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Question
Ben,
I have had a feeling inside me my entire life that I could never name or explain. I am now in my 40s and have met my Sir. I know now that the feeling is that of a slave.
I have been with Sir about two years and am deeply in love and fully devoted. We have had a mild D/s component to our relationship since our beginning. I am Masters degree educated and have been very independant and even bossy is my previous relationships. When I met Sir I was like this. As we have evolved, I have evolved and am able to express what I always felt/knew. The problem now is that he appreciates my empowered side but I do not want to be empowered with him. I have expressed this a number of ways but cannot seem to be able to get him to appreciate the depth of my need. He is a good Sir and is occasionally commanding of me. Is there something I can do to better explain my need now that I can finally name/understand it? I'm feeling frustrated since I am finally so close after so very long...
Hopeful,
Morsel

Answer
morsel -

Before directly diving into the answer, I want to cover a few important "preamble" items that may help you:

1) It's wonderful that you've figured out for yourself that you want a relationship grounded in authority transfer.  Knowing what you want is the first big step in self-actualization.  However, remember that he also needs to decide what he wants.  No matter how much he loves you, or wants you happy, he needs to be who he is.  And I assure you, being "Master" to make you happy is a recipe for frustration, resentment, and disappointment.

2) There are innumerable permutations for M/s.  Part of it depends on motivation (attention, service, obedience, consistency, etc.); part of it depends on personality and management/leadership style.  You need to have compatible visions.  He may be quiet and want to sit back and be served; you may want clear and frequent directives.  Neither approach is right; nor is either a "bad" Master or slave.

3) slavery does not equate to weakness.  Many (if not most) slaves are powerful people - no matter how you slice it.  So I know slaves that are lawyers, doctors and engineers.  Similarly, they have strong personalities.  slavery is a chosen relationship style; not a personality blemish.  He may know that, but because of societal pressures, fears that he is demeaning you or not treating you as he "should".

So what is the solution to all this?  Talk, listen, explore.

Talking to him enables you to express what you need and want.  It also empowers you to assure him that you'll be OK. And facilitates each of you finding your motivations and desired structure.  As part of that, I'd encourage you to give him positive feedback (e.g., when you told me what you wanted for dinner I really appreciate the guidance and knowing we were doing what you wanted….)

Listening (really listening, not preparing your response) is the best way to learn what he wants, what his motivations are, and what his concerns are.  Don't immediately tell me you agree and want what he wants.  Don't compromise on what you need in order to please him.  Just…..listen.  Compare what the two of you are looking for and see where there is and isn't overlap.

Explore - whether together or alone.  One of the best ways to explore and learn is to see what others do.  Not to mimic them, but to see what the options are.  There are MAsT (Masters and slaves Together) chapters in Virginia from Hampton Roads to Northern Virginia.  They hold monthly meetings and discuss topics rooted in M/s dynamics.  There is also a Master/slave Conference in Maryland Labor Day weekend, and the MTTA Academy has weekend academies each year for Masters and slaves.

I hope this helped start the process of better exploring this with your partner.

Master Ben

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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