Expert: Oscar G. - 10/16/2007

Question
I recently met a girl who I like quite a bit and she is a bisexual sub into pain and bondage.  I'm really very new to the scene and she is much more experienced than me.  However I really have fallen quite hard for this girl and have harbored dominant feelings for quite some time.  I would like to learn how to be a good and safe dom.  How should I go about this?  I want to be able to give this girl what she wants and deserves, but I want to go about it in the right way.

Answer
Hi Tony:
If you feel you are capable of being on the dominant role without being against your nature, by all means indulge, but cultivate yourself nor only for her, but also for your own edification. The better you become the  more she will enjoy it, and the more the bond can be cemented together.
The first thing was figuring out if you enjoy what you do (or could do) to her. Having no conflict in character and your mind being eager is the first  great step. From there there are 2 aspects to develop and increase.
One is communication and the other is education. Communication with your partner is sometimes overriding in importance, but by no means less important than education of yourself. Education we mean defining yourself and finding your own style, from what you read in every book related to BDSM. There are Many good books out there and you only need to search in Amazon and Wikipedia. (use, of course, BDSM for your search). Wikipedia is a good primer in my opinion, but many of the books in amazon.com will help you focus in some topics better and particular know-hows. But there is a lot of into there still.
This is where communication with your partner could help you narrow your search and focus. Talk to her about he fantasies, make mental note. Those are blueprints to use and build great stuff together. I am advocate of making fantasies real in the intimacy of a couple relation. But we are not mind readers, so talking, sharing and exchanging ideas  besides informative, can be fun. Make an evening out of it and discuss the possibilities and with her ideas you should let your own creative juices flow and suggest stuff you like. If she is game and a good sub, she will aim to please. Also being the Dom, you can request stuff that she is unsure, or hesitant about. But it is your duty to find out what her limits are. Limits are the stuff she will never EVER do, and it is word to the wise to respect those hard limits. There are others called soft limits, which are the ones she is unsure or unknown about. IF you want to get into that area, you better find out about that skill , arts or topic to be able to reassure her and weight the pluses and minuses of the whole affair.
My best advice is read more of the topic, talk to her what she like and dislikes, and have fun, both of you in the process.
I hope this is the primer you need.
Be well and be safe.
Oscar G.