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BDSM/Rabbit in the Headlights

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Question
Dear Mistress Violette,

I am feeling a bit like a rabbit in the headlights at present.

I am in my early forties married for just under 20 years with 2 young kids.

The relationship with my wife has always been on the kinkier side with a switch dom sub role play in the earlier years with with my wife the more submissive partner enjoying mild bdsm, lots of toys both ways and occasional 3rd party Mistress sessions with us both.

Over the past 10 years or so she has preferred playing dominant more so than submissive. with some great play involving pleasantly heavy sessions including ball busting, huge strap ons, chastity, fisting and a lot of licking pussy.

The problem is as in a lot of relationships between family losses, depression and dealing with it, rearing kids and a busy life the sex and role play side of our relationship has got pushed to the background by her over the past number of years.  As such we have had arguments about the lack of sex and role play then sit down and talk about improving things. We make plans to improve, have good periods of times when things get back into a bit of routine, once a week for a while only for things to get pushed to the back again, once a month then once in several months to none. We then have another argument, another period of good times and then slipping back again.

As time goes on we carry on with getting things started again but the intensity of the sessions and the time from things getting back to routine to things get pushed to the background again are both getting smaller.

My wife appreciates my needs and has known of me using Mistresses a few times through the years when away on work or on the phone for phone chat sessions as it's a paid for fantasy thing she isn't really threatened by it as long as it's not in her face.

A few months back feeling frustrated I went on a site looking a bit of Mistress role play (email, phone) I contacted a service provider via Adult Work. A 30min email session turned into a 3 day email session with us both discussing a lot of what we both got off on. We then agreed to do a phone chat session which was going great until my wife walked in with me in a pair of knickers with a rubber fist up my ass and clamps swinging from my nipples. My wife and me talked the next morning about it and all was well as she hadn't been putting in the effort for a few months.

This is were it gets totally out of hand. It turns out the Mistress lives in the same town as be. Emails between me and the Mistress are still bouncing back and forth about the phone session being fun, Mistress has a boyfriend so only does phone domination and web cams but a real session would be fun so an exception would be made. We arrange a session and meet in a hotel in a different town, we have a full on hard paid for bdsm session and go our own ways. Then emails start back and forth about another session and another date was set and carried out harder and more intense than the previous. This has been going on for 4 months now with the sessions getting increasingly severe Mistress has expressed that she eventually wants complete control and I feel totally out of control. Before I contacted this Mistress I never felt bad about the occasional Mistress meeting or phone chat but now I feel guilty about what I am doing and angry that it's not my wife doing it and I can't stop.

Mistress had informed me after the phone chat "I am going to get iside your head and head fuck you" and she was right.

I know this is totally wrong, I am just a plaything for a Mistress looking to experiment and see how far she can take me

I love and fancy the pants off my wife and am risking everything.

What am I supposed to do?

Ben

Answer
This is kind of a no-brainer, Ben. What you're supposed to do is stop. You know that, but you think you can't. I'm going to tell why you can.

The reason for the rabbit in the headlights feeling is because you're thinking of this as a BDSM problem when it really isn't. Let's start by putting the situation into perspective. Think of the same situation, only instead of lacking BDSM, you're lacking, say, ballroom dancing. You and your wife loved to dance, finding it exhilarating and sexy. As things changed and it was happening less, your wife was fine with you taking a paid dancing lesson every now and then. Now, though, you're having more and more secret dance sessions and you're afraid you're losing control and maybe eventually your family. If dancing was the issue, I'm pretty sure you'd walk away. What's keeping you from doing that with the professional mistress is that you're making BDSM more serious than has to be. We've built up this whole mystique about BDSM being dark and dangerous and addicting when in reality, it's not that much different from dancing. Let's look at some facts.

BDSM is a want, not a need. You'd don't have to have it, the way you have to have food or sleep. No one ever died from lack of BDSM. Lots of people who enjoy BDSM have made the choice not to practice it and are perfectly fine.

Dominants have no magical abilities. We can't read your mind, infiltrate your consciousness or force you to do something you don't want to do. Anything that happens to you in terms of emotional control happens because you want it and allow it.

You and your professional mistress are not in a BDSM relationship. Your relationship is purely professional and BDSM activities are the service she provides for the fee you pay. If the service isn't benefiting you, and the fact that you say you're risking everything means it isn't, you stop buying the service. If your mechanic made your car run worse, you'd stop going to that mechanic. Same with the pro dom. End it with her. She's not experimenting with a plaything to see how far she can take you as a submissive; she's seeing how much of your money she can take to the bank. The time and money you spend with her could be used to make things better with your wife.

BDSM can seem special and mysterious, because it's not something people talk about. It can feel intense and emotionally compelling. The trick is to understand that how it feels isn't how it is. It's just a spice and, while delightful, it's something you can use or not use, your choice.

So, this isn't a BDSM problem; it's a relationship problem. You're not helpless or without control. You have the ability to be the caring partner you want to be. To do that, you need to see beyond the BDSM and decide when "trying to get your needs met" becomes "being selfish." You love and fancy the pants off your wife, with good reason. She's been remarkable in her acceptance of your needs. Maybe it's time to consider her needs. You're aware of her depression and dealing with loss and the stress of her other responsibilities. Instead of talking about making your sex life better, it might be better to talk about what can be done to make her situation better. That has to happen before the BDSM can get better. If for some reason she can't resume the activities you want, then look for a compromise, one that lets you be honest with her about what you do.

It's not going to be easy, Ben. I'm almost sure you knew what the right thing to do was when you asked this question, you just needed confirmation. Now you have it and I believe you can do what you need to do.

Mistress Violette  

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Mistress Violette

Expertise

I can answer questions related to the practice of BDSM, especially involving relationship issues and personal interactions. My expertise is in helping people sort out thoughts and feelings, define problems and find solutions. I'm happy to apply my BDSM knowledge and experience to this. I'm not the best person for questions dealing with mechanical contraptions, the physics of BDSM or Gor related matters.

Experience

Seventeen years of real time, face to face practice of BDSM in my own personal relationships, 4 years of professional experience in distance training.

Education/Credentials
My traditional education includes both a bachelor's and master's degree. I have no formal education in BDSM. I know what I know from interacting with experienced players, reading, and hands on experience.

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