Expert: Mistress Violette - 12/10/2007

Question
Dear Ma'am,

I've been in the lifestyle for about 6 months now, so I'm still really "fresh." I met my Sir a couple of months ago. Our relationship has progressed and He's offered me a collar of consideration. I am not collared at the moment, as He's waiting on it to be delivered. Here's where I need help. He's asked me to make a list of my expectations. What I expect from our relationship and Him. The problem is other than expecting that He not intentionally harm me physically, mentally emotionally, and that I expect to serve Him I don't have any other significant expectations that pop out at me. Maybe they're there, but I don't see them? I get the feeling He wants more than what I've mentioned. Any ideas how I'd tap into that? I've never been all that great at taking my feelings and putting them into words... generally I end up stumbling in search of the right word.

Answer
Hello, Cecilia,

I'm willing to bet your dominant isn't looking for Pulitzer material. :) See if you can relax and maybe even enjoy this exercise. It's like he wants you to have an honest, earnest discussion with him but he's tried to remove the intimidation factor by letting you write rather than talk. He's also letting you take your time and think things out. That should make the face to face discussion easier. Don't worry about the right word, just express your concepts as best you can.

I'm also willing to bet you actually have more expectations than you think, you just need to identify them. It's hard because you're not thinking of them as expectations, you're thinking of them as part of life or part of the relationship. For instance, most of us expect family to acknowledge a birthday and for most of us, that happens. We think of it as what family does but it's still an expectation.

I think you'll be able to define your expectations if think about the relationship in the future. What do you expect in terms of communication, for instance? How specific do you expect his orders to be? What do you mean when you say serve him? You probably have a picture in your head of what service entails, of how the relationship will look. Flesh it out in your mind, see the two of you interacting. I suspect you'll see him doing things or responding to you in certain ways, ways that you expect.

Also think about what you need from him. More pushing in play or less, lots of aftercare or little, talk time, silent time, alone time? Are there areas of your life that don't require his control? How do you need him to interact with your friends and family?

Expectations are simply things you believe he will do. So, you see, you're dealing with thoughts, not feelings. Judging from the way you wrote your question, you don't have any difficulty expressing your thoughts; your question was very well written. Once you think about it, my sense is the problem will be too many expectations, not too few. If that happens, pare your list down to the most important ones, the least obvious ones or the ones that are most open to interpretation. These are things you want to have clear in the beginning. And, of course, you're going to expect that the channels of communication will always be open, so you can both discuss expectations and changes in expectations that might occur in the future.

You're going through a wonderfully exciting time right now. If I can help you with any other questions, please ask. Enjoy!

Mistress Violette