Expert: Oscar G. - 5/4/2007

Question
Hello there

I will bless you and thank you a lot to have your advice



So here it is:


About Me:

I am 25 years old (male), healthy. I can describe myself as a Switch ( I like to dominate

And to be dominated & controlled even more)

tough I never tried it before.but I desire so much to taste from that lifestyle.

But still don't think I will turn BDSM into my total lifestyle.





About Her:

I met a 40 years old lady (she got 2 daughters 17yo, 13yo).

She is very attractive & very very pretty, she looks like 28 years old. She is pretty known in the BDSM community.

She is very hard to explain, I will try to describe her caricature:

- Very liberal. She started having sex from a very young age

- She was cheating on her husband from day 1. (She is divorced now)

- She made any sex fantasy she dreamed of (anything): she had been with girls & boys from the

 ages 17 and to even older then her age. She done even sex with a few people together

- She is the person that enjoyed sex in all ways I believe



- She got PMS, her period is very strong (men suffer from her during the period time, means

 screaming, shouting, she demands)

- She got trouble sleeping (taking sleeping pills).

- She is very skinny (great body), but she was anorectic for years

- The reason she is happy and alive: is that she loves when people admires her, her ego is in the

 sky. She love fame, and to feel always on top.

-          She must be the best looking in the group she is with, and she knows she is the best

-          She used to take drugs like pills in parties until a few years ago. She quit.

-          But she seems very cleaver and smart, high skilled language if she wants.



-          She is working as a mistress (guys  slaves coming to her house and they pay her for a

-             dominating session, she got equipment as well).

- She is very liberal, even doing sessions to slaves whiles her daughters in the house. They

         know mom is with a guy. She slowly teaching her daughters to dominate also

- She got beautiful daughters, so sweet (I pity them, because they have a terrible mom I believe)

- Her 13yo daughter sometime curse her giving her the F word & shut up mom



- She picks good looking guys, she is picky. A lot of people admire her.

- She has a master as well. That dominates her (he is 60 years old)



A few times she told me she has no mental energy left in her

I tried to discover what is her ambitions, and she got none

Sometime I feel she is sad and miserable, when I try to fix her life to give her a purpose, a meaning

She rejects it, telling me i'm a kid. I don't know anything. She have been though a lot of things



I believe she is a lady, which decided to exploit life as much as she can. And that's it

Having everyone work & admire her & worship her. Period



The thing is I began to feel for her. She tells me that she loves me too

But she desire to be polygenic (be with a lot of men, not 1).

A week ago she had a slave for a session (he paid her) but she liked him a lot. So she seceded he is hers for good also. And I envy and I'm jealous a lot. She tells me don't worry I love only you



If you ask me I will say she is just using me. The same she did all her life to anything I believe



- somt times I wish we could have a vinyl (regular) relationship together. That way she will be only with me.



I want her so much, because she is a challenge, she is 40 and she is a sex bomb with tons of adventures and thrills, but I want love as well

She is turning me on a lot



Even though she gives me fake love maybe....I didn't have any love for maybe 4 years.

I know I can get very hurt out of this relation,





What is that woman? Why is she like that? She is so complicated, why?

Is it possible to give her a reason to live? An ambition? To change her?

Is it possible that she will fall in love with an average looking adorable guy like myself? Or another guy (be honest I wont be offended)



Should I hold my feelings, or fake it, that way I will fulfill my fantasies and then leave her?

Or should I tell her good bye now (and I will lose all that adventure)







Thank you so much for your reading

I will love to even Skype or have a chat with you. It's a very interesting issue & personalities

Thank you Thank you SO MUCH



--

Adam  

Answer
Hi Adam :

Complex question indeed. My best  assessment is not to give her ultimatums and chose a good time to talk to her and decide to put your cards on the table. Which  cards you ask? You got to decide what will happen if you leave or if you will stay. See which one leads you to more and newer stuff, but without stressing you as much or having to play a price on your sanity. You should not be afraid to leave her eventually, which i believe it is what will  eventually happen.
She sounds awesome and she is probably skilled , smart and intense. But being a crappy human being is not a good trade off for being a BDSM goddess. Beware of trying to change people, many times does not work or backfires. Think about it: How do you like people telling you what to do and trying to change  who you are  because they think you should be different and change (regardless if it is true or not that you need it)?.
I would say hang in there ONLY if you are with your eyes wide open and you will get some kind of reward emotionally or otherwise. And if you do not see change on her, see that there is  change in you.  If at some point you want/need to get out tell her you are getting out, even as much as you like her and admire her. Tell her your feelings and emotions but without drama. And tell her what you cannot respect or admire her since she is unable to change. She may not care or she will try to change. But if she doesn't, you may be better off.
Just count your time  with her as great learning experience. Maybe while you are still with her, network with other BDSM people, make friends and future possible connections. Build bridges for your own support. So while you decide to get out, or see if she changes, you build  a safety net or comfort circle with people who will understand what you did and why.

In any case it is a sticky and elaborate situation with no easy answer. My opinion is only one possible answer of many other variables. You need to evaluate advantages and disadvantages of each situation and judge it not as for what it was, but for what it is...and what it can it be or not.

I hope this helps. Be well and be safe.

Oscar G.