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BDSM/Hiding true intentions from sub

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Question
I am a female with a male sub on an infrequent basis; once a month or every 5 weeks. We'd had some vanilla sexual experiences over a 2 year period until one day, he nonchalantly brought up his interest in being dominated. I'm far from an expert but have played with guys I had no relationship with otherwise

In this case, I am and have been since day 1, crazy about this guy. I want him as a serious relationship so badly. He just doesn't want me like that. I realized right off when we did play that it was different than my past partners. I felt as though I could make him love me. He gets so into it and looks at with subspacey eyes and worships me - it feels so real. Of course when a scene ends, he still doesn't want me as a girlfriend in everyday life.

It's gotten to where I don't think of mutual enjoyment. It's more like I'm extracting affection. I'll do things I know he likes to get that reaction of him being so vulnerable and attainable. I don't consider mixing things up or challenging him. I just want that "love", albeit fake. What should I do?

Answer
Tealeaf -

Let's start by backing up.  I wanted to clarify that there are plenty of people that have romantic relationships that also engage in BDSM activities.  And there are plenty of romantic relationships that have a full-time power dynamic (Master/slave, Dominant/submission, whatever).  So having that attention/adoration doesn't have to be limited to a scene

Now, on to your question.  I will turn it around and pose questions to you:

1.  That heady reaction you get from him, which you crave, seems to be limited to to when you're engaged in BDSM activities.  To paraphrase what you said, once the scene ends he isn't looking for a romantic connection (which you describe as "girlfriend").  Is there any reason to believe this will change - that it will somehow morph into something other than great play?

2.  Your question is bottomed on the idea of deceptive manipulation -- hiding your intentions and hoping to "trick" him.  Is this what you want your relationship grounded on?

3.  Are you OK with having this intensity, but only during scenes?  Will you become resentful if a year from now it's still just a scene-based "love"?

It appears that you are both getting something out of the relationship.  He gets the intensity and subspace; you get the intensity and adoration.  The ultimate question seems to be whether this is sustainable, and if it is .......are you OK with things continuing as they are

Only you can answer these questions.  Best to you

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Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

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