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BDSM/A platonic D/s relationship

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Hello Mistress Violette,

I enjoyed reading a few of your responses to others as well as your bio. I thought you might be able to help me out. I am a 28 year old submissive female and my first D/s relationship took me by surprise, as in, I didn't realize how head over heels in love I would be with it. I felt like I've always 'been' submissive but never really properly acknowledged it until I stepped into the role. Unfortunately, the woman I was submitting to wasn't safe nor was the man she was submitting to (she was a switch) and due to my first-time trying frenzy I wasn't able to see things well and things took a non-SSC turn. I've left that relationship and all of that happened about 4 years ago. I've come a long way and healed so much since then. I am finding myself not needing as many safety boundaries as I used to. For example, my first time playing *had* to be gentle and *had* to have tons of extra aftercare, but over the years I'm finding myself to feel more healed and confident in taking care of myself again.
Now I am talking to a Domme and though things are going slow and we are taking our time getting to know one another, there is a definite potential interest on both sides and it has me thinking because she seeks a female submissive, but is not actively seeking being romantic with a woman since she is married to a sub man. Similar to what I said before, in the past I was convinced I *had* to be a submissive to someone I was romantically involved with... but now, I can't help but be curious and incredibly intrigued about being a platonic-type of D/s relationship.

So what I want to ask is this: Have you had platonic submissives in the past? How did work? Aside from trying it out, how do I know if the platonic route will be okay for me? How often do those type of relationships work and how? Any advice on how to go about this new area for me, safely?

Any and all advice will be appreciated. Thank You in advance.

-Becca

Answer
Hi, Becca,

Thank you for the nice compliment! Let me see if I can be of help to you.

I'll cut to the chase on this answer: Yes, there are platonic BDSM relationships and they work very well. In fact, when I was first learning about BDSM, people expected to have platonic relationships and hoped for romantic ones. Think about it. It's been theorized that 10 to 20 percent of the population is BDSM, so that's a limit on the pool of eligibles for romantic relationships. Then you screen out all those who aren't the right sex for you, further limiting the pool. And then you eliminate all of those who aren't the right BDSM orientation for you. It's actually a wonder there are as many romantic BDSM partnerships as there are.

A "platonic BDSM relationship" is really just a BDSM relationship. I've had happy, satisfying relationships with both male and female subs, although I'm married and straight. I've had relationships with subs who were married to vanilla women. The wives were comfortable with the situation because they understood there was no threat to the marriage. Like any other relationship, BDSM can be warm, caring, affectionate and fulfilling without being romantic. The power exchange works the same whether the partners are friends or lovers.

Here are a few ideas to help you put things in perspective. First, in a BDSM relationship the emphasis is on the relationship first and the BDSM second. Second, while BDSM can be very sexy, it's not sex; it's about power. Third, BDSM is intense and sometimes people mistake the intensity for intimacy. Put all those things together and I think you can see how people expect BDSM to be about love and also why it doesn't have to be.

When you enter a BDSM relationship, you're exploring power exchange, not love. If romance happens, that can be a bonus, but it's not the foundation of the relationship. In your life I imagine you've had relationships that never led to love, but were gratifying and valuable to you nonetheless. What you're proposing to do now is the same, only you're adding BDSM to the mix.

Now that you know that what we're talking about is simply a relationship, you'll also know there's no way to tell for sure if any relationship is going to work out. You're going in the right direction by going slow and being open to a new situation. You seem to know yourself well, so your best bet is to listen to your gut. If a step feels right, take it. If you're not comfortable, don't hesitate to pull back. The fact that you're submissive doesn't mean you can't look out for yourself and your safety. You can say no and you can negotiate. The respect has to go both ways.

It sounds like you've come a long way in four years. I'm impressed by your strength and I think your intelligence has served you well. In terms of safety, I think that's your greatest tool. Don't be afraid to analyze and to think critically about your safety and to express any concerns. On the relationship front, my sense is you were overthinking it a bit, because you didn't have some pertinent information. I hope I've given you that and you'll have a positive outcome no matter what you ultimately do about this new relationship.

Mistress Violette

BDSM

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Mistress Violette

Expertise

I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.

Experience

Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.

Education/Credentials
My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.

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