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BDSM/I think I might be a submissive

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Question
I think I might be a submissive. I have always been one who turns submissive to someone who is has a more dominant personality. In everyday life I am rather shy and I love getting praised. I hate being in charge and like it when my partner is the one to take charge in or out of the bedroom. I have only been in one relationship where we had sex and I liked it when it got rough but didn't know how to express how much I liked it and it was generally the only time I felt something other than mild pleasure. I don't know how to tell if I should look for a Dom or if I just like it rough and how to tell my future partner after I get an answer.

Answer
Hi, Caroline, thanks for writing...

Summary answer:  If you think you are a submissive then you are a submissive.

Submissive is a word that describes your "way of being" but it is also a word that describes your "role in a relationship" as does the word "dominant."

Sometimes, someone with a dominant "way of being" decides to live a submissive or subordinate role in a relationship.  While they are dominant and are perfectly able and willing to make decisions, they have decided to give that power (Power Exchange) to their partner because for any number of personal reasons (for example, they may believe their partner actually makes better decisions for their life then they do or can).

Now, rough sex may or may not have a power-imbalance component.  Rough sex and submissive do not necessarily go hand-in-hand.

"Rough sex" means different things for different people. So, what was it about the rough sex that you liked?  Was it the things that were being done to you or was it the emotional place that you went?  Meaning, did you like the physical acts or the submissive feelings this person triggered in you?

For some, the feeling of submission (the thought that you are doing something for someone that makes them happy whether or not it actually makes you happy: you are happy because they are happy) is a strong component of their "way of being" in the world.  For others, the feeling that they have given another power over their needs is what makes them happy in their submission.

Whether you decide it is the submission or the rough sex you were attracted to, I will caution you to learn more about both before entering into a relationship that has these components.  By learning you are able to make good decisions and make the decisions that will keep you both physically and psychologically safe.

Also, once you are educated about your needs you are going to be well prepared to be able to discuss your needs and to make sure that you are choosing a partner who is able to properly care for you.

While I don't want to get a reputation for "pimping our own books," I can't think of any books that would serve you better than our two BDSM Mastery books. One is on the "basics" and the other is on D/s relationships.  You can get to the Amazon links from our website: www.Kinkmastery.com

Wishing you well,

Bob and Jen (who wrote out most of this reply. I thought you needed a woman's perspective.)

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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