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Question
I recently discovered my deep desire for submission. I met a man on a regular online dating site. he said he was not from my city but planning on moving here in a couple of weeks. we connected and he very quickly told me he is looking for a submissive in the bedroom. it was like the veil had been lifted between my sexual side and my submissive side as he directed and commanded me. we messaged and skyped although his camera mysteriously 'didn't work' i was developing a level of trust and desire but also some concern.... he would dissapear suddenly after kinky skype sessions in which i could not see him. after the first time i was sure i just made a sex video for some lying stranger (prob did) and i was very hurt and upset. he would not text me or call me on the phone. and never gave me a really good reason why. he totally vanished into thin air four days ago. even his email address no longer a valid server. it crossed my mind that this was some kind of punishment. but i didn't really do anything and it seems so unreal to me now... i'm left with a desire to be submitted and confusion. if it is a 'punishment' it seems very cruel and now any trust is broken. whats your take? i got played didn't i.

Answer
Hi, alicia --

Well, it would have been nice if the story had come out differently, but yes, you were played.

Some backgroudn: The "BDSM-types" that hang out on the Internet (derisively known as "Internet Doms and subs") have different (often quite unethical and impolite) ways of interacting.  This is the land where "Dom/mes" and "Masters" and "Mistresses" order people about as if they had earned some right to do so. Often, these people are in their own committed relationships and their Internet lives are totally secret releases for their fantasies. If their real partners knew what they were saying to other men/women, they'd be devastated, for it is often emotional unfaithfulness.

In a general sense, the Internet BDSM scene is mostly silliness and pretending -- but, every so often, someone is using this forum to start to actually learn about our culture.  So - you never quite know.

Here's the general rule: If the person does not "do" BDSM in what is called "the public arena" -- belongs to a BDSM club, reads books on the subject (see www.KinkMastery.com) and is a member of Fetlife -- they're immediately VERY suspect.


[Fetlife= www.FetLife.com) it's free - it's our "Facebook" and if you join, I'm Dr_Bob -- send me a friend request, please). On Fetlife, there are lots and lots of "groups" with special foci -- some groups for submissives, some for pets, some for slaves, etc. You can also learn about "munches" in your area. Munches are social gatherings at restaurants where newcomers are welcomed. It's a casual way of starting out in this community. Also, if you go to www.bdsmeventspage.com you can find lists of the major weekend conferences in your part of the country. I HIGHLY recommend that you go and find out what our world is about.]

Now: on "punishment" -- Punishment is a concept mostly born of the Internet and playing at BDSM the way it's featured in the public media. In fact, the reality is that a two people (of whatever sexual orientation) have decided to have a "power exchange" relationship that involves kinky sex.  The very fact that each of you have found one another means that each of you is very valuable for the other. The relationship goal, thus, is to build trust and support with your partner. The only true grounds for punishment would result from dishonesty or some ethical flaw. Then, however, you'd have to ask yourself why you want to be with someone who behaves that way, anyway.

Here's your "take-away:" Join Fetlife. Pick up copies of our latest two books, for they will give you A LOT OF SAFETY when you start out. I'm a sociologist, and those books are written to explain our culture to those who are just starting out. Find a local BDSM club that offers education programs (not just play parties) and start learning.  Don't get involved with anyone who can not be vouched for by someone you've already met and you already like. Don't rush into anything.

When you first start out with a BDSM club, you'll be viewed by many of the established men as "fresh meat." It's fun to introduce a newcomer to what is called "sm play" (sado-masochistic play). Before you accept the flattery of the more established club members, please rely on advice and observations of some of the senior submissives to give you background and "trustworthiness" reports on anyone you're thinking of befriending.

Also, find someone of your own gender to mentor you. Do NOT get involved with a mentor who might be "mentoring" you into bed.

Anyway -- I'm 70 and have a 35 year old daughter and I'm very pro-women.  As if you had trouble telling.

I wish you well: If I can be of more help, you're free to contact me on Fet or back on here or through the website.

Bob  

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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