Expert: Mistress Violette - 12/16/2007

Question
I'm in a wonderfully loving vanilla relationship at the moment, full of commitment and respect, and I'm madly in love with my boyfriend. (Do you sense the 'but' coming up?)

However...

For about 2 years now I've been researching my interests in the BDSM scene online. I have no real life experience, though I strongly believe that this is exactly what my life's been lacking. I find myself completely drawn to submissive behaviors and descriptions and would like nothing else than to serve my boyfriend. (Again, there's another glitch)

My boyfriend, though open minded, is hardly the type to be dominant. In our vanilla relationship, more often than not, I'm the one who makes the decisions as per where we go on dates, when we go, etc. I've already expressed my tastes for submissive behavior to him, and he's open minded and willing to try, however I have no idea where to start!

I'd love to find some exercises/concepts/methods of introducing BDSM in the bedroom (and maybe outside of the bedroom later on) to him without scaring him off. I'd love to be able to explore my limits and continue to have the great relationship I have with him while acclimatizing him to a more dominant role.

Any help would be wonderful!

-Sadie.


Answer
Hello, Sadie,

I'm always delighted when someone says she's been doing some exploring on her own. That probably means you've been thinking about more than just the sexually exciting part of BDSM, you've been looking at the intellectually exciting part, too. I think that will prove helpful as you help your boyfriend engage with this new concept.

One caution, not being the one who takes the lead doesn't mean he isn't "the type to be dominant." If someone dropped you into the middle of a group of BDSM people who were simply socializing, you likely wouldn't be able to tell the dominants from the submissives. How he behaves in general could have little to no connection to how well he might take to the dominant role. After all, it sounds like you've been very directive for a submissive. :)

But you know what? When you're new to this, it's sometimes hard to tell if you're dominant, submissive or switch. You can start out thinking you're one and wind up finding you're another. Sometimes all you know is that you want power exchange. It takes actually having an opportunity to experience it that helps you find the right side of the whip for you. I suspect you're as open minded as your boyfriend. That's fantastic, because that means you're open to whatever you discover as you explore deeper.

I know you know you're lucky to have an open minded partner who is willing to experiment. Even if it turns out he isn't dominant he may be one of the many men who finds the role appealing sexually. If so, he'll probably enjoy bedroom play and may even be willing to venture outside the bedroom a bit, too. One of the most effective "dominants" I've ever seen was a woman who just enjoyed playing the role for her husband, a submissive.

I have two resources for you. The first is a book that's been around for a while but is still one of the best for newcomers. The book is Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon. It talks about the relationship aspects of BDSM as well as the play. There's quite a bit of how to in terms of actual play activities and it's immensely helpful.

Since it might take you a little while to get the book, here's a site you can visit right now: http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html This site provides a good overview of BDSM, some information for the beginning dominant, and play suggestions. There should be enough there to get the discussion started.

The discussion is very important. It's where you'll each talk about your interests and limits and decide on the boundaries of play. Start out however you both are comfortable, refer to your resources and move on at a pace that suits you both. Since you already have a successful relationship, you're used to communicating and compromising. You'll find it's really no different in BDSM, it's just that the division of power is less equal and more overt.

Discovering BDSM can be incredibly exciting and fulfilling. I hope it's everything you've been hoping it would be. If there's anything more I can do to help, please let me know.

Mistress Violette