You are here:

BDSM/Long distance Master and pet

Advertisement


Question
Master struggling with pets ability and commitment to structure, protocol, and discipline.

Dear Ben,

I am struggling with how to frame this question, and not write an opus. think I failed, sorry.
Basics
Master / pet online, 24/7 committed, Him 42, Her 22. We met randomly not looking for anything, became friends, one day she said about her desire to be a pet, roughly 6 hours later we committed to giving it a real go, nearly 7 months ago now.
Now - Very much in love, feel bound to each other, desire and respect each other.  Of course has been a roller coaster of highs and lows and almost ending at least once

Lately she has been questioning if she is actually a submissive, and a couple of times even if she wishes to be pet.  Much of this is definitely borne from when she is down, and both of us becoming tired. We are still committed, but I know in myself there have been a few times I've said to myself I don't want to deal with her crap right now.  At times when we have been together it has been 'fine' ho hum, don't get me wrong we do enjoy peace and quiet together at times, but when that pall hangs over you, you know it is there, usually there will be some snipe from a misunderstanding by one or both of us.   Most of our time together is still actually great, I feel she over bakes the negative and contentious issues or if I'm letting her know I'm disappointed (btw I am not shouting at her or anything) over something it becomes we are 'always' having fights.

Pet is definitely not a 'stereotypical' submissive, she submits mostly to me and will happily tell anyone else who gets in her face to F*** off in no uncertain terms, can be aggressive, also depressive.

With other things going on in our lives, she has sought to 'take a break', it took me some work to define that a little, but it really means taking a break from the phone, and some less time together. We are still as we were in terms of our expectations to each other (i.e. we are not trying out other partners, we would not be disrespectful or diminish the other in company of others)  I am still her Master, she my pet and we want to still have some time limited fun together such as the creative writing we share.  

Because of health and other issues formal training / discipline has proven difficult to get started in a number of areas, and is an irritant because she has used that as a reason why she is feeling 'less submissive'.  However her health and wellbeing is paramount and we are struggling forward on getting that in a better, more stable place (i.e. diet, this is just for not crashing with low blood sugar or hypoglycaemia event, not aesthetics)

She will not work with me at the moment on any structure, protocol, activity, and just wants it left because she cannot deal with it. I am going to let this slide, I wanted a more proactive approach during this time as to how we might modify how we go about things, but for now I know we are solid, give her brain space.  Although I have said I am not going to let this drift.  

I have already of course been listening and have been trying a re-imagination of the words we use to describe ourselves already (she knows this) and put some more structure and protocol that will help us manage.  This goes to our promise to each other, our purpose in regard to her / us,  priorities and protocols / what are we going to do.  I want to make sure she is right in there with her voice but she will not at the moment.

OK so over the next few weeks do you have any tips for things I should be doing, or how I might go about making sure we retain a positive connection and not drift.  

So I'm asking for thoughts on approaches for this type of personality to get some structure in her life (beyond me as her rock she looks to) and keep going with this great thing we have. We have had really excellent success in orgasm control which I praise her for and her writing when it happens which I also praise her for.  

My major concerns to act on are diet; I have limited practical control here but she has responded somewhat and is grazing more during the day on slow burning energy items, solidifying and ultimately improving that. (her understanding of food groups, fast and slow burning energy sources is very limited).  
Mental wellbeing; I would like to put together some 'examples' if you like of how she will greet me in the morning to tell me simply how she is in mind and body so I am aware (she is seeming to get this one, but doesn't like me asking each day, and sometimes it is hard to get a good read on her), some easy responses to remind her and make her smile, such as 'You wear my collar pet'  "Yes Master I wear your collar" (she loves collars so this she likes),  Facilitating her writing, having her tell me accomplishments and what she would like to act on today at appropriate times to give her small bits to aim for.  Things like this.  
Personal Control: in terms of looking at the things she needs to be getting done, making time, and letting her tackle them as she is able but not become bigger issues.
Beyond that it is continue with orgasm control, sexual exploration to keep her vibrant, and whatever I can do to build her pride, self worth, self reflection, inner peace and obedience to her Master.

Thank you
Marc

Answer
Marc -

I'm a believer in strategic use of protocols to support and advance a power dynamic. With that background explanation, my advice to you is: Don't layer on more protocols. Adding additional requirements and expectations won't solve the fact of noncompliance with your existing structure.

Rather, I suggest you two have a conversation about (1) what you each want out of the relationship; how you each define your power-based dynamic - including roles, responsibilities and expectations, and (3) why she is being disobedient. This needs to be an honest discussion that seeks to uncover the root issues. For instance, is her noncompliance because she isn't on board with the goals? Doesn't feel motivated to comply? Is being resistant to prompt a response and "feel" your control? Or???

The nature of an online relationship poses further challenges to a power dynamic. Given the physical distance, there needs to be alignment of wills and heightened sense of obedience. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of your current challenges and forge a foundation on which to build

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.