Expert: arani_CsA - 5/29/2007

Question
I met my now wife a little over 4 years ago. During the courtship time, and actually one thing that brought us together was the talk of BDSM and M/s relationships. She had actually contacted (2 separate people, not a couple) One Master and One Mistress to take her in. This never took place due only to traveling problems. Anyway, we have dabbled in pretty heavy BDSM, ageplay, bondage, suspension, needle play, breathe play, etc.... We were married a little over a year ago and since we got married the talk of a M/s relationship has stopped. She used to look at collars and tell me of the ones she would love to have. Now she has no want at all and can not tell me why. How do I get my submissive back? I feel almost like I was told just what she wanted me to hear until the marriage happenend. Help me out here. What can I do. I miss my pet.  

Answer
Hello...

Thank you for a very interesting question.  I will do my best to help you and your wife out.

First of all, it is not uncommon for people to partake of the BDSM lifestyle for a time, and later to put all thoughts of such things aside.  I have personally known of several submissives and slaves who at one time were involved in very intense M/s relationships, and who later left the lifestyle altogether.  

Just as an example, I'll relate the story of a former friend of mine, who had a long-standing mental illness, and basically felt his life was out of control.  He sought out a Mistress to give him the control that he couldn't find within himself.  In addition to the kinky play, she encouraged him to take his medication regularly and to find fulfillment in a new job.  Basically, she helped him to find what he couldn't find on his own.  Eventually, he left the lifestyle altogether and was able to meet and marry a very sweet vanilla woman.  

As I'm sure you have discovered if you have spent any time researching the lifestyle, there are bottoms and submissives and slaves.  And all three types are motivated by completely different things.  A bottom may enjoy pain or the thrill of doing something that others will view as sick or depraved.  A submissive may find stimulation in being obedient.  (And you may have heard some express the opinion that the submissive is the one who has the real control over a relationship, because of safewords and limits.)  And a slave may wish to be so totally under the control of another that she has no say over her own destiny.  Or people may partake of the lifestyle for completely different reasons than these.

I would encourage your wife to spend some time learning what it was that attracted her to the lifestyle in the first place.  This kind of introspection may take some time, and you may or may not be able to help her with this.  She should also spend some time determining what it is about your present relationship that she finds fulfilling, or what she feels may be missing.  Then, sit down with her and engage in an open and honest discussion of what it is that both of you want in a relationship.

I don't know anything about your wife other than what you have told me, but it may well be that there was a time when she felt her own life was out of control for one reason or another.  By submitting to you, she surrendered that control and so felt the freedom of not having to worry about those things any longer.  I can speak from personal experience when I say that this kind of surrender gives one a strong feeling of belonging, of feeling safe in the knowledge that someone else is looking after you and taking responsibility for your life and your actions.  Then, when you married, she may have felt another kind of security that took the place of that she felt previously.  Now, please note that I'm speculating here, and there may be something else involved.

If you have not already done so, I would encourage you and your wife to do some reading on the lifestyle and all of its various forms.  It may be that your wife may be interested in continuing in a top/bottom or a Dominant/submissive relationship, where a Master/slave situation may be too intense.  Here are some good sites:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://www.leathernroses.com
http://www.steel-door.com/Chamber.html

Good luck to you both.  If you have any further questions, feel free to send them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius