BDSM/beat up, loved it and confused
Hi! If I may please, I'll tell you last night's events and after I will ask you the question.
I posted an ad for someone to come and piss on me, a guy replied and after talking we figured out that I didn't just want the pissing but the bullying aspect of pissing as well. Like being in high school and being beat down by the bully, spat on, abused and eventually pissed on. Even though I was never a macho alpha at school I was never really bullied badly, but the idea of him bullying me was just too hot to resist.
He said he's straight and his wife and girlfriend get off on him dominating smaller younger guys.
So he came into my apartment, we talked a little bit about limits and making things clear and then he got down to business. I was NOT prepared for what was about to happen. He choked me, punched, slapped me, kicked me, verbally abused me, put me in choke holds and hit me in every way imaginable. The funny part is that he works with an organization that tries to prevent bullying at schools, so he knew exactly what he was doing.
I had never done something like this so the only point of reference I had was hardcore BDSM porn but this felt so much more intense, it was real, absolutely no pretending, role playing or acting. When he was punching me he was really punching me without holding back (and it fucking hurt and winded me) and his slaps would knock me down to the ground. When I wouldn't do what he said immediately (like opening my legs so he could squeeze my balls) he would without hesitation land blows on my face or body as punishment, and he wouldn't hold back. I couldn't get away from his choke holds or couldn't get up when he was pinning me down no matter how much i tried. It got to a point that the beating got s intense that I would just do whatever he said quickly just so he wouldnt hit me again. For example he ordered me to make out with his shoe (something I dont particularly enjoy) and I swear I was like an automatic robot, just reacting quickly to his command, not even thinking about disobeying for a second because I knew there would be hell to pay the moment I stopped kissing his shoes for even an instant. So in the face of getting hit again I automatically chose the lesser of two evils and went to making love to his shoes.
Ill spare you the rest of the evening details in case all this is sounding like erotic fiction. The session finished with him knocking me to the ground with a slap to the face and then he started to spank me, this is when I finally said the safe word and called it quits. I think I couldve taken more beating but I had told him I had a date the day after and I didnt want to have to explain too much bruising and palm prints on my ass. So we stopped.
This is when things got really interesting, after the beat down I just laid on the floor feeling the most intense rush, like I was so high, feeling so good, breathing hard but absolutely euphoric, feeling no pain, just pure pleasure. He sat next to me on the ground just holding my hand and waiting. Up to this point all my reactions were like a robot's, not really thinking but just reacting quickly to try to minimize pain, but now laying there I was fully back into myself enjoying that rush so very much. He eventually stood up and said his good byes, told me I did very well and left. Once I was alone I crawled into a ball and cried, no, i sobbed, like a baby. It was so liberating, so intense so scary and so incredibly good.
I have no doubt in my mind that I will be crawling back to him begging him to bully and beat me down as soon as Ive recovered. So after all that, the question is if you could please help me make sense of what happened. I feel scared of myself, in a way scared of my own desires. I dont wanna end up hooked on getting beat up every weekend but I know I wanna go back for more. I would also like to understand my reactions, first the mindless robot-like automatic way of acting when he was beating me, and then that crazy euphoria and sobbing. Also, do you have any recommendations safety wise about this kind of play? there were moments he was hitting me so hard I was genuinely scared he would do some permanent damage. I hope my questions have been clear and precise enough, thanks for taking the time to read all this.
Clearly there is no question about you being a maso. The need and desire for pain is tightly woven in you, it is like a drug which entices you. The problem with addictions is a single fix is never enough, and over time the dosage needs to increase. It is also quite clear to me you are submissive, and likely to a heavy extend. This combined with maso tendencies makes you very pliable. It becomes completely apparent at the beginning of your last paragraph. I also believe your being straight is a mere affectation of social pressure and upbringing I am convinced if during a session he pulled is dick out and said suck it you would eagerly like some enthusiastic drone. I deliberately did not use the word mindless-robot because you are living flesh and blood; so you are more a kin to the servant of a queen (or in this case a king) of the hive, than a mere automaton. The feelings you have will swell; the needs you have will coalesce around your living the lifestyle.
Fear is a constant companion of a maso because they always run the risk of hard abuse. The fact your dom gave you a safe word and honored it I believe you are able with him to find the threshold limit you will tolerate. I noticed the hint of the gentle after care and caressing you received after the abuse. This indicates a maturity and experience which should comfort you. It was also clear the sobbing was as much him leaving you as the beating ending; in fact I dare say more the former than the latter.
Also a true maso, and submissive eventually desires to be a slave. At that point you wont care if he does damage you; so long as you mend easily so he can continue at a later time. Having such as you before and still having one now I know your Master will care for you deeply over time. The emotions will swell up, the bonds will strengthen and affection will grow because you each fulfill a need in the other.
So go with this, enjoy it and yes I said Master. You already have subconsciously surrendered you now need to make it a realization in yourself first, and then with him. Good luck... you are both lucky people.