Expert: Oscar G. - 8/25/2004

Question
My best friend, who covered my back in a couple of wars overseas already, is the man we have talked about.  He actually brought the idea to me, asking if we ever thought of having someone else handle her, and me and my girlfriend have been talking it over.  The one thing that worries her the most is that in us agreeing, and then him coming into this new stage in a relationship with us, she feels that no matter what she was told by him to do, that she would always look to me for my nod of approval.  Even if he blindfolded her, she would wait to feel my hand on her body or my voice saying it was okay to do as he told her.  I believe she is reasonable in this.  She trusts me explicitely in whatever we do, and doesn't do anything without my concent in her role as submissive.  As a whole person she is submissive, very tenative about what she feels she is allowed to do around people, but when it comes to the bedroom, she is much more so.  She also would like to start things slow, ie not being totally naked the first few times, and things like that.  Would these be undermining my best friend and his role of partial dominant if we bring him into the picture?  Even though we are best friends, she knows very little of him compared to me.  This she finds exciting and scary, but wants to go ahead with it, finding more excitement than fear, as long as I stay within talking distance.  And as for her bottom, what we talked about before, it is alright that I give areas on her I don't want touched right?  Until we find out how much she can tolerate having done to her bottom, I would rather be the only one exploring that area with her, knowing that I will take special care in how far and fast we go in that area of exploring.  He knows already he is never allowed to penetrate her with his penis, unless I agree to him telling her to give him oral sex, and then the only part he will ever be allowed to enter is her mouth.  Are all the things I talked about above too many rules and guidelines?  I know I sound novice in all this, I have done threesomes before, but not since I met this girl.  And back then, I only cared about the sex, and now care more about her as a person and how she feels about it all than anything else.  BTW sorry my questions are so long.
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Followup To
Question -
I am 32 male, with 26 Female.  Bother of us are heterosexual.  I am 6'3" 225 pounds, she is 5'2" 115 pounds.  I am the dominant in our relationship, and we have been together for three years, living together the last two.  My girlfriend is wonderful, and has a very sweet personality, always feeling the need to make me happy, in and out of bed, and I feel the same towards her.  We have two problems.  The first is that in her butt she has a fissure from an ass of a guy that forced himself upon her as a child.  When we first started dating, I had told her I loved anal sex.  When I found out about her fissure I was quite alright never having anal sex again, this is how much I have come to love this girl.  She feels she doesn't deserve me because she can't really give me anal sex.  Twice, after her crying, and saying she wasn't good enough for me, and saying she felt useless, I gave her anal sex, like she begged and pleaded me to, but it hurt her so much, she was in pain for at least a week both times.  She has since been asking me again.  How can I show her that I am into S&M and loving her, but that I can't keep hurting her like that?  That she isn't any less of a submissive to me because she can't physically do anal sex?  My second questions is about more than one man.  We have talked about having more than me doing things to her, sometimes even having me do nothing but watch.  How can I make sure if we do this, that no other man will hurt her?  I take my role as her dominant very seriously, and don't want her injured.  I have written down rules about having no alcohol consumed within 24 hours, letting her have a safeword (we have long since gone past needing it between ourselves) and limited the list of toys they can use on her.  But some people can do something so fast, you can't see it coming.  Is there a way to make sure she won't get hurt?  Or would it just be safer to keep our games to the two of us?
Answer -
Hi Bill:

Sorry about the delay, but your answer required a bit of thought on my part. It is nice to see a committed couple working  in their relationship and growth within a sane BDSM context. In the FIRST aspect you both have to figure out if the pain in the anal sex is  physical and/or psychic  and to which degree on both aspects. You have to find out if that fissure can be fixed medically or the fissure is DEEPER in her mind. IF she happens to be TOO sensitive to have sex, maybe you should try smaller objects (small dildos, plugs, but i would recomend small anal vibrators) and see if she can handle those object first and enjoy herself with that type of anal play. AFter all she can please you by letting you play with her ass in those other ways, correct?. In thsi way she is still giving you all of herself and you get to play with what she offers you, and in thsi way working up to larger objects. Eventually once there is more comfort and less pains and fears, maybe anal sex one-to-one will be possible again. If that suggestion does not help; maybe you need the  help of a BDSM sex counselor. The issue of abuse intruding into sexual issues in a relationship  are complex and need to be addressed with care and tact. SO as i said The fact you still want her and you can play (albeit limitedly) with her ass should ease her mind. SPecially if you show some enthusiasm and get fun and be creative about what toys and gear you could use on her for that play. Think of it as play therapy.

The second aspect is a bit sticky. If you are going to be present in her "training" by another dom, you willbe able to walk around and supervise the action. It is you right and privilege to stop anything you do not like. Also if you are to trust anyone else with you cherished sub, you should be  able to trust that person as well. She trusts you to chose someone YOU can trust in her care, but also you should never leave her alone, unless you trust that person with your life or even more important a loved one. I think you could eventually find someone to play with you guys. But Do please take all the necessary time to get to know someone and screen them properly. You get to make friends that way and you can  repeat the experience if you both happen to enjoy it. Why spoil a possibly great experience with a bad situation for rushing into things.

I hope my ideas help you pierce into the confusion and be able to grasp what is right for you and your beloved. If you need a more detailed answer  to any other aspect, do not hesitate for a follow up question.

Best wishes, Be well and play safe.

Oscar G

Answer
Hi Again Bill:

Not much thought needed here and i happened to be on line to reply faster.
My best advice is to take it easy. He might be your friend, buddy and comarade, but your personal relationship comes frist and her safety too. Also to take into consideration, how experienced is he into BDSM?
The fact that he brought up the play issue with you guys makes me slightly leery. But you both may already know each other well and  thatisteh  level of sharing and friendship you have. But she is not that aware of that and how deep the bond of trust is. SO the best thing to do Is her to know him, and him being very aware of the limits you mentioned. ANd for your part be SURE  his skills as a BDSM Dom are sound, and this is just not an excuse of his part to have kinky sex with friends. The fact you 2 are experimenting and exploring new exciting things is great, yet you have to nake sure you will BOTH come unscathed from the experience and ENJOY it.

Do not feel like you own this experience for you war buddy, as much as you like him and respect him in that aspect, you have the last word over that her welfare is. And the best way to find out is to check if his skills, knowledge and experience into BDSM is akin to yours. If possible it would be ideal to see him playing with a different sub to see his  style and intensity. If that is not possible, then you have to go back to asking and verifying. Perhaps later on in your relationship you both  willbe ready and there willbe no issues. If he can wait for you guys until you are ready, would show his honesty and true caring for you.

I may be harsh on your friend , but i know little about him and it isbetter to err on the side of caution. But I totally understand the mix of fear/excitement that makes a possible scene much more flavorful. And I am also a veteran myself, so I know the brothers-in-arms bonds made in the military.
So just take it slowly, verify his intention and skils, and get ready or wait depending on how you both feel after making the proper arrangements and address issues.

I hope this helps.
Best Wishes to you and your loved one.
Have fun and be safe

Oscar G.