lives and sexuality by engaging in activities that are grounded in consent and negotiation.

As to your observation  about not being into "humiliation, latex, or pain" - there is no reason you have to be interested in or engage in any of those activities. BDSM is a broad umbrella that spans a wide and diverse set of interests. Not all of those will or need to appeal to you

Which brings us to a key point: take the time to find an appropriate partner. This is true in any relationship; more true in a BDSM relationship; and even more true for someone with a history of abuse. You need someone you respect and who will respect you; someone that you can trust; and a relationship strong enough to weather that bad memories can be unintentionally triggered.

My suggestion is to find your local community and take time to meet people.  

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

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Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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