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BDSM/Need help determining what category I fall into.

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Question
My boyfriend is curious about all my fetishes and whatnot and I started trying to figure out more specifics of my BDSM fetish because he isn't very experienced and I want to explain it the best possible way. I'm a submissive but I'm more rebellious and I don't particularly enjoy humiliation or pain or anything like that so I'm not entirely sure if I'm even considered a submissive. I become aggressive but I love the dominance of my partner. I also wear a collar and let him hold my leash and give me commands but I end up rebelling until I make him aggressive too and then I'm willing to obey. I read about a "tame me submissive" and I thought that could be me but I kinda need a bit more info in order to be sure. Is that actually a type? I can't find any straight forward answers to any of my questions and I've just been left with even more questions. Can you help clarify some stuff please? Thank you for your time.

Answer
Hi, Ellie,

It's not just you. I think the reason lots of people find certain terms confusing is because people are trying to label the wrong thing. Submission and dominance aren't a cluster of activities as much as they're a way of thinking. Trying to define submission as wearing a collar or obeying without question can't work, any more than defining dominance as being good with a flogger can. After all, some dominants like to wear collars and some submissives are skilled at throwing a flogger. Both people and BDSM are too complex to fall into tidy little boxes.

For the moment, don't worry about what you like to do. Instead, focus on what about the power exchange of BDSM gives you satisfaction. In general, a submissive's pleasure and goal is to be controlled by, and to please, her dominant. That's it. Again, it's not what she does that makes someone a submissive, it's how she thinks. Pain play, wearing of collars, obeying commands are products of her submission, they're not submission itself.

If you give it some thought and decide that, yes, you're submissive in the sense I've described, then it isn't that you need to be tamed. It sounds like past partners may not have earned the trust and respect it takes for someone to be able to submit. If that's the case, now that you know this you can structure your relationship, and your BDSM, so that you can feel safe in giving up control.

I say "if," because there is another possibility. Not everyone who does BDSM type things is interested in the power exchange that is at the heart of BDSM. Some people like control that's structured and temporary. For instance, a submissive might agree to engage in only certain specific activities and for a limited amount of time. In that case, being an aggressive sub could be part of the play she enjoys. If she and her partner both understand and agree to this, there's no reason it can't be a fulfilling arrangement.

Try figuring out what draws you to BDSM and what you want to get out of it. Once you have a handle on that, it should be easier to explain to your boyfriend. It's even ok to forget about labels and just talk about what you like and want. If you encourage him to do the same, it's likely you'll find some kind of common ground, even if it's not exactly what you were expecting!

I wish the best to both of you.

Mistress Violette  

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Mistress Violette

Expertise

I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.

Experience

Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.

Education/Credentials
My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.

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