Expert: arani_CsA - 6/19/2006

Question
I have belonged to Master for 5 years. Most of that time in a commited M/s relationship and i have been with Him several times in that 5 years. Once for 2 weeks, 8 months and 4 weeks.
I know that it is up to Him how much time we can spend together on the phone or online or just sending me a e mail. In the last year we have almost stopped talking online at all. We still have weekly phone calls that we talk 1-3 hours. But i miss the closeness we used to have.
 Master works a lot of long hours and i know i have to be patient as He is quick to reassure me that i am still owned by Him and cared for by Him. But sometimes it feels so lonely i just want to be with Him sitting at His feet and being able to physically serve Him.

 Is it only my insecurities that lead me to think that He may of changed towards us?  If you think so what can i do to turn this around?
Thank you

Answer
Hello...

First of all, please allow me to commend you on your devotion to your Master.  Being a long-distance slave for five years is a very difficult thing to do, and there are many who find themselves lacking when asked to do it.  That said, I can feel your frustration, and I hope I can help you find a way to alleviate that.

I'd like to tell you a little about my relationship with my Master, in the hopes that it might provide some encouragement for you.  We met through an on-line message board, and He offered me His collar about five months later.  During the next two plus years, we managed to meet about every 3 to 6 months, and spent the rest of the time communicating via e-mail and the telephone, only occasionally using an instant messaging program.  

Now, after living with Master for a couple of years (and during that time becoming His wife), we are apart again.  Whereas before it was His work that kept us apart as He travelled from one job to another, now it is my work that has me doing the same thing.  For over a year now, we have returned to our long-distance lifestyle, being together when we can and having to be satisfied with e-mail and the telephone when we are not.  

The first time that Master and I were apart, one of the things that kept me going was a daily routine that He set up for me.  I had various tasks and meditations that I was to do, and then report to Him on a daily basis.  If I did not do so, I was corrected and/or punished just as surely as if we were in the same room.  In this way, I was able to take some comfort in being able to serve Him in the way He wished.

During this time, one of the tasks that Master set for me was to meditate on why I was a slave, and what it was that drew me to this lifestyle.  I learned a lot about myself, not only why I was a slave in general, but why I was drawn to serve this Man in particular.  This is not a process that was resolved overnight, but one that I am still going through.  Master likens it to peeling the layers off an onion, one by one, until the inner flower is revealed.  (Currently, I am spending a lot of time studying the spiritual aspect of slavery.)

Here's something else that helped me.  I am a Gorean, and one thing that Goreans talk about is that slaves are to serve all -- not just their own Masters.  On the surface, in a chat room, that is easy to do.  But to surrender yourself totally to the world at large is much harder to do, and something that I am still working on.  This is not strictly a Gorean concept; I've read the works of other slaves who have come to view themselves in this light.

Basically, I have surrendered myself to the larger concept of slavery.  Only after I did that was I able to surrender myself to my Master.  I most certainly do NOT see slavery as a religion, but to put it in the form of an analogy, slavery is the philosophy I live by and my Master is its priest.  The rituals that He sets for me are akin to the rituals that I follow when I go to church, that bring me closer to God.  

Looking at things in this way has helped me to see that everything I do in life is a service in some way.  I serve when I obey the traffic laws, when I smile at the cashier at Wal-Mart, or when I do my job cheerfully.  I can give orders to those under me at work, and still think of myself as serving them by being a leader instead of a boss.  I can please my Master by making myself the best at my career that I can, or by improving my mind by reading or my body by losing weight.

As to why your Master is giving you less of His time, I'm not sure I can answer that.  Is He married, or does He have other slaves?  Is His job a demanding one?  Is His health good?  Are His finances such that He can contact you as often as He did before?  All these and other questions need to be answered.

Yes, it is said that the Master's needs are first and foremost.  And this is most certainly true.  But a slave whose needs continually go unmet is a slave who eventually loses her surrender.  She may have to sublimate those needs into other areas, but she should have some outlet for those needs.  

You need to ask yourself why you are a slave.  Is it because you love this Man so much that you would do anything He asked, anything it took to make Him happy?  Or is it because when You serve Him you come close to having an orgasm?  Or is it because you think you would be a poor slave to leave an unsatisfying relationship?

I begged release from my first Master, when I finally came to the conclusion that the relationship was not only non-productive, but actually harmful for both of us.  I had to finally step up and be the grown-up.  I took a lot of criticism for that, but I knew that I was doing what I had to do.  And I learned a lot from that experience.

Speak to your Master, or write Him a long e-mail.  Confess to Him that you are unhappy, and ask Him to help you find the peace of serving Him once more.  This might be through giving you a routine of tasks to follow when He's not there.  It might be through helping you to understand what he expects of you.  And it might be that He will not offer any assistance at all.

What it all boils down to is this.  If you're not happy, either change things or get out.  This applies to anything in life.  Don't just sit and wait for things to change.  Be the agent of that change, even if it means finding a way to be of service to your Master without His having to lay it out for you.  

I would also recommend that you find yourself a community of friends, fellow slaves that you can discuss things with, who can share with you their own feelings and experiences.  And never stop learning about yourself and this lifestyle that you have chosen to embrace.

Good luck to you.

arani