You are here:

BDSM/Leaving master.

Advertisement


Question
Hello,

I wanted to know your thoughts on what would constitute reasonable justification as well as respectful protocol for a would-be slave leaving their master.  I love my master to death, I knew him for 4 years before even thinking about anything sexual with him, much less D/s; he's been one of my best friends for a long, long time, and I do not want to do anything to hurt him.  However, he is hurting me, and either will not listen to me, or doesn't care.  I'd like to think the former, but at this point it really doesn't matter.  He is wishy-washy about whether he wants a slave, specifically me, and does not want to step up and be consistent in the ways that I need him to be in order to continue serving him. But he also doesn't want to let me go.  I have done everything in my power to embrace wholeheartedly his desire to make me his and be the best slave I can be for him; in fact at the risk of sounding like a petulant three-year-old I can safely say he started this whole thing in the first place, as I would never have known how enthusiastically I would take to it had he not been the one to be so insistent.  Yet whenever we get *too* close he lashes out, deliberately making statements to make me feel like I am nothing more than a convenient lay, despite the fact that he has been in varying states of awe of me since we met, we have since been through thick and thin together in various guises and he says I am one of, if not (and I suspect) *the* best friend he's ever had, and I strongly suspect that the fact that I of all people not only did not reject him but actually agreed to be his slave has and continues to mean even more to him than it does to me, (which is saying something).  Furthermore, when I do try to let him go after one of his... 'episodes', (or when I've just had enough of the uncertainty), he suddenly does an about-face and Will. Not. Stop. Calling.  "I miss you..." After enough of these cycles I finally broke down and asked to go no contact until *I* was ready to be platonic friends, since he obviously didn't want me as a slave, and despite initial agreement and pledged support, he couldn't even go a month.  Repeatedly.  I finally only conned him into giving me two by promising to come back earlier than I thought, if only he would just actually leave me alone for that time.

I am tired of it.  Push-pull, push-pull.  I do not deserve to feel bad about myself because he does not know what he wants, nor do I deserve to be made to feel like a convenient piece of ass because he can't get his shit together.

There's more to it than that, and I have a great deal of respect and compassion for his situation, why he would be hesitant to "commit", even though I'm not necessarily looking for anything from him in that vein in the classic sense, certainly not right this second, but I do *not* think my desire to see him happy and to please him should be treated with the level of disdain with which his low self-esteem keeps pummeling it.  

I am not stupid.  I understand abusive patterns.  He fits all the criteria, even as he has also been incredibly supportive in many, many ways.  I love him dearly, and I do not want to leave.  We have an intense bond on several levels, D/s just being one of them, and I would die before I would willingly harm him.  I also absolutely crave his presence in my life, how much from the sheer force of the submissive dynamic, my (waning! :)) codependent tendencies/Stockholm syndrome, or my intensely genuine love for him and our friendship I have no idea anymore.  I do know it's some combination of all of the above.

As a genuine master, who based on your posts I presume puts a great deal of thought into the well-being of his sub(s), what would you suggest I do?  Where would you draw the line for yourself, and/or expect your subs to do so, and how would you want them to carry it out if you were unable (for whatever reason)?  I find myself still wanting to care for him and please him, even as he makes it nearly impossible.  I am also not sure how to stuff my devotion to him back down into Pandora's Box, now that it has been released.

Thank you for your help.  <3.

Answer
e


Clearly the relationship is not working for you, and his inconsistency is a sign of his disinterest. You probably have become a convenience item to him.  So dealing with the latter first; you have placed your emotions into a tangle, these have to be unwound from the relationship. Once that is done it will be easier on you. I would actually think if you made yourself available for others you might ease that issue.

As to the divorce from your Master, (I pick the words deliberately). You need to be honest, polite and distinct with him. That will make the break honest. There is nothing I hate more than dishonesty; and submissives or slaves who play at it piss me off. I would much rather a clean break in an adult manner than the typical vanilla approach of deception and slowly dialing back until the inevitable is forced simply out of animosity.

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Aramock Nanuck

Expertise

I will answer any questions concern the lifestyle and may annoy a few because I do dive into the history and psychology of this lifestyle in many of my answers. I have a partner a Femdom Mistress who shares my experiences and assets, as I hers. Also belonging to a couple groups in Europa and Asia. Traveling frequently between the continents. We tend to share information and discuss many of the topics frequently. I will focus on the core items around, training and relationship management for those that are interested.

Experience

I have been involved in the lifestyle since being introduced to it by my father at the age of 13. He was a master in the 50's to 80's but predated the popularity of Gor, and was Pharaonic in nature. I owned my own slaves since my early 20's. I have usually been part of a poly household. For about 6 years three of us ran a BDSM club in Prague until it was "acquired" by the Russian "businessmen". I do not hold any moral taboos about this lifestyle and at one time or another have experience or seen everything imaginable. It is in this absence of mrals that principles, protocols and personal honour must determine the worth of an individual. It is their clear and unwavering adherence to these ethics that make for stauncher things than those which some observance by mere lip service to common morals. When men/women of honour lead, then they do so without malice, without negativity and without thought of personal gain. It only then that they truly attain Dominon over others. Therefore in mastery comes a devotion to duty, and the existence, needs and desires of others that exceeds the submission mere slaves give to the Dominant. A Dominant one must lead, govern, educate and enrich the lives of subjects beign ruled... for otherwise they are but a sycophant and a tyrant. Hedonism and narcissism plays no part in this, it is an apparition that forms from acts done at much higher levels of meaning that mere morally bound persons can not see.

Organizations
I belong to a number of local clubs, and a loose association (not formal) of about 25 masters and mistresses here in Western Europe and Asia who share experiences, training and some exchange trade assets.

Publications
I have not published on BDSM under my name, but contribute frequently to forums. I am consolidating my writings slowly on DarkCastleSin.org for any that are interested in reading.

Education/Credentials
Not relevant although I do have a DCS and DT but I am not Christian so have no moral dilemmas with this lifestyle.

Awards and Honors
Not applicable here, come on in our lifestyle these do not exist but should. When was the last time we had public awards for Worlds Darkest Sadist, World's Most Gifted Shibaru Artist, Worlds Most Diligent Mentor, World's Most Gifted Enthusiast,

Past/Present Clients
Not relevant; private consults remain so.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.