Expert: Mistress Violette - 9/4/2007

Question
My girlfriend of ten months has gotten into BDSM. Not from actually doing any; she has just enjoyed reading fantasy novels with BDSM elements and has read extensively about it online.

I'm cool with trying new things, and am quite willing to experiment with her. I don't have a problem with BDSM. But...she asked for an open relationship so she could try BDSM with other people, and I am not happy with that.

She insists that it would be complete separate from our relationship, and that if I really trusted her it shouldn't be a problem for me. It is though, it is very much.

We settled on an agreement where we wouldn't have sex (genital, oral, anal) with other people, but everything else was fair game. She isn't completely happy with this though, I'm definitely unhappy, and I'm not even sure if I should trust her.

She says that she can't do the BDSM she wants with me because she trusts me too much. She wants to be afraid and "achieve subspace".

We just moved in together this week.

I don't know how to make this into a question. I feel so confused I doubt even know what to ask. Help?

Answer
Hello, David,

Your confusion is understandable. You've been hit with a confusing situation. It looks to me like you have a relationship issue that's being complicated by BDSM, so let's talk about BDSM first.

The basis of BDSM is power exchange, the giving up of personal control to another person. All the "play" - the restraints, the percussion toys, the psychological factors - are possible because of the power exchange. When you think about this, you'll realize trust is crucial in BDSM.

My sense is your girlfriend is right, she might not be able to achieve subspace with you. But that's not because she trusts you too much. It's because you don't have the experience to make it happen on purpose or to know what to do if she achieved it by accident. So either she's not expressing what she means or she's using the issue of trust as a dodge.

Now, about sex. There are people who, for many reasons, have a primary relationship and a secondary BDSM one. There's no blue print for these relationships, except that the primary partners must agree on the terms. For instance, some secondary relationships are "body fluid monogamous," meaning body fluids aren't exchanged. In others, some sexual activity is acceptable. In some the dominant controls some things in the submissive's every day life. In others the control happens only when the two are together. Those are just a couple of examples. It all comes down to what the partners are comfortable doing.

In your relationship, there's a problem right off the bat. You've agreed on terms but neither of you are happy with them. I think you already know this is dangerous territory.

It's not a bad idea for a novice to meet and learn from someone more experienced. But there's nothing that says you couldn't be there, too, whether to watch or to learn. I'm wondering if your girlfriend has been talking to someone and wants to meet that person for BDSM or more.

When you think of this as a relationship problem rather than a BDSM problem, things in your mind should fall into place more easily. Basically, your girlfriend has asked if she can date other people. You don't seem ok with that and you need to tell her so. She's also expressed an interest in exploring a new sexual pursuit. You're ok with that, you just don't want to be completely excluded and, in fact, you're good with exploring it with her. Tell her that, too, and offer to work on some compromises that will be acceptable to both of you. If she loves you and wants to be with you, she'll help find a way to make it work.

Mistress Violette