You are here:

BDSM/Thinking on BDSM

Advertisement


Question
Hello Ms. or Mrs. Noir, I don't know if you're married. I'm a 22 year old, female. I'm trying to decide if trying BDSM is right for me. I don't like jumping into things blind. I hate absolution, so when I have choices, I tend to examine them, over, and over, and then I get so anxious about what choice to make, because I'm scared to make the wrong one.

The difficulty here lies in the fact that I know I'm submissive in a sexual sense, but I'm not sure if being sexually, submissive automatically equates into being a sub/pet/slave etc.

For example I despise terms that imply power over another. Equality is very, important to me. Therefore terms like master/slave, dom/sub, owner/pet etc I'm against all of it.

2. I don't like being told what to do, and I see BDSM articles on like how a good "sub" obeys their dom. This goes in accordance with the above. If equality is big to me, then taking orders is something, I'm not cool with.

3. If I had a "dom" and they tried to "discipline" me. I'd want to stab them. I would never, actually do that. I'm just saying I'd want to.

Now sexually speaking, I do want to please my partner. I put their pleasure above my own.

I'm sorry, I kind of ended up rambling. I guess the question at it's most simple is what I asked earlier; "Does being sexually submissive, equate into BDSM?"

Too many variables are paralyzing me.

I would appreciate any insight, and advice.

Please and thank you.

Answer
Hello Sandra

Thanks for explaining your situation. I think you inadvertently answered your own question. Clearly you have proven that you aren't necessarily a submissive just because you're sexually submissive. The two are not linked.

I don't think you should attempt BDSM if you are adverse to the core dynamics of what it represents. People do practice BDSM however they like but generally speaking if someone identifies as a sub, a dominant will want to take control of them with permission in various ways. If the idea of power exchange bothers you I would avoid it. I'm not saying that you wouldn't be able to find someone who would practice a form of BDSM that you'd be comfortable with but I do think it might be a difficult find. You might even try looking for some more information on the aspects you do enjoy and go from there.

If you're curious about being sexually submissive with someone I think you'll be able to experience that without BDSM being a part of it. Just do what feels natural with a partner and see where it leads you.

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Natali Noir

Expertise

I can answer questions related to Mistresses/Dommes and their relationships with subs and slaves. I can answer questions about different fetishes, give advice, explain BDSM and dungeon etiquette or just explain overall BDSM practices and protocols as I've learned. I can also help with creative ideas related to kinky scenes, role-plays, punishments, or rewards.

Experience

I've been into BDSM for about 10 years and I've a Mistress for 8 years and have had my fair share of subs and slaves. I have experience with what it's like to be on both sides of the paddle.

Organizations
I'm part of the local TNG and Black Rose, and several FemDom groups. I also frequent the BDSM clubs and parties in the surrounding areas.

Publications
www.mundanetoms.blogspot.com

Education/Credentials
I have no educational credentials in this area, only years of firsthand experience and knowledge gained through reading, workshops, and listening to ideas from other individuals I deem more experienced in certain BDSM areas.

Awards and Honors
I write my own blog.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.