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BDSM/Using Domminess / Toppiness to Deal with My Insecurities

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QUESTION: My girlfriend and I are both inexperienced with BDSM. While I've always seen myself as more of a bottom than a top, my girlfriend's desires to play as a bottom have invigorated me to learn how to be a good top, and I have already read several books about sex and BDSM. All of this reading, thinking, and a new kind of fantasizing has led me to some weird ideas that I feel must be checked by someone (like you :) with more experience and knowledge.

I have long dealt with a number of deep-seated insecurities that mostly revolve around dark feelings like the fear of abandonment and loneliness--even though I paradoxically actually rather relish my alone time, funny as that sounds. I have learned various methods of dealing with these things, so it's under control, you might say, but it's there. (I have a fantastic therapist!)

It is with caution that I have started to develop this idea that maybe BDSM could be a good way for me, as a soon-to-be-Dommy-or-toppy lover, to use as an additional tool for working through some of these insecurities while simultaneously satisfying my girlfriend's desires. At least in theory, this seems like a brilliant idea, but I feel like I need to be careful if I try going down this route. So here are a few questions that I am eager to ask you:

A) Is Domminess/toppiness an acceptable medium for dealing with personal insecurities?

B) If so, what are some precautions you would advise I take so as to ensure that I am not hurtful in the process of using BDSM for this purpose?

C) Are there any techniques or dynamics you would recommend that might be particularly effective for dealing with my own fears of abandonment or loneliness? Sexual self-esteem is another big insecurity of mine that I'm working through right now. We're both pretty much open to trying anything at least once :)

ANSWER: RJ-

Let's start by acknowledging that people enter all of their interpersonal interactions carting the depth of their emotions and experiences. And there are those that use these interactions to work through those issues.

For instance, a person with difficulties under the spotlight might force themselves to do public speaking as a way of combating the anxiety. Similarly, there are instances where people use BDSM to explore and overcome issues. One example is someone who suffered abuse acting out a rape fantasy. While that might seem counterintuitive on its face, some people find it helpful to take control of what was an experience of loss of control.

What distinguishes those two examples is the role of the participant. At worst, the audience has to hear a bad speech. In contrast, the staged "rapist" could feel deep guilt or have to deal with a failed effort that causes deep psychological scars

Which brings us to your situation. It is unclear if you are talking about a scene designed to address your fear of abandonment (maybe bondage or making your partner a "captive"), or trying to make permanent relationships steps (whether locking in the basement or using constant psychological steps to make her feel she can't leave). Either way, it is essential to remember that: (1) BDSM relationships should be grounded in consent, with the details freely and openly negotiated, (2) the actions of the participants should not only do no harm - but ideally benefit all participants.

With that in mind, the burden is on you to think through how your BDSM play or relationship dynamic could help address your abandonment issues, consider whether your partner would also benefit, and discuss this with her and proceed only with her consent.

Personally, I would rather have a discussion, where you divulge your fears and work together to provide reassurance



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I see, I should have clarified: I have been very open about all of this with my partner as soon as I realized they were surfacing. And, of course, I never intend to do anything my partner will not also want to take part in. I am just wondering if there are any known ways to use BDSM as a healing mechanism for a Dom or top with security issues. I guess what you're saying is that that's going to have to be something for me to discover on my own?

Answer
Glad to hear you're talking through all of this.

Yes, the short answer is that you'll need to see if there is a Top took that helps you deal with your abandonment issues. Run through the "toolbox@ - bondage, commands, etc - and see if anything resonates with you

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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