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BDSM/Sub/Dom married relationship questions

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Hello, I recently married my awesome partner last month. We have been together for 3 years and have a great dynamic between us. I have always been the sub in this and previous relationships. We were recently having a candid conversation about kinks we never revealed to each other before and he relayed to me that he wants me to be the dominant one and engage in some humiliation play. I am all about giving it a try but really have no idea how to be a Dom. He also has told me that he likes soemthing that I am not sure what it's called, which makes me feel kind of dumb. He likes it when a girl has to urinate and is denied. He likes the control of it and wants to reverse roles and be the one that has to go and have me deny him. I am not sure how to go about trying this out but I am up for an introduction to see where it all goes. I guess it all comes down to a lack of confidence from me and also a lack of knowledge. And help you can give I will greatly appreciate.

Answer
Melissa -

No matter how scary or unnerving things might be, keep in mind how you started this:  "I have an awesome partner."  Relationship models and dynamics can vary and challenges can emerge, but that shared admiration and love is a great foundation to build upon.

the other great foundational tool is communication - so congratulations for sharing your interests and fantasies with each other.  Continue that.  One topic that might be useful is to discuss what each of you mean by "Dom" and "sub."  Is it roles during kinky play, or is it a relationship structure.  If it's the bedroom dynamic, it might be easier for you to "Top" (do things to him) by thinking of it as service rather than being in control.  But regardless of terms, if the activities are something you just can't get comfortable with, then you'll need to talk more about options (could you bring someone else in to play with him or both of you, realizing that it need not be sexual or a "relationship" as one option).

As to knowing how to do various activities, the best solution is for you to research - together.  By doing it together you'll be able to ask each other lots of questions ("is this what you were thinking of?", "are you comfortable with that?" as well as share information "that looks more painful than I realized", or "I'm not sure I could do that to you, but what about this?").  For finding the information, there are plenty of resources for kinky play.  There are websites (kink university; FetLife) with various resource; youtube videos; books (S&M 101), and real-time classes, workshops and conferences.  

A few caveats to consider:

1) Just because someone says "here is how you do something" doesn't automatically mean it is right, safe, or the only way.  Use multiple resources and listen to your gut

2) If possible, in-person education is best.  You can ask questions and get immediate answers, see first hand how things are done, and meet other local people that share your interests

3) Safety is of paramount importance.  Don't try things until you feel comfortable in your skills, know the risks, and are prepared for potential problems

And most importantly……enjoy!

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Ben Martin

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Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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