Expert: arani_CsA - 11/26/2007

Question
QUESTION: --Please keep my email address PRIVATE

Hi, I am relatively new to BDSM, and am a sub hoping to enter into activities with my bf, who is also new to this and i trust to be my dom.

My question is this: for subspace, is intense pain required to produce it? Is this something that could be produced through mental and physical (sexual) stimulation (without climax perhaps) but not necessarily with activities causing more than mild pain? I am concerned bcs i want to experience it but am thinking we would need to enter into some stronger pain activities for me to even move towards subspace.

Thanks for answering my novice question. I view submission as a gift and am glad I have someone who I trust with this.

ANSWER: Hello...

I have found that subspace is an intensely individual thing.  What produces it in one point will not do so in another.  Pain may or may not be necessary; it's almost impossible to predict.  And, like any other drug, some people require more and more pain to reach it.  It's basically something you and your boyfriend are just going to have to experiment with.

That said, you do need to use a great deal of caution here.  It is very easy for you to get hurt, and your boyfriend needs to be very careful to watch you for signs of distress.  There are different levels of subspace, and some people (including myself) go so deep that we are not able to tell when we have had enough.  Fortunately, my Master is very skilled in reading my body's signals, because he is usually the one who has to determine when to stop.  (Here is a very good article on the levels of subspace:  http://www.steel-door.com/Sub_Space.html)

I sense that you are afraid of pain play, or that you feel you are not very masochistic.  I have many submissive friends who are not masochistic at all, and who are focused only on service rather than on S/m play activities.  Speaking for myself, I am a mild masochist.  I enjoy a certain amount of pain, but nothing like what I have seen some women endure and enjoy.  Here is a good article on how to attain subspace without pain:  http://www.steel-door.com/access_subspace.htm

I should also tell you that it is not necessary to achieve climax, or orgasm, during play.  In fact, subspace may interfere with your ability to achieve climax.  My Master and I quite often play in public dungeons or play parties, with other people present.  In these situations, penetration is not allowed, and many do not experience orgasm.  

I suggest that you and your boyfriend continue to learn about this lifestyle.  Some good sites, if you have not already seen them, include:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Good luck to you, and always remember to play safely.  If you have any more questions, feel free to contact me again.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I appreciate this answer greatly and it leads me to a followup. For sure I am a mild masochist when I'm WITH a partner--i enjoy the basics of spanking, strong restraint, flogging, biting that leaves marks for a long time, riding crops, (not hard enough to leave major welts though), general "manhandling" too for lack of a better term.

However, WITHOUT a partner, I have a history of being a more extreme masochist, that is, I have a tendency towards self-destructive behavior (cutting, wounding, burning, for example). Therefore, I do have some fear of this world, as I am concerned I will go too far for my own good and instead transition into self-destructive behavior albeit inflicted by another.

So, I am firstly wondering how common it is to have this situation and secondly if folks in the lifestyle are able to reconcile them. If so, how?

Probably my desire for this world stems from my own issues to some extent, but I also know there is a healthy side to it which is about sharing trust with my dom and growing through the experience. Does he (also a novice) need to take any special precautions with me having this history?

Answer
Hello, again...

You ask some very good questions, and I think it is very good that you are exploring these issues before actually getting involved.  There are some very real dangers in this kind of play, for anyone.  For someone with your background, even more precautions need to be taken.  But it can be done.

The first thing you and your boyfriend need to do is to find a group of lifestyle folks to interact with on a personal level.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyre.com.  Even if you have to travel, and can only attend group functions once or twice a year, it is very important that you spend some time watching others and talking to them, and learning how they address the very issues you have raised.  Most of these groups will have on-line discussion groups that you can also be a part of.  But be aware that these groups are often wary of newcomers, due to concerns related to privacy.

One of the main rules of our lifestyle is "Safe, Sane, Consensual."  This means that we don't play with anyone unless we are positive that the other person will play with us safely and sanely, and only with our consent.  Even though we are giving and receiving pain, and sometimes even draw blood, we make VERY sure not to cause any kind of permanent injury.

Most of these scenes will be VERY carefully negotiated ahead of time.  There will have been detailed discussions as to what kind of play is to take place, how far it is to go, and how to tell when enough is enough.  Trust is a big issue; you have to know without a doubt that your partner is going to honor the limits you have specified ahead of time, and that he is knowledgeable enough about what he is doing so that he won't cause you any harm unintentionally.

As for the self-injurious behavior, this is not something that is at all uncommon in the lifestyle.  If you have not already seen it, rent a movie called "The Secretary."  This was a major-release movie with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhall, where she played a cutter who formed a D/s relationship with her boss.  My Master actually knew a woman who was in a similar situation; what she did was to find a Master who quite simply didn't allow her to cut herself.

Yes, there is a certain amount of danger here.  But one difference between what you do to yourself and what your boyfriend will do to you is the matter of control.  You can get around it by giving up control over your actions in this regard.  If this is something that interests you, you and he can negotiate a relationship where he not only dominates you with regard to S/m play, but also controls your actions as far as how you speak and act.  He will set up strict rules on how you are to behave, with punishment meted out for disobedience.  But, again, this should be done only after careful consideration.

I do wish you both success.  Again, if you have further questions, feel free to bring them to me.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius