Expert: Mistress Violette - 10/19/2007

Question
Hello:

I am really hoping that you can offer some advice to me since this is a topic that I cannot discuss with anyone.

I have been in a loving relationship for over 11 years. We are engaged and were planning to marry next year. I have known for about 7 or 8 years that my fiance is interested in BDSM. When I say interested, I really mean "needs it" according to him. A few years ago he expressed to me that he would like to have me try a few things. I was open and did: hot wax, light bondage with nice knots, a bit of slapping, but nothing that I was uncomfortable with. I had fun and thought that he did too. As time has progressed, his idea of BDSM has changed, or he was not entirely honest with me at the beginning.

He recently expressed interest in visiting a DOM and so we did. I wanted to be involved, even if I wasn't the one providing the discipline. We went together to meet her and he has done chores for her in exchange for harsher BDSM that I am not comfortable providing. I have to admit that the bruises that he came home with scared me and really turned me off to the idea of BDSM altogether. It has been an ongoing issue with us because I cannot provide to him what he needs. The more he pushes the extreme stuff, the more I feel myself backing away. I rarely tie him up anymore because I feel that when I do, it is not what he wants. He also told me recently that not only does he enjoy being submissive, that he wants to be a DOM to another girl. Is it unhealthy to involve a DOM, that is not a partner? I don't understand the relationship that is created between the SUB and DOM. Can a relationship survive when one partner cannot provide the BDSM that the other needs?

I stumbled across some of his videos that he has on our computer and was extremely shocked at the level that he wants to take it to (the pain and choking). I asked him if the extremity of those videos was what he wanted and he said yes. Some really scared me and I expressed this to him. He told me that this is something that he needs in his life. The thought of him treating girls like in the videos makes me feel like I don't know him at all. It doesn't excite me.

I love him so much, but I feel this tearing us apart. It feels like an obsession and it stares me down when I am with him. He is wonderful to me and I can't see my life without him, but I don't want him to be unhappy for the remainder of our lives together. We discussed it tonight and the end of our conversation was uncertain. I am willing to do what I can, but I can't go to the level that he needs me to. It hurts to know that I cannot satisfy his needs and before/if we get married, I need some answers. There are a couple of local girls willing to dominate him, however now that he wants to be a DOM to other girls, it feels like it is taking over our lives.

Please help give me some clarity. I am not sure at this point what to do. I don't want to end the relationship but I can't imagine the constant struggle with this. He told me tonight that he loves me so much and can't imagine his life without me. He said "please don't leave me". Of course I am sobbing thinking about that.

Help, please
Thank you.


Answer
Hello,

This is definitely a dilemma and I'm not going to sugarcoat my answer. You have some hard choices ahead of you. I'm going to outline some possibilities because you need a strong basis in facts before deciding what to do.

If you haven't enjoyed the BDSM play you've done so far, that is, if you didn't feel emotional and physical excitement and satisfaction in what you did, you're what's known as "vanilla," that is, not BDSM. If so, it stands to reason that you don't understand your fiancé's interest and aren't comfortable with it. The first thing I'm going to recommend is that you learn a little more about BDSM. I doubt you'll develop an interest in it yourself but I think it would be help for you to know what it, and your fiancé, are all about. There are links at the end of this message to get you started.

Something you should know now is that BDSM comes in all forms. It can be done by people who are only play partners - people who negotiate a scene, meet to do it, and then go their separate ways. It can be done as part of a loving, committed relationship. And it can be anywhere on the continuum in between. Although there are broad categories of style for BDSM, most people develop something that's very personal, with aspects that are unique to them.

The relationship between dom and sub can be anything from friends and casual play partners to happy marriage. Some people have little or no emotional involvement to their partners, while others love each other very much. It's quite possible to involve a dom (or sub) who isn't a primary partner, as long as everybody is aware of the expectations and limits and agrees to the situation. What's important to understand is that BDSM can be very intense, so much so that the intensity can sometimes be mistaken for intimacy. Your fiancé would have to always be aware, and make sure his partners were aware, that he was offering play only, not romantic attachment.

Now, about "need." Although your fiancé wants BDSM very much, it's not a condition for survival, he could get along without it. Many BDSM people wind up in vanilla marriages and have to decide between the relationship and the BDSM. Many choose the BDSM but some successfully choose the relationship. What that means is the BDSM person chooses not to pursue the interest. The interest doesn't go away, nor does the longing. It can be done but I think, for your fiancé, it would be a hard row to hoe. I mention it only because it seems as if he's asking you to give up some comfort without considering that he could do so, as well.

I give your fiancé credit for being honest with you about his interests and you deserve credit for being open to learning more. It's good that he's not trying to deny his interests because that usually doesn't work. On the other hand, he doesn't seem to be looking for a compromise, either. BDSM is sex; it's a desire, not an entitlement. Like most relationship issues, it needs to worked out between the two of you, with give and take on both sides. Can you come to some sort of compromise together? Perhaps his needs could be met by seeing a pro dom. She could probably deliver the level he wants without marking him, which would be a concession to your feelings. She might also be willing to sub to him or be able to provide someone who would. A business arrangement might feel safer to you in terms of emotional involvement.

I don't think it's wise for you to do things that don't excite you just because they excite him. What you can do is some mutual exploration to see if there's something that works for both of you. One caveat in that area, the commercial media he has downloaded is usually based on men's fantasies, not the actual practice of BDSM. It's no wonder it doesn't appeal to you. Try some of the resources I've listed, so you're sure you both know what real world BDSM is like. Then see what you might incorporate into the relationship that works for you both.

I hope the two of you can come to some sort of accommodation that's mutually satisfying. It seems like you really care for each other, so I hope it works out for you. If I can help further, please feel free to ask another question.

Mistress Violette

Site resources:

http://sexuality.org/ (seach for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/

Recommended books:

Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns: The Romance and Sexual Sorcery of Sadomasochism  by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission by William Brame and Gloria Brame
SM 101: A Realistic Introduction  by Jay Wiseman
Ties That Bind: The SM/Leather/Fetish Erotic Style: Issues, Commentaries and Advice by Guy Baldwin and Joseph W. Bean
SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude--Principles, Skills and Tools  by Guy Baldwin