Expert: Oscar G. - 9/14/2006

Question
Hi Oscar,

I met my master/lover recently. I have never practiced the BDSM lifestyle before and so I have some confusion about its implications on many levels. The most obvious and the easiest to understand I suppose is the sexual aspect. But I would like to understand the psychological, emotional and intellectual implications of the practice. I truly love my boyfriend and want to submit myself to him in the profoundest sense of the word but at the same time, I want a relationship that is more than just inflicting and receiving pain. My boyfriend (my master) understands this as much as I do and is willing to take it further as I learn. I would appreciate any enlightenment you can give me about this one.  Also one thing he wants to introduce is another female submissive into our relationship. He allowed me to make a choice about who it is we will bring into a relationship. As I am new to this, I do not know how to go about looking for one. Please point me in the right direction. Thank you.

Answer
Dear Ulan:

I am so happy you have a loving partner and you want to please him in such ways. There is a lot of topic and practices unde rthe BDSM banner  and each has it rewards and downsides. The main thing is to read more about the topics and see what arouses you. My rule of thumb is this: Follow your fantasies. But that being said, after you know where you lean, research the topic, and possible risks, besides the obvious rewards.

There are many GOOD books about BDSM, practice and psychology. Each book written from either submissive or dominant perspective. SO i would suggest to check Amazon.com And try all the topics you crave. Th thing i am most concerned about if the emotional safety of bringing someone else.  I would suggest first learn more about the dynamics of the DOm/sub relationship, and the emotional rights and responsabilities.  I know you want to please and  probably would even enjoy the experience. But emotionally the heart can subconsiously put land mines, or make you react in ways you did not think about, even if your lust and logical brain say it's ok. SO be careful and read and learn before delving there.  

So many good BDSM couples have been broken for getting a third , but not being ready emotionally to handle it. SO read more about the basics, before youget into the advanced stuff. SO read first, It is FUN, gives you ideas, makes you leanr about yourself, and the insights are for a lifetime.

Afterwards you can perhaps go to local evnts as a couple, put an AD  in bondage.com or alt.com. and you control, whom, how and when. Other than that, i hope your explorations are exciting fun and helps you grow.
Have fun and be safe.

Best regards.

Oscar G