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Question
Hi,
I want to enter the BDSM community activly as I practiced self-bondage for a good year now and I would like to be a sub, but I don't know where to start. I am trying to find a master/dom but it is rather hard considering my area doesn't have any BDSM organisation or community. I tried to check online services to find masters in my area, but sadly, they were very few, they weren't of my orientation, were looking for a 24/7 slave (which I can't fulfill) or seemed to not considarate subs way too much (They consider subs more as throwable objects than humans). I sadly don't know what options there are left to find a master. I would like to find one that is dominant yet respectful, which seemed rare in my area. Are there any options left to find a master/dom? Or should I forget about the idea of getting into it?

Thank you in advance.

Answer
Wow!

You are very articulate.  That's rare. And you are French?

At the risk of sounding self-serving, you really will want to purchase our two books: BDSM Mastery--Basics and BDSM Mastery--Relationships.  You can find them on www.KinkMastery.com

Now: the first book will give you the hints and helps to enter this community and about the same knowledge-base as someone would have after being in the BDSM public scene for about five years.  The second book will protect you from inappropriate or overly-dominant people and teach you how to interact within a relationship.

I'm an educational sociologist by training -- and a policy analyst. I make a distinction between a culture and a sub-culture.  BDSM is a culture. Dress, speech, point-of-view and assumptions are all different than in the mainstream culture.

Now to the root of your issue. Are you looking for a dominant play partner or a relationship with a dominant?  The people who speak with you about 24/7 are looking for a relationship.  The people who "consider subs as temporary playthings who can be thrown away tend to be looking for a specific type of relationship where they have a partner who also thinks this is a good idea.  You can also find play partners who incorporate a specific flavor of power-imbalance into their play (Daddy/girl; Owner/pet; Master/slave, etc).

What all of this means is - I completely understand you. I'm a "dominant man in service" in my slave role to my very dominant (female and 20 years younger than me, 5'7" HWP blonde)partner, Jen.  It took me some time to find someone whose kink and vision of a power-imbalanced relationship allowed me to feel safe enough to be a slave in service.

If I may rephrase this: You may be looking for a dominant Master who recognizes your worth and feels the relationship is one of equals filling different roles.

If this is right, you're looking in the wrong culture.  The BDSM culture doesn't support that model. You'll want to check out the Master/slave culture.  For that, I'd send you ONLY to our first book, Master/slave Mastery--Basics, which gives you the bones to enter in a power-imbalanced relationship.  You'll make no sense out of the second book in that series until you've served as Master or slave for about five years. By the way, another book suggestion would be: "Ask the Man who Owns Him: the real lives of gay Masters and slaves" by david stein (who, by the way, is the actual person who came up with the phrase: "Safe, Sane and Consensual.")

After my book(s) and slave david's book, I'd recommend you get a copy of Raven Kaldera's book: Paradigms of Power: Styles of Master/slave relationships." It will show you the scope of the M/s "playing field."

Don't give up on your search.  The right person is out there and right now looking for you.  What are you doing to be the person they want?

Your next concern is that you believe that your area doesn't have any BDSM organizations near you.  Well, I would have thought that, too. So, I went on to www.Fetlife.com (a free site... it is "Facebook" for kinky people." Look what I found when I put in "Auvergne" in the GROUPS search page:


Auvergne BDSM (112 members)

Discussions, bonnes adresses, rencontres et sorties entre adorateurs du BDSM, fétichistes, latex, vinyle, gay, lesbien, bi, travesti et créature... Parce qu'en Auvergne, on ne fait pas qu'aimer le fromage !

+++

Auvergne fétichiste (30 members)

Groupe pour tous les auvergnats fétichistes du latex, s'il y en a ... Au sommaire, discussions, rencontres, sorties, resto, etc ! Ouverts aux hommes, aux femmes, aux gays, lesbiennes, straight, domi, slave, just fetish, etc.


Whether you are able to attend these groups or not, you will be able to contact the group leader and open a discussion about the group and the community and decide if you feel comfortable moving forward in your search.

By the way... on Fetlife, when you put "Auvergne" in the search title generally (as opposed in the "groups" page, you come up with a LOT of people.  

However, this is predominantly a straight site. Not 100%, but probably 90%. But... I suspect that you'll be able to approach one or more local people and ask how to find like-minded people.

Hope this helps...

Bob and Jen (who contributed quite a bit to this reply.



+++++

I just thought of something to add...

While you are in the process of finding a Dominant partner, you might consider learning those skills and protocols and interests that would ATTRACT the kind of person you're looking for. How do you dress? How are your table manners?  (I realize that both are likely to be outstanding or you wouldn't write as you do, but I'm just giving examples.)

That's it: Prepare to be the perfect partner for the person of your dreams.

Bob  

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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