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Question
My wife and I have been married for 19 years and have a very healthy marriage.  We recently started playing around sexually with the idea of her taking a dominant role in the bedroom.  She is already much more dominant outside of the bedroom which works well for both of us.  The issue is she feels many of the "ideas" we discuss are abusive to me and she isn't comfortable with them.  I am not really turned on by the idea of her wailing on me with a belt or other instrument.  Light spankings and such are nice but I am really not wanting her to "beat" me.  I am much more interested in serving and worshiping her and humiliation or orgasm control type things.  I would be very open to try anything she wanted and would just love for her to find something she liked.  I have tried suggesting things like scenes possibilities, even made a game with different cards trying to cover a lot of different types of things hoping if she tried them she might find something that she liked.  She claims she has no fantasies and doesn't share much about what turns her on.  My fear is two fold, one in order to continue to explore we will run into a situation where I am "Topping from the bottom" or she will just get frustrated and want to bail on the entire thing.  She has read a couple of the beginner female domination books that are highly recommended by these type of sites but still she isn't comfortable.  I am begging you please any help to get her to at least try more things?

Answer
Dear Charles

First congratulation on the longevity of your relationship its rare these days..

I have read your note and have give it a little bit more thought before i answered.

It has been my experience that there is usually one person in the relationship a wee bit more interested and motivated than the other to explore D/s
And there are a lot of couples out there that are not into BDSM Per say but who enjoy the dominance and submission aspect of it. It is also common for one partner to be resistant to the role of dominant , as i see it because it is not something that is culturally accepted.

Remember my friend two main things..( and maybe this is not what you wish to here) One.. everything you do together must be consensual. This includes the dominant as well and two the world of Dominance and submission is a wonderful one filled with many new and wonderful possibilities, however, it is a journey you both have agreed to explore together. This means you may have to consider slowing down just a little and make it more emotionally safer for her to explore her dominant side. It is also helpful if you explore your submissive side through deference and service without expectation of a pay off..( not to say that is what you are doing ) save the SM type stuff for when she is feeling more secure that what she is doing is not related to what she might perceive as abusive. Another words, do this together at a pace that is comfortable for both of you..


Some other ideas are to join a social media site called FETLIFE.com.. I usually don't recommend this site as being the gospel concerning D/s or SM but it does have its value in exploring some alternative approaches to D/s. It is also a great way to connect with others in real time. You can search your state region and even towns close by for gatherings, groups and organizations. All usually have some educational component to them and all give you and your wife a chance to meet real time folks that life this lifestyle in a way that is healthy and fulfilling.. Not abusive..

Take your time.... "right is better than right now"

Best of luck my friend

slave ziggy

BDSM

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ziggy ziegler

Expertise

I am available to answer questions pertaining to the Master slave dynamic. The slaves journey into submission, mentorship, service,leather lifestyle, household management, and training. My life's focus is assisting individuals to realized their fullest potential through self awareness.

Experience

I am a 51 year old female slave who has been part of the BDSM/M/s lifestyle since 1983. I have had the distinct privilege of sharing my perspective on the M/s dynamic throughout the US and Canada. I am the owner and producer of ABR Events an authority based relationship organization that provides quality education concerning power dynamic relationships of all kinds, including that of M/s. It is also a honor and privilege to be owned property for the past 13 years. I bring to the table no only my concepts on mastery and slavery but also real time experience.

Organizations
TES MAST ROCHESTER NY (Director) MAsT national ABR Events ( Owner/producer)

Publications
Slave quarters: "The mind body spirit of consensual slavery" Art of slavery Tryscilian society

Education/Credentials
Aside from learning from lifes experiences i have a BA in psychology and a masters in socialogy. i have studied gender and human sexuality in an ever changing world.

Awards and Honors
Southeast slave 2006 International slave 2006

Past/Present Clients
Masters and slaves

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