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Question
Hi, so I have recently been introduced in the community of BDSM , and have found a master, although my master is online. I have tried researching how to please my master and how this will work, but have come of with little answers. I would like to know to know if you have any ideas on how to please him, at the moment I do what I'm told, send him pics of what I wear each time I get dressed. I also feel like he isn't being controlling enough. We have spoken and he has told me that I will always be his slave, even if I find a boyfriend/girlfriend. So I guess my questions are:
Is this healthy?
How should I please him more?
And how do I tell him I want him to be more controlling of me?
Cheers Georgia

Answer
Hi, Georgia...

I DO apologize for this tardy reply. I completely forgot that I had this question pending.

It's hard for someone to tell you how to please another unless they know quite a bit about you and the other person and your motivations.  This is compounded when the relationship is online, because you don't really know if he wants XYZ and he doesn't really know if you're following his directions. Also, many protocols concern physical stance, speech protocols, and service protocols.  The Internet is not set up to practice most of those, although you can accomplish quite a bit through Skype.

May I assume you're a member of Fetlife.com?  If so, you might wish to contact MJsgirl in Ballarat. They own/run Chains that meets monthly in Melbourne and he is Australia's representative for MAsT (Masters And slaves Together).  Kim is the author of "Soul in Chains" and is very active in helping those who are new to BDSM.  Please tell her that Dr Bob sent you.

For starting out in BDSM, I really suggest that you pick up my two-volume set called "BDSM Mastery"  The first book is on the basic "rules of engagement" in this culture, the second book (probably more immediately relevant to you) is on BDSM-based relationships.  If you truly wish to follow the Master/slave path, then the fist book in our second series would really, really help you: "Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of theory and practice."

+++

Back to your question.

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Is this healthy?  The challenge you face is not really knowing whether this "master" knows much/anything about being a Master.  People come into the BDSM world and give themselves all kinds of titles and think that's about all there is to it.  In the "Leather" tradition, "Master" is an earned rank. You can't join the Military as a General. In "Leather," you have to be vetted by your peers -- usually for a minimum of 10 years -- and given your "cover" in a public ceremony.  So... is this person masterful? Is he master of his own life? Does he demonstrate leadership, courage, and wisdom in his personal life?  If yes, then you're doing fine and yes, he can be your Master without being your boyfriend. However, the very basis of Master/slave structures is that you have surrendered authority over yourself to say "no" in exchange for 100% support and protection. Financial, mental, emotional, educational....

It's tough to do over the Internet.  




How should I please him more?  It sounds to me as though you have some definitions of what it is to serve and be served.  I'd refer you to Raven Kaldera's book: "Real Service."  Bottom line: "If Master doesn't want it, it's not service."


And how do I tell him I want him to be more controlling of me?  Your only shot is to say something such as: "Master, with respect, Master, could we have a discussion about your wants and needs and my wants and needs?"  Once granted permission to speak, you could mention that you are seeking more control from him in XYZ specific ways. Bring him this solution, not the problem.

Write back if you need more.  On Fet, I'm Dr_Bob.  Feel free to send me a friend request.

Bob  

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Robert Rubel (Dr. Bob)

Expertise

Anything related to BDSM or Master/slave relationships or activities.

Experience

See: www.KinkMastery.com I live 24/7 Master/slave lifestyle and have since 2002 both as Master and slave. My Owner and I present and do "weekend intensives" internationally and at BDSM conferences practically every month.

Organizations
Masters And slaves Together (MAsT) National Leather Association - International (NLA-I) National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (NCSF)

Publications
+++ BDSM Mastery—Basics: your guide to play, parties, and scene protocols. +++ BDSM Mastery—Relationships: a guide for creating mindful relationships for Dominants and submissives +++ Master/slave Mastery: Updated handbook of concepts, approaches, and practices +++ Master/slave Mastery--Advanced: Refining the fire; ideas that matter +++ Master/slave Mastery--Protocols: Focusing the intent of your relationship +++ Is THAT What They Meant? A book of practical communication insights

Education/Credentials
PhD, Urban Education Policy Studies with a minor in criminology, U of Wisconsin, Madison. EdM, Boston University with specialty in urban education Presented 80+ BDSM weekend conferences worldwide since 2007.

Awards and Honors
Pantheon of Leather Community Choice - Man, 2008

Past/Present Clients
Not applicable.

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