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BDSM/feeling confused n wanting more

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I have been married to husband 2years but together 10 years.and slowly opened up that I enjoy being collared, spanked, bitten, treated like a pet ect. My question is I want more of him being domate to me in the bedroom he only doses it when I ask n after asking n asking you think he would guess what I want by now. Also he doesn't show much interested in the master/ slave idea when I show him I would like him to get me a collar or things like that. It makes me frustrated that though I adore him to a point of worship n he can do no wrong in my eyes
He doesn't seem to understand that I need this in my life .I get bored with the same rutine in the bed room to the point where I sometimes will play a game in my head to bet my self saying"oh I bet you"me"5bucks he wants me on top to start off again " n sure enough I win yeea me... How do I get him to understand I need things to spicy up the way I like n he will enjoy too
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Answer
Hi Wolf Lover

In my experience it is common for the submissive to "pull" the dominant. I think this may be cultural as what you want, need, desire is counter cultural to how men are expected to act. I get "the looks" when we are out in public and it becomes evident that we live a life what is based on my authority over her. We kind of find this amusing and will sometimes "ramp it up" a bit to tweak their noses :)  The point is that it took me some time to move away from forcing my relationships into egalitarian. I thought that was "normal". Well for some it is, but for me, and my wife, it's not. This was a personal journey to getting to where I could accept myself and how I wanted to treat my partner.

But, and I think this is an important but, I have always been "authoritative". For a long time my personal motto was "Lead, Follow, or Get the Hell Out of the Way". (In retrospect I think that I was also insufferably arrogant but that's a different discussion). You can't "make" a dominant you can ouly let them out of their cage.

"... after asking n asking you think he would guess what I want by now." Nope, guys can be amazingly dense! :)

"How do I get him to understand I need things to spicy up the way I like n he will enjoy too?" The basis of BDSM is communication. Talk, not in the bedroom but someplace emotionally "neutral".  Complete a BDSM checklist (such as http://latches.webslave.com/checklist.htm) and give it to him. And then ask him to complete one as well. To me, this is the "blessing" of BDSM, it gives us permission to talk about those things which excite us, or even complete us.

I would recommend being careful about advocating a D/s (or M/s) relationship until he is more on-board with the whole notion that it is OK to tell you what to do, and how to do it :)  A book I frequently recommend is "Dominance & submission, the BDSM Relationship Handbook" by George Makai. I would recommend that you get it, read it, and leave it out so that he can read it also. Then you can open The Conversation :)

Many years ago my first wife came to me with scarves and asked to be tied up. My reaction was something along the lines of "Hell no, I'm not a pervert." But, in my defense, she hadn't thought of getting me on board before she made this request. I respect (now at least) the courage that it took her to do this, but it was so far away from what I thought I was I literally "couldn't handle it." In my ignorance, and arrogance, I ruined a true slave.

It's not easy opening this dialog but it's necessary I think. I read a deep frustration in your post and if that doesn't get resolved it will only get worse.  

Another book I recommend for married folks is "Mating in Captivity" by Ester Perel. (You can see a TED Talk at https://www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_the_secret_to_desire_in_a_long_term_relationship?language=en) She is a couples counselor who deals with couples who are working through cheating. A question she talks about in her book is "Why are men willing to do things to a lover that they are not willing to do with their wife?" (commonly called Madona/whore).

You may not want to, but for a while you need to leave him enough cookie crumbs so that he goes where you want him to be.

Another option might be to actually explore the local BDSM community. A "munch" is a gathering of kinky people in, typically, a vanilla restaurant or bar for the purpose of socializing and meeting other kinky folks. It takes some amount of courage to go to your first one because is is, in a way, coming out publicly as having "dark and secret desires" which, once you meet folks, are actually quite common. From my first munch (almost 10 years ago now) I found my way to a local Dominants Support Group and there I found out that I was normal afterall :).  Try http://fetlife.com. Once you have an account in the top bar there is an Events tab, and then you will see a "near me" tab.

You are not alone in your desires.

Regards, Good Luck, and follow up questions welcome.

BDSM

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BrianR

Expertise

I will answer questions related to long term Master/slave relationships.

Experience

We have been married since 2007, and I collared her on November 1, 2008. My slave and I are married, monogamous, and committed to each other. My relationship with my slave is based on mutual love, respect, and frankly fun. Race Bannon has said "if you are not having fun then you are doing it wrong." We are having lots of fun so we must be doing something right! My slave is an intelligent (BS in Mathematics actually), and strong women who chooses to put her power into my service and, perhaps seemingly paradoxically as she is my submissive, my equal. She is my slave, my wife, my best friend, and my only lover. I respect her for her ability to submit and truly believe that it takes more strength to submit then to dominate. She follows, but not blindly.

Organizations
Masters and Slaves Together - Marysville (Washington) (founding director) MAsT International - Assistant Northwest Regional Representative 2015, Regional Representtive 2016 BDSM Writers Workshop (April 2016) http://bdsmwriterscon.com/

Publications
My essays are on Fetlife under BrianR (https://fetlife.com/users/9389/posts)

Education/Credentials
Engineer (however this probably should be under the category "barriers your slave has overcome")

Awards and Honors
With my lovely slave we were Northwest Master and slave 2013

Past/Present Clients
With my slave I have presented at national and international events since 2013. While we enjoy presenting at national events, we find more satisfaction in talking with small groups from Boise ID to Singapore and Hong Kong. Our list of classes is available at

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