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BDSM/Confused/ embarrassed - how to bdsm??

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Question
So before I ask my question, let me give you some back story, I'm 23, a church mouse and have the sex education of a 12y/o. I was SO painfully shy with low self esteem in highschool, that I never really got to have those teen years of sexual exploration.  I was also severely Phiscally abused until I was 17. My beloved boyfriend is also 23 and very much the opposite. There is nothing I can say I've done that he hasn't!  we have been together for almost a year, I NEVER knew about any of his sexual tendencies (prostate massages,choking,flogging and the list goes on ). He likes to be (what I'm assuming is called) a slave, and likes to be rough in retun sometimes. He mostly like to be told what to do, and likes pain.
Sex is a HUGE no no in my family, and I don't exactly want to "out" my boyfriend to his/my friends and family by asking anyone about it.
I've tried the save word thing, it doesn't always work, I end up with bruises, and dislocated limbs( double jointed, not that big a deal happens all the time). I have been choked to the point of panic attacks, no bruises , just can't handle it. I am also REALLY unsure how to please him, without going totally out of my comfort zone and feeling awkward instead sensual.
My question(s)
How can I ease myself into this new "style"  and what are the basics and techniques of bdsm? Is there like a handbook for this?!
I've tried reading blogs and articles, it's mostly porn, and housewives talking about how to mentally outside the bedroom dominant your s/o, not exactly what I'm looking for .

Answer
Hi, Cherry,

It sounds like your boyfriend likes to switch, that is, be dominant sometimes and be submissive sometimes. He wants you to do the same, and you're agreeable to that. I can give you some resources that will help you learn and, I hope, be comfortable with both roles. First, though, some things in your message jumped out at me and I want to note them for you.

Much respect to you as a survivor of abuse. You've had obstacles to overcome and I hope you've had help and support along the way. Please just be aware that your past experiences may have an effect on how your present choices. Sometimes even a bad situation may seem acceptable because it's familiar. You need to be sure you're making choices because these are things you want and not because of someone else's influence. Also, BDSM is not therapy. If you find there are issues you need to work out, that should happen in a professional setting with a counselor.

The other thing that stood out to me is the failure of the safe word and the fact that you've had both physical and emotional problems after BDSM play. You didn't say why the safe word didn't work, so I can only guess that your boyfriend failed to respect it. For many, that would be a deal breaker. At the very least, it calls for serious discussion. BDSM is supposed to be safe, sane and consensual. For people who use a safeword, not honoring it is none of those things. The fact that the situation resulted in bruises and panic attacks is also cause for concern. Your boyfriend may be trying to play at a level he doesn't have the skill to handle. If that's the case, the two of you can learn together. In the meantime, don't engage in any activities where you don't feel safe or that you're not enjoying. BDSM is supposed to be fulfilling for all partners.

Your question was about learning more about BDSM, the techniques and figuring out how it fits into your life. I have some resources that I like to recommend, especially to newcomers. Here are some I think will help you.

Links:
Although I don't agree with everything here, I haven't found a better and more comprehensive site than this one, so start with: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html

For additional information and different perspectives:
http://www.informedconsent.co.uk
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/artofsm.shtml

Books:
I highly recommend this one to start - Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It explains both the relationship aspects of BDSM as well as the technical ones.

You could probably get by with just reading that one but, if you find your interest and curiosity growing, consider the following books:
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools by Guy Baldwin

These are mostly older items, written by people who have been practicing real life BDSM for a long time. I suggest them for just that reason. As you've discovered, if you try to learn from some of the sites dedicated to professional domination or fantasy role play you'll get more misinformation than help.

There's a lot you can do on your own, but the best resources are experienced people. If you decide that BDSM fits into your life well, you'll benefit from interacting with BDSM people in real life. To find a group near you, do a search for "BDSM support groups" or visit the FetLife site and look for something in your area. Some groups are online only. It's best to get involved with one that has an offline component, to be sure it's not devoted to just online roleplaying.

Let me emphasize that you have to do only what you're comfortable doing and what excites you. Look at the resources and decide what appeals to you. Then take things slowly, talk and negotiate, be honest about your boundaries and expect them to be respected. A BDSM relationship is a relationship first and a power exchange second.

All the best to you as you begin this exciting exploration.

Mistress Violette

BDSM

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Mistress Violette

Expertise

I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.

Experience

Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.

Education/Credentials
My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.

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