Expert: arani_CsA - 7/4/2007

Question
I am curious about BDSM, however I am only interested in a long-term committed relationship with kids to come later on.
How likely is this, and how do people who engage in BDSM approach the issue of commitment and later on, children?
Is it something that singles are most likely to try?
Also, if someone asks me about these issues, what is likely to be their reasoning behind these questions?

Answer
Hello...

You've asked a number of questions here, and I'll try to give each one of them my full attention.

As you may already know, the BDSM lifestyle encompasses a broad spectrum ranging from couples who merely enjoy a little kinky play in the bedroom, through couples like my husband and I who have a full-blown Master/slave relationship.  Some people enjoy hard-core S/m play, and some engage in none of this kind of play and are more into a service-oriented relationship.  And some people are looking for a long-term commitment and some are not.

I do know of a number of couples who have been a part of a BDSM relationship for quite some time.  My husband and I met 7 1/2 years ago, first becoming Master and slave, and later becoming husband and wife.  It is our sincere hope that we stay together for many years to come.  Some long-term couples started out in "vanilla" marriages and later moved to a BDSM relationship.  Others, like my husbands and myself, did the reverse.

As far as children, I also know of many Dom/sub and Master/slave couples who have children.  (My husband and I do not.)  This does bring an entirely different dynamic into the relationship, and these couples must necessarily modify their home life accordingly.  For instance, it might not be appropriate for a woman to go about the house naked, and call her husband "Master" in front of small children, unless she doesn't mind if those children go to school and report such behavior to their teachers.  (As small children are wont to do.)  But she can defer to him in other ways, and put on her collar and cuffs once the chilren are in bed or the parents retire to their own bedroom for the evening.  These couples usually enjoy going to play parties and munches because they are free to fully express their roles.

You will encounter both single and married people involved in BDSM.  Some of them are married, but their partner may not share their interests.  Some may indulge in extra-curricular activities, so to speak, with or without their spouses' permission.  (Unfortunately, marital vows hold little value to these people.)  But, the frequency with which you will encounter these people is no higher in the BDSM world than at your local bar or at any other venue.

Most people who are part of the BDSM lifestyle are "in the closet."  Most others they might encounter at work or socially have the mistaken belief that we are mentally disturbed or evil, and we would lose our jobs or be ostracized from society if our true interests were found out.  While it is becoming more and more acceptable for homosexuals to find acceptance in the world, we are not as fortunate.  Perhaps one day we will be.  

There are a few brave souls who are open about their lifestyle.  Most of us simply say that what we do in our own homes and our own bedrooms is no one else's business.  But most of us would not necessarily be recognizable by the average man on the street, anyway.  My husband and I might be taken for two people who have a rather old-fashioned relationship where the man is the head of the household.  It's only in the privacy of our own home where I wear a collar, call him Master, and ask him if I may buy a new pair of shoes.

I would like to encourage you to do some further research into the lifestyle, find out more about what it is, and learn where you might fit into it.  You can find some very valuable information at:
http://www.castlerealm.com
http://leathernroses.com
http://steel-door.com/Chamber.html

I also encouage you to check around for a BDSM group that meets in your area, and become involved with them.  You can find a listing of such groups, by state, at http://www.drkdesyres.com  Bear in mind, though, that the people in these groups will most likely be suspicious of you at first, and protective of their privacy.

Good luck to you in your search.  If you have any further questions, feel free to send them my way.

arani_CsA,
devoted property of Clampius_Arelius