BDSM/Need a Vanilla husband to Dom
So we have been married for almost 18 years, I have always felt like something was missing, but lived a fake boring life because what I wanted was 'wrong' I'm getting older and frankly I just dont care about the 'wrong' meter anymore. I have expressed this to my vanilla husband who assures me 'yea I can step up' but it has been months and he only does the bare minimum and only for 3-4 very scenes- I am looking for a 24/7.
What can I do/not do to entice and encourage him to take on the role I am needing him to? I will not sacrifice my marriage, so I am stuck with him, but I am suffocating in my boredom.
Hi CC - sorry for the delay.
Very interesting question! I assume (perhaps incorrectly so please do correct me if I guess wrong) that you want him to be the dominant which would allow you to be his submissive. (I have friends who have been married 35 years before they realized he wanted her to be the dom and not he.)
There is an old phrase, trite but unfortunately in my experience true, "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."
Couple of things working against you.
(1) Age (guys slow down, get slower, and sometimes stop)
(2) Familiarity - you are familiar, comfortable, a known.
(3) Madonna/whore - syndrome. He may not have the capability to do to you what he might want to
do to a stranger.
Research Recommendation: Esther Perel. Book "Mating in Captivity" also YouTube and TED talks. Google her name.
You will hear her say things like "We want what we don't have. We want mystery, eroticism, the unknown. But at the same time our partner gives us familiarity, comfort, the known." She is a therapist who deals primarily with couples who are in crisis because of infidelity; often because the husband wants what the mother of his children will not give him - even though she would willingly if he were to ask.
Then there are cultural barriers. My first wife came to me with scarves, tie me up she asked. My reaction was "I'm not a pervert." It was many years before I could see the courage it took her, and the magnitude of my disrespect for her in my reaction. It was only in finding a women who would become my girlfriend, then my wife, then my submissive, in hearing her story of what she was willing to do for her ex, did willingly, even though he did not return her service with respect, that I understood. Her needs, and mine. Her's to follow, to provide service, mine to be the best (and strongest) leader I could be; in all aspects of our lives.
That was a journey of decades. To see beyond my cultural conditioning of "equality in all things" to see "there is a need for a leader, and a need for a follower; and that can be done with respect."
She wanted, I was unwilling. Actually this is common in many couples I talk with; the one who feels submissive is wanting to pull another into being a dominant. Better start I think then the dominant pushing themselves onto an unwilling partner - that's abusive.
The BDSM world is varied, with currents which can pull couples together, or pull them apart. It is also, perhaps not unexpectedly, that one person is attracted to kink and the other not. I've seen this from both men and women; "my partner has no interest in this." So they take steps to join the community, but here is the crucial thing - they do so with the knowledge and consent of their uninterested partner. Between partners there can be an understanding on limits - "you can play in the dungeon, but no sex" might be such an agreement.
There are also books and movies you could explore together. For example - "15 Great Films that Explore SM Desire" (http://www.tasteofcinema.com/2015/15-great-films-that-explore-sadomasochistic-de
) (mixed bag, many are foreign with subtitles so require "engagement" to watch). I could recommend some books which, if you read and resonate with, you could give to him with a simple "I like this book".
Not easy breaking the habits which have been built up. Create a fantasy experience "I have arranged for us to have a house to ourselves, all to ourselves, for the weekend. I will be your slave, you will be my master, do with me what you want." We, eventhough we identify as Master/slave, do this still. It is our time together; we create the erotic energy of anticipation, of using the greatest sex organ we have - our own imagination.
Before you were married he thought of you one way. After you were married, he thought of you as another. After kids, things changed. He changed, you changed, this is how we deal with life. It is a positive that you both changed to accommodate what life required; now there is an opportunity to change again. Let the tiger loose, allow yourself to free yourself, to no longer mate in captivity.
Be well, I wish you strength in your journey!
Please feel free to get back with my if you have questions; and I hope I have created an opportunity for lots of questions :)