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I am a relatively new sub/slave in training.  I care very much for master n believe he cares for me but his communication skills n effort suck lately..says he wants this with me. .is on process of writing a contract for us..been about 3 months ..n that he would eventually like me to wear his collar..a goal I would like to achieve if  he would just be more engaged in the process.  Often feel like I am learning n training myself thru research on line. Some days he is engaged and then goes silent  for days at a time. We see each other several times a month but seems totally oblivious to my needs in this.  I know I can be very eager in learning about this but still...we have been together for 8 months now n although he tells me what to expect n how things will be...never seems to make it actually happen.  I am getting very frustrated and usually leads to me acting out because he doesn't respond when I try to communicate openly n honestly  about how  his silence makes me feel..just  when o think about throwing in towel he reels Me back in.  How do I me him understand his inconsistency is hurting me.

Answer
Hi Patricia - thank you for the heartfelt question.

Honest, two way, communication is the foundation that any M/s relationship is built on. But there are some other characteristics that are very important also - openness and transparency. It is common for a master to expect their slave to be open about what is disturbing them, and transparent about what they are doing and why. But I think that this is essential for the master as well. I think that he has a pretty good idea what is going on in your life but, I would guess, you don't have a clue about what is going on in his.

Question - is this a totally on-line relationship or do you have an opportunity to physically get together? This is really important for me to know before I can go much deeper.

My slave and I were Long Distance for almost two years, but sought every opportunity we could to be together, even though there was a 20 hour plane ride separating us. After the first time we met physically the mutual craving to be together just increased. We were fortunate that the longest we were apart was "only" six month, even though one time it was just for a weekend when both of us were able to fly to Japan (half way for us both). If there is desire, even if long distance, to create a mutual physical relationship then it is work fighting for. Unfortunately reading between the lines I think he has other things going on in his life and you simply are, I apologize for being blunt, not a priority.  

I believe in contracts, I believe in the process of working through them, putting our wants, needs, and desires down on paper. But if it's not mutual, if he is not as invested in the process as you, then I think that is a good indication of his ability to be a master.

It's simply not fair to you to have you put yourself into a document and which he has no interest or emotional investment.

I've got an idea where you are going emotional about now, how if only you had been more - slave like then this would not be happening. Problem is I read you putting yourself out (good girl! :) ) and him giving nothing back. It's not you, but rather his inability to commit, to be authentic, to allow you to become part of his life. He is in yours, but I think you are, to him a plaything.

Consider "what is in this relationship for me?" "What am I getting out of this?" "Am I happy?" My slave can answer those questions in an instant. What is in it for her are the same things that are in it for me - the most wonderful, deepest, profound and emotionally satisfying relationship I have ever had. I am happy, she is happy to be in my service. we, together, are totally committed to our relationship.

To me any less commitment of a master is, well, disrespectful of the slave.

In our classes we teach that each slave has a prime directive - you are responsible for your own well being. No one will look out for you better than you looking out for yourself. You have committed to him, you have consented to allow him to be your master - if this relationship isn't working at all for you then it's time for you to withdraw your consent and walk.

See this as an opportunity to learn. Learn about yourself, about relationships, about what it is that you seek from your heart. You deserve happiness - because if you are unhappy why are you doing this?

Please do answer back, I'd love it if you said I had it all wrong; and perhaps I do because I can only apply my 10 years of experience to read between the lines of your letter. I hope that I am wrong, and that I don't have it right as I wish you only the best in this journey.

Reach out to your community by the way. You are not the only person with a slaves heart who is trying to get it right. Go to Feflife.com and you can look for events in your area. My slave and I run support groups, I for Dom's, she for slaves. Perhaps there is a group like that in your area. Find a way of meeting other slaves, the company is wonderful; just knowing you are not the only one who feels like you do is, liberating.

Check back in and let me know.

regards
Brian

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BrianR

Expertise

I will answer questions related to long term Master/slave relationships.

Experience

We have been married since 2007, and I collared her on November 1, 2008. My slave and I are married, monogamous, and committed to each other. My relationship with my slave is based on mutual love, respect, and frankly fun. Race Bannon has said "if you are not having fun then you are doing it wrong." We are having lots of fun so we must be doing something right! My slave is an intelligent (BS in Mathematics actually), and strong women who chooses to put her power into my service and, perhaps seemingly paradoxically as she is my submissive, my equal. She is my slave, my wife, my best friend, and my only lover. I respect her for her ability to submit and truly believe that it takes more strength to submit then to dominate. She follows, but not blindly.

Organizations
Masters and Slaves Together - Marysville (Washington) (founding director) MAsT International - Assistant Northwest Regional Representative 2015, Regional Representtive 2016 BDSM Writers Workshop (April 2016) http://bdsmwriterscon.com/

Publications
My essays are on Fetlife under BrianR (https://fetlife.com/users/9389/posts)

Education/Credentials
Engineer (however this probably should be under the category "barriers your slave has overcome")

Awards and Honors
With my lovely slave we were Northwest Master and slave 2013

Past/Present Clients
With my slave I have presented at national and international events since 2013. While we enjoy presenting at national events, we find more satisfaction in talking with small groups from Boise ID to Singapore and Hong Kong. Our list of classes is available at

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