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Hello Mr.Martin. I guess I'll just get right to it. I'm not that great at talking to people about these types of things. Ok I'm 21 and have been in a serious relationship with the same man for 5 years. Well he considers himself a Dom, but in reality I don't think he understands what it means and what I want out of being in a M/s relationship. I feel like I need it, the control and pain that comes with some play. We haven't tried anything extreme to BDSM. And that's something I want to do. I just don't think He knows how deep I need this type of relationship and sexlife. So my question is how do I tell him I need more or should I try to more on and find a Dom that I serious. Thank you for your time Mr.Martin

Answer
Briana -

I can tell how frustrated you are.  The simple answer is you need to talk.  M/s is a very personal thing.  You describe your needs as "control and pain" and wanting "extreme" BDSM.  That's fine those are your needs.  But for others, M/s is about service, or obedience -- and doesn't include any sex or BDSM.  

There isn't a "right" way.  However, there is a right way for you.  The only way you will get that is by communicating -- whether with your current partner (whom I assume deserves the first shot) or a future partner.  

But the first step really starts with yourself:  what are your needs in an M/s relationship?  What would your daily life look like?  How extensive is the control?  Over what aspects of your life?  How constant? Once you have a clear sense of what you want, talk with him.  Rather than framing it as "you aren't a good Master" or "you don't do X" let him know that you've been thinking about your relationship needs and want to share that with him to see whether those needs can be met.  No "you must;" no ultimatums.  

I'd also encourage both of you to get more engaged in the M/s community.  That will both provide you with other examples to M/s that you can pick and choose from for things you like, as well as a support system.  In Maryland there are a number of Master and slave Together chapters that you should explore.  Also, Maryland hosts the Master slave Conference over Labor Day weekend.

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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