BDSM/Sub

Advertisement


Question
QUESTION: I am very new to a Dom/sub relationship. I have been reading about limits. I found a website that supplied a list of activities in BDSM. I printed it and did some research on the meanings of the activities. Only also allows you to rate weather it's a soft or hard limit willingness etc. I am not sure of the protocol for giving your Dom a gift. Would wrapping this list of my limits be a suitable gift?  Thanks ln advance.

ANSWER: Hi Ginel

Wow, what a fantastic question! I think your Dom is fortunate indeed to have you as a submissive.

As to protocols; another word for protocol would be "rules". These, typically are formalized by the Dom. However when no rule is available then I think the default in all situations is "Respect". So wrapping it and presenting it with respect (however respect is expressed in your relationship) would be very appropriate.

What has me a bit bemused however is you having to take in initiative to do this (which is absolutely great!). What allows us to accept BDSM in ourselves, and others, is Rule #1. Nothing happens without mutual, informed, consent. You say "You reading about limits", to me this is self-directed research? Or would it be more accurate to say "I am expanding my knowledge of my limits." which would imply you had discussed limits, reached agreement, and you became curious about what other things happen?

The distinction is subtle; when you were both new to each other did you discuss limits (good!) or did you accept a D/s relationship without understanding that having at least some defined limits is the bases for trust? (not so good).

Your dom only has the level of control over you that you consent to give to him - which is why the both of you being able to talk about limits is so very important.

Doms will have limits too by the way. A beautyful match is one where there is a high level of equivalent answers. But Bethere to find mis-matches early.

In the past I have taken this type of quiz at the same time, and we exchanged answers at the same time. That is a form of trust building, as well as getting a bit more unbiased answers (even though I find myself self-editing as a form of protecting my self image. Silly, I need to work with that a bit more. I expect complete honesty from those in my service however I am reserved in my responses. Mildly hypocritical of me :( )

But back to your question. I would be absolutely delighted if my slave were to give me a box, tied in ribbon, with such an assessment enclosed. In my head I see her handing it to me with formality, eyes lowered, saying only "A gift of myself, Sir, to you."

I would be delight. I hope your Dom realizes you are a keeper!! :)

Respectfully
Brian

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you Brian. :)  Yes "rules" sound much better than "protocol".  I am reading about limits because I am not completely sure of what BDSM "play" entailed, so yes I became curious. But yes, a more accurately is "I am expanding my knowledge of my limits".  We have discussed what is expected not so much limits, as we are both new to this and each other.  He is testing where my "line" is? aka "limits". He and I communicate easily.  I think that is part of the draw.  I spent 20+ years with a man and never communicated they way I can with him.  I know trust is HUGE in this type of relationship/commitment.  And even though I haven't known him long I do trust him.  I do have a tendency to be shy though. I up to this point have not seen signs of mismatch.  He shared that he had been asked by 2 others to be his Dom, but he really would like to pursue this with me. He is the first person that has peaked my interest.  Just something about him.  

And yes Sir, it is mildly hypocritical of you if you expect complete honesty from your slave.  Why are you so worried about your self image. Just be you, Sir.  

Thank you for your response. I was most helpful.  :)

Question: how well do D/s relationships work if they both agree to see other people?  Can it work?  How often do the D/s fall for each other??  By others I mean not another D/s relationship. Just normal.

Respectfully
Ginel

How often do D/s relationships work if they are open to seeing other people?

Answer
It is common that people in the BDSM community are non-monogomous. There are basically two ways this can be labeled; open or polyamorous. I think poly is the common umbrella term but I believe poly involves love and committment rather than open (which is a "we don't hide that we like to have kinky sex with people other than our primary partners"). Swingers have an open relationship, I don'T think they are poly.

For me both open and poly involve "sex" and I don't include BDSM "play" in either.

We identify as "strictly monogomous" i.e. by anyones definition we are :) (with no hair splitting like in the Fetlife group "Monogamy is not a type of wood". In this group there is almost endless hair splitting about what does and does not constitute monogomy.

The current Northwest Master and slave are interesting. Each is married to their primary partner, however they are in a committed long term Master/slave relationship (six years now I think) with each other.

The key point is that there is honesty in all the relationships. Everyone knows about the other, With Ms. Rhonda and her slave tomo, they are actually all friends.

But .... for me the level of committment between the Dom and the submissive needs to be clearly defined. If you, as a submissive, agree to serve two Doms, and they have not agreed between themselves how this will work, then I don't think that can be sustained.

At some points emotions will come need to find a way out. Can it work out, have I seen n-way relationship work? I would have to say, in general, no.

Multiple play partners? Those seem to be OK. Multiple D/s much less often.

More typical is a Dom or Master with multiple people in service to them, however the subs or slaves only have a single Dom or Master. Is there love involved? Usually the sub or slave will be in love, however the reverse is very carefully managed.

Can it work? Yes. Can it work for a long time? Maybe.

Again, you need to think, and be able to articulate, what you need, and to seperated this from what you want. "I need security, I want good sex." If you are presently in a long term relatiobship, how will you discuss this with your partner? How much will you be willing to share?

For us, everytime multi-way relationships come up we feel very blessed that our relationship is simple and, well, boring. :)

But, life has a way of giving us interesting problems to solve. Best advice I can give is "be honest with everyone" I think if everyone can sit down and have dinner then it can work. Hide anything from anyone, that's a ticking bomb which can hurt everyone.

Regards
Brian (BrianR on Fetlife.com)

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


BrianR

Expertise

I will answer questions related to long term Master/slave relationships.

Experience

We have been married since 2007, and I collared her on November 1, 2008. My slave and I are married, monogamous, and committed to each other. My relationship with my slave is based on mutual love, respect, and frankly fun. Race Bannon has said "if you are not having fun then you are doing it wrong." We are having lots of fun so we must be doing something right! My slave is an intelligent (BS in Mathematics actually), and strong women who chooses to put her power into my service and, perhaps seemingly paradoxically as she is my submissive, my equal. She is my slave, my wife, my best friend, and my only lover. I respect her for her ability to submit and truly believe that it takes more strength to submit then to dominate. She follows, but not blindly.

Organizations
Masters and Slaves Together - Marysville (Washington) (founding director) MAsT International - Assistant Northwest Regional Representative 2015, Regional Representtive 2016 BDSM Writers Workshop (April 2016) http://bdsmwriterscon.com/

Publications
My essays are on Fetlife under BrianR (https://fetlife.com/users/9389/posts)

Education/Credentials
Engineer (however this probably should be under the category "barriers your slave has overcome")

Awards and Honors
With my lovely slave we were Northwest Master and slave 2013

Past/Present Clients
With my slave I have presented at national and international events since 2013. While we enjoy presenting at national events, we find more satisfaction in talking with small groups from Boise ID to Singapore and Hong Kong. Our list of classes is available at

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.