Expert: arani_CsA - 7/19/2007

Question
Greetings, arani_CsA, and thank you in advance for any help you might be able to give.

My Dom/husband and i have been in a BDSM relationship in one form or another for the past 6 years. We did things contrarily and married after entering into a D/s relationship! We now have two children under the age of two, and i find myself so tired from meeting their needs that i become petulant and frustrated when trying to meet His. Also, i am a stay at home mom, so i "run" the house while He is at work. i find it hard to hand over the reins at five when He comes home. Have any suggestions? Also, do you know of any sites or books that focus on finding the time and strength to maintain a solid D/s relationship during the most intense years of parenting?

i thank you for your time,

subtora

Answer
Hello...

Thanks for sending me your very good question.  I'll do my best to give you the answer you're looking for.

First of all, I'm not a parent, but I do have some friends in the lifestyle who are.  I've heard them talk about the difficulties involved with mixing a D/s relationship with parenting.  

But you mention that you did things "contrarily" by becoming Dom and sub before marriage.  I know of many people who take this route, including my husband and i.  We became Master and slave a full 3 years before we married.  Our relationship didn't really change all that much, except that now my parents don't fuss about our "living in sin."

Now, as I mentioned, we don't have children.  But I did teach school for many years, and had to exert a certain amount of control over my students.  During this time, I was discovering and exploring my slave nature, and I did have some difficulty mixing the two.  I finally came to the realization that, while I was assuming a position of some authority in the classroom, I was actually serving my Master by doing my job to the best of my ability and hence bringing home a much-needed paycheck.  

Being a stay-at-home mom to two small children is trying under the best of circumstances.  I can understand how you would feel exhausted, and as a result a bit rebellious, having to serve your Master after an already busy and stressful day.  Most lifestyle parents find that they have to modify their expectations, both because of not wanting to expose children to certain aspects of the lifestyle, and because of having to spend so much time and energy on the children.  

Speak to your husband/Master about your concerns.  Be honest with him about how you feel about the current situation, and respectfully ask if he has any suggestions as to how he might help.  Just because he is Dom and you are sub, that doesn't mean he can't help out by cooking dinner occasionally or watching the children while you take a nice refreshing bath.  I hope that the two of you discussed limits when you entered into this aspect of your relationships; perhaps some negotiation and some changes here are in order.  My husband often offers to fix dinner when I have had a long and tiring day at work, and has been known to do a load of laundry or run the vacuum cleaner.  The difference is that these things are HIS idea, and not done because "it's your turn."  One of the responsibilities of a Dom is to protect and nurture his submissive.

At the same time, you should expect him to take you in hand when you behave in ways that are out of bounds.  He should be correcting you, or even punishing you, when he feels it is necessary.  But there also needs to be a concise delineation of rules, and the consequences for breaking these rules.  You can speak deferentially to him without calling him Master, and can still treat him with respect.  Things just become a bit more subtle while the children are around.  Then, when they are in bed the gloves can come off, and you can be expected to kneel before him or put on your collar.  And punishment can be reserved for these times as well.

You might do well to find a lifestyle group that meets in your area.  (You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at www.drkdesyre.com)  By attending group functions and interacting on message boards, you can talk to others who are in similar circumstances and find out how they handle things.  And you can also have the luxury of attending play parties or other events without the children, and be just Master and submissive.  (Maybe even enjoy a good flogging, if you're into that.)

You might also want to do a web search on "domestic discipline."  This is a subgroup of D/s folks who try to live within the boundaries of an "old-fashioned" marriage, with the husband as the head of the household.  Try http://christiandomesticdiscipline.com/Home.html or http://www.takeninhand.com

And, for organizing your home life so that you're not so frazzled, I strongly recommend http://www.flylady.com  I belong to this service, and swear by it.

Good luck, and if you have any more questions, feel free to send them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius