Expert: Mistress Violette - 12/13/2007

Question
HI, MY NAME IS SINCLAIR AND BARE WITH ME BECAUSE I HAVE TO START FROM THE BEGINNING SO U CAN UNDERSTAND MY SITUATION NOW:

I WAS IN A 5 YEAR RELATIONSHIP UP UNTIL A YR AGO, AND THE ROLES OF TOP AND BOTTOM WOULD SWITCH FROM SCENE TO SCENE. I ALWAYS LIKED THAT WE WERE A LITTLE "KINKY" BUT WE NEVER VENTURED OUTSIDE OF OUR HOUSE OR A HOTEL TO SPICE THINGS UP(LOL)... AFTER THE BREAKUP MY CRAVINGS INTENSIFIED AND MY DESIRES BECAME MORE ADVANCED.

6 MONTHS AGO I MET A MAN  ON A DATING SITE AND FROM THE MINUTE WE STARTED SPEAKING , I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING DIFFERANT, AND I WANTED TO KNOW MORE. OUR EMAILS WOULD BE DESCRIPTIVE TO SAY THE LEAST OF WHAT WE BOTH ENJOYED SEXUALLY, AND BY THE TIME I MET HIM, I WAS HYPNOTIZED!

THE FIRST NIGHT WE WERE TOGETHER , THE WAY HE LOOKED AT ME AND THE WAY HE WOULD SPEAK WAS SOFT BUT STERN. HIS HANDS WERE THE SAME AND WITHIN SECONDS, HE HAD MY MIND AND BODY EXPERIENCING FEELINGS I'VE NEVER FELT B4.

WE ARE NOT AN OFFICIAL "COUPLE" SO TO SPEAK, AND AS MUCH AS I SUBMIT TO HIM WHEN WERE TOGETHER, IT'S THE TIMES I'M NOT WITH HIM THAT I'M, TO SAY THE LEAST..VERY VERBAL...ESCECIALLY IF I FEEL HE'S TAKING TO LONG TO SEE ME, AND IT PUSHED HIM AWAY. THE PROBLEM WAS THAT BECAUSE I HAD ACCESS TO HIS DATING PROFILE, I WOULD START DIGGING TO SEE IF I COULD FIGURE OUT WHO HE WAS SPENDING TIME WITH, AND  IT GOT TO THE POINT WHERE IT WAS CONSUMING MY THOUGHTS AND DESTROYING THE DYNAMIC BETWEEN US. I HAVENT BEEN ON HIS PROFILE IN A MONTH NOW AND IT GAVE ME A CHANCE TO FOCUS ON WHATS REALLY IMPORTANT AND THATS THE DESIRE TO BE A TRUE SUB AND SERVE MY MASTER.

IT'S 6 MONTHS IN OUR RELATIONSHIP AND  I WANT TO DO THINGS WITH HIM, I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD LET GO BEYOND MY OWN PERSONAL FANTASIES, BUT BECAUSE THIS HAS BEEN HIS LIFESTYLE FOR QUITE SOME TIME AND I'M NEW TO THIS LEVEL OF ROLE PLAY, EVERYTHING I DO WITH HIM PRETTY MUCH IS A FIRST.  I WANT TO RELINQUISH CONTROL AND SERVE HIM BUT THE "TRADIONAL" BELIEFS I STILL POSSESS COME OUT AND IF I FEEL I'M BEING IGNORED OR DISREGARDED, I CANT CONTROL SPEAKING MY MIND AND IT GOT TO THE POINT WHERE OUR RELATIONSHIP BECAME ALMOST NONEXISTANT UNTIL LAST NIGHT.   I'M GONNA ATTACH A COPY OF OUR LAST EMAIL TO EACH OTHER CAUSE THATS WHERE I NEED THE HELP.


I GUESS MY QUESTION IS... IS IT A MASTERS RESPONSIBILITY NOT TO JUST DOMINATE THE SUB, BUT ALSO TO TRAIN HER AND  SOOTH HER FEARS AND INSECURITIES, ESCPECIALLY IF THE SUB IS PRETTY MUCH AN INFANT TO THIS LIFESTYLE????

ANY ADVISE IS APPRECIATED BECAUSE I REALLY DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT HIM AND MYSELF ANYMORE SO HERE'S THE EMAIL FOR YOUR INTERPRETATION:


ME:::::: I DONT THINK I HAVE THE BALLS TO TELL U THIS WHILE UR
LOOKING AT ME SO B4 I SEE U I HAD 2 WRITE THIS...

I LEARNED SOMETHING VERY VALUABLE BECAUSE OF U......
WHEN I FIRST MET U , I HAD THIS IDEA THAT I COULD "PLAY" THE SUB GIRL WHEN WE WOULD FUCK BUT OUTSIDE OF THOSE MOMENTS, I WOULD STILL BE ABLE TO RUN MY MOUTH AND SAY "WHATEVER" CAME TO MY MIND AT THE MOMENT. RECENTLY I BLAMED U FOR BEIN A BASTARD TO ME , WHEN IN HIND SIGHT, U HAD "EVERY REASON" TO DISREGARD ME THE WAY YOU DID. HOW CAN I BLAME U FOR GIVIN UP ON ME AFTER ALL THE WARNINGS YOU GAVE ME ABOUT MY MOUTH.
I ALMOST GAVE UP BELIEVING THAT U WOULD EVER SEE ME AGAIN, AND HONESTLY, A PART OF ME IS SO ASHAMED FOR THE WAY I BEHAVED, I DONT KNOW HOW IM GONNA EVEN BE ABLE TO LOOK IN UR EYES WHEN U DO COME FOR ME. THE ONE THING I AM SURE OF IS THIS... NOT BEING ON UR PAGE ANYMORE HAS GIVIN ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO FOCUS ON WHAT I REALLY WANT, AND THAT IS TO SERVE YOU LIKE A TRUE SUB WOULD SERVE HER MASTER. THE REALITY THAT U AGREED TO EVEN SEE ME AGAIN HAS MADE MY DESIRE TO DROP DOWN TO MY KNEES IN FRONT OF YOU AND TAKE WHATEVER PUNISHMENT U FEEL I DESERVE, THAT MUCH STRONGER ... THAT IS THE ONLY WAY I'LL FEEL LIKE I MADE UP FOR ALL THE GRIEF I PUT YOU THROUGH. I DONT CARE IF WE'RE IN THE CLUB, ON THE STREET OR IN MY HOUSE ... I TRUSTED MYSELF IN YOUR HANDS FROM DAY ONE AND YOU HAVE GIVEN ME NO REASON NOT TO TRUST MYSELF IN YOUR HANDS NOW SO..."I WILL" ACCEPT WHATEVER PUNISHMENT U DEEM APPROPRIATE FOR WHATEVER LENGTH OF TIME IT MAY LAST UNTIL YOU FEEL LIKE I TRULY LEARNED MY LESSON!!!


HIM:::::::: mmmm my little girl is growing up. I believe u have had what alcoholics call "a moment of clarity" or "enlightenment". PUNISHMENT is still to come.

your doing a good job finding places however how r u doing finding a third? lets get on this!  

Answer
Hello, Sinclair,

The short answer to your question is yes. A dominant has a responsibility to see to the submissive's physical and emotional health and safety as well provide control. I'm not found of the notion of training, because some submissives misunderstand and think they have no responsibility for their own education. The dominant is responsible for part of your education in BDSM and for teaching you his own personal wants and expectations.

I'm going to guess your dominant has been trying to do these things but couldn't be completely successful because of the beliefs you mentioned. That's no one's fault, just something that happened. You've come to a different understanding of what submission is for you now, so you may see things you missed or didn't quite comprehend before.

Until recently, it seems you were playing the role of a submissive, while your dominant wanted a power exchange relationship. You're ready to explore the power exchange more fully and it looks like he appreciates your sincerity. This time, before the two of you go forward with the relationship, it would be good if you would have a serious discussion about how each of you views the relationship and your expectations of each other. It's not so much about what a dominant "should do" as much as it is about him what it takes to protect you, based on your own personality and needs. Some submissives need more soothing of fears and insecurities than others and not all are soothed in the same way. You're going to have to communicate with your dominant so he knows what works for you. He doesn't want an unhappy or insecure sub any more than you want to be one.

I mentioned that a submissive's education isn't totally up to the dominant. That's because there's a lot to BDSM and the same combination of ideas doesn't work for everyone. It's better if you search out information for yourself, consider different views, and put together a philosophy of BDSM that works for you. You'll wind up having views that are similar to those of lots of other people but they'll be yours because they fit you, not because someone else taught them to you. I'm going to give you a list of sites where you can explore a bit and even get into some ideas in depth. I think your dominant will be pleased that you're looking into things, so share with him what you're doing. And, of course, you're welcome to share this message with him, too.

You know, the way you were going about this before wasn't totally wrong. Until the relationship has been negotiated to the satisfaction of both partners, a submissive needs to speak up for herself. It's important that she give her dominant the information she needs. It's also important that she get information back from him, so she can assess his ability and see if he feels compatible. It's also important that you both listen. Now that your idea of what you want has changed, you'll probably both hear each other better, because now you're speaking the same language!

Mistress Violette

Links:

http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/dictionary/Power_exchange/
http://www.xeromag.com/fvbdsm.html
http://sexuality.org/ (search for BDSM and related terms)
http://gloriabrame.com/
http://www.domsubfriends.com/1home.shtml
http://www.leathernroses.com/lnrhome.htm
http://www.leatherviews.com/