You are here:

BDSM/Platonic Power Exchange

Advertisement


Question
I am happily married.  I have always been the dominate one in our relationship (we started dating at 18, we're now 46).  I am a control freak mainly due to stuff that happened in my past.  I find now though that I crave/need to be submissive - not so much in the bedroom, but I want to hand control over and make the choice to submit. First, I can't figure out if I'm nuts or if this normal? I have had this strong desire for over a year. I am totally fascinated by power transfer. I have a male friend (I'm female) that is a Dom - he is in a poly relationship with 2 men.  He and I have talked about having him be my platonic dom- it would be long distance with some visits throughout the year.  My husband knows him and likes him.  We have known each other since we were kids and trust each other completely.  Neither one of us is interested in the other sexually.  Is this crazy? Am I crazy to want/need to do this?

Answer
There is no limitation on what can or can't be done -- so on paper, there is nothing crazy about you being married to one person and submissive to another.  Similarly, there is nothing unusual or impossible about a poor-based relationship that is non-sexual or non-romantic.

But don't take that as an affirmation to go running head-long into a new relationship.  Before you get ahead of yourself, I suggest you pose, ponder and answer the following questions for you, your husband, and your potential Dominant partner:

1.  Do you envision boundaries (other than non-sexual) with this new partner (I'll call Master).  What is authority over you?  Could he tell you to leave your husband?Change jobs? Cancel a vacation? Buy a new car?  

2.  Put differently, over what aspects of his life would he control?

3.  What does he get in return for taking whatever level of responsibility is negotiated?  Will you be providing service of some sort?  Companionship? financial compensation?

4.  What are the time requirements, and do you have the time to meet his needs, have your need met, and maintain the rest of your life?

5.  Does he have the experience and skill to assume control over the things you wish him to control?

6.  Is his style of management/leadership/communication consistent with your style of taking direction/learning/communicating?

7.  Your husband is OK in the abstract.  Once the details take shape, how does he feel?

The questions are definitely unsexy.  But assuming you want to get beyond a weekend fantasy, they are the types of question that will lead you to conclude whether it can work or not.  I hope you find your answer

BDSM

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Ben Martin

Expertise

Questions related to power-based relationships in which decision-making authority is intentionally and consensually transferred -- and the resulting imbalance celebrated. I am able to assist those trying to understand where they fit in, and those seeking to structure and thrive in a power based relationships. Specific topics I am able to discuss include: setting and achieving personal and relationship goals, responsible Mastery, the use of protocols and rituals, communication techniques, and conflict resolution. In addition, I am knowledgable and experienced in polyamory, long-distance relationships, bisexuality and a variety of kinky activities ranging from mind games to sadistic play.

Experience

I have chosen to have a power-based structure in my relationships over the past 18 years. This has included a 16-year M/s relationship, several shorter term D/s relationships and various play partners. I am an active participant in various online forums and seek to provide support and advice to those interested in the Lifestyle.

Organizations
Black Rose

Publications
My writings, insights and discussion contributions are available on Alt.com and FetLife.com. On both websites, my user name is BenMartin

Education/Credentials
I do not hold any credentials specific to BDSM, relying instead on knowledge gained from life experiences, reading and conversing with others in the Lifestyle.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.